I was mad at myself, and I was starting to wish I didn't let curiosity get the best of me and I hated to admit it but, I wished I never found that box. I wished he would’ve told me all by himself.
I lay in bed awake staring at the ceiling waiting for him to come home, and when he finally did I shut my eyes and pretended I was asleep. When he kissed my lips in the dead of night and whispered,Reste s'il te plaît. Please stay. I knew that it was true what he'd said, we were one, and I knew that I'd never be able to escape him, he was etched into my bones, his very essence ran through my blood and I only wished that he could understand that nothing would ever change the way I felt about him.
And then I watched him sleep that night, and as I did I wondered how Jace probably did before me and I wondered if he saw all the things I saw when I looked at him. Did he notice the rise and fall of his every breath? did he notice the way his hair was lighter at the tips and fell over his eyelids? Did he know him like I did- inside and out like the back of my very own hand? What hurt the most was that hedid, and I knew that deep down I could never compare and that I never would.
The next morning I decided that I was going to lose my mind if I didn't talk to someone about this soon, but I didn't want it to be any of the friends we shared because regardless of whether it was true or not it would inevitably do more harm than good. So I decided to get out early in an attempt to avoid any unwanted questions from River and head over to the other side of town to visit the one person who kneweverythingabout everyone and most importantly knew how to keep her mouth shut, the marvel, the mystery- Victoria King.
I held my coat close to my body as I knocked on her front door furiously, I knew her parents were rarely home. When she answered the door she looked half awake, her long dark hair loose and cascading down her shoulders and her cheeks tinted with sleep.
"It's seven in the morning." She groaned and clearly, she was not a morning person,
"I need to talk to you." I insisted but her expression remained the same,
"It'ssevenin the morning." She repeated and I rolled my eyes,
"It's important!" I pleaded one last time before she agreed and let me in.
We were sitting on the floor by her fireplace with coffee in hand spiked with her father's most expensive bottle of a 1985 bourbon. I remained silent for a while because I had absolutely no idea how to even start this conversation, it wasn’t like I could just jump out and sayhey I think my boyfriend was in love with his dead best friend. Victoria intently read my expression before hers shifted to an all-knowing glare.
"You finally figured it out didn't you?" She asked with a sly grin, her full lips disappearing into the heat of her coffee mug,
"I- I- what?" I stammered not knowing what she was talking about,
"This is no time to play coy with me little bird. I was wondering just how long it would take you to finally wake up from this perfect little dream and open your eyes." Victoria sighed, "So how did you find out about them?"
Victoria scared me sometimes with how good she was at reading people, most especially at readingme. It was like she had a bachelor's degree in psychology or something.
"I found these, theseveryintimate paintings and suddenly all these little pieces of information I'd gotten over time started to fit together," I explained, and she gave me a sad smile. Victoria had told me that she knew Jace very well and that they were close so that was the only reason that I asked, "so it's true then, isn't it?"
"Jace neveroutrightsaid it to me, but I knew when I threw myself at him and he rejected me that there had to be stronger forces at work.” She joked, and then her expression turned serious. “I wish you came sooner and saw the way they were with each other, Armani, it was unlike anything I'd ever seen in film or theatre, it was like poetry come to life. I swear I'd never seen two people who were as cut from the same cloth as they were, it was like they spoke a language only they could understand and at first, I too wasn't sure- until I saw them once."
“Saw them?” I wondered.
She paused, her eyes turned to the fireplace and it was like melting honey in her eyes as she reminisced, "It was after midnight at the academy, I was hoping to finish a piece of mine. The door to the art room was slightly open but I only caught a glimpse of hands tangled in hair, careful embraces and skin on skin."
"And you knew all this time and you didn't say anything to me?" I asked slightly irritated,
"You haven't the right to be angry with me, it was not my secret to tell." Victoria declared and she was right, it wasn't.
"I don't know what to do," I confessed, "does this mean he doesn't really want me? I don't want to be his distraction."
"Armani, have you ever dared to consider the fact that maybe what he had with Jace and what he has with you are two completely different experiences?" Victoria foretold, "what if he has space in his heart for both?"
"What if he does not?" I retorted,
"Oh, but what if hedoes?" Victoria insisted and I paused for a second to think about it, perhaps she was right.
"So what exactly is he then, sexuality is a spectrum and I need to know where he falls under it." I contemplated,
"Armani babe, you're asking all the right questions to the wrong person. I am not River, you should be having this discussion with him." She said placing her hand on mine,
"You're right I'll just ask him-" I suggested attempting to get up but she pulled me right back down,
"Are you out of your bloody mind?" She laughed, "you can't just go up to him and out him like that, you can't just straight up ask him if he's gay or not you have to go easy on him. Do you know how to do that?" She asked and I paused,do I?
"I- I think I do," I said and she kissed me on the cheek,
"Be patient with him, little bird, don't let him fly away." She sighed just as I noticed someone wandering out of her kitchen wearing a pink floral nightgown, holding a bowl of ice cream and wearing fluffy slippers, my jaw dropped.
