She shouted, “That’s it!” She’d ask Devin. Devin would tell her if her worries were founded or unfounded, and most importantly, she wouldn’t think Nicole was crazy for asking her to look at her boobs.
Nicole sent a quick text to Devin:
NIC: Can I come over tonight, after the twins are down? I need your help with something. It won’t take long.
DEV: Of course! Does eight work?
NIC: Perfect, see you then!
Nicole flopped back in her chair, relieved and nervous.
Promptly at eight o'clock, Nicole texted Devin from Devin’s driveway. She knew better than to knock or ring the doorbell. If she caused the twins to wake up, Devin would kill her. Once she received the all clear from Devin, she walked up to the expansive two-story brick home Devin called her McMansion. The porch was cheerfully decorated with a bale of hay, pumpkins, and a smiling scarecrow.
Nicole quietly let herself in and walked into the kitchen where Devin was sitting in her pjs and wearing fuzzy slippers. She had a bottle of red wine open, and two glasses set out. Devin gestured for Nicole to sit down at the marble-topped island, and then she poured each of them a glass of wine. They both clinked their glasses and took a drink.
Devin spoke first, “So, what’s going on?”
“You might think I’m crazy, but here goes. I’m here because you are a most trusted friend and probably the only person in the world I feel comfortable sharing this with.” She could feel her face turning flaming red, so she placed a palm on each cheek trying to cool them down.
Devin nodded. “Whatever it is, it warms my heart to know you feel like you can tell me anything. I know sometimes people are intimidated by me, and I’d hate for that to be the case with us.”
Nicole reached over and gripped her friend’s hand. “Okay, I’m ready,” she said.
Devin took her other hand and gave it a squeeze. “What’s going on, hon?”
Nicole pulled back her hands and held them in her lap. She began speaking about those last days with Duncan, and how much was taken away from her, and how much it had hurt to lose the easy confidence she’d always had in her body.
She took a proffered tissue from Devin and wiped her eyes, “It’s not like I ever thought I had an amazing body or anything, but I’d always had faith that it was healthy and that if it wasn’t healthy that I’d know something was wrong. But I didn’t, I had no clue. My boobs were trying to kill me, and I was planning a wedding.”
Devin kept steady eye contact with Nicole as she spoke. “I don’t expect you or anyone else to understand what I went through, and how devastating it was and it is for me. I am broken,” she said shakily, feeling numbness setting in as she spoke.
Tears were flowing down Devin's face. She got up and poured a couple of glasses of water and set them down. She took a long drink and then she spoke. “I’m so sorry that you feel less-than. I won’t say broken because I don’t believe that for a second.”
“Thank you,” Nicole said through her tears. “I’m telling you all this not to be sad for me, but I actually wanted to see if you’d look at my boobs.”
Devin burst out with a laugh and then covered her mouth and looked at Nicole wide-eyed. “Ah, why?”
Nicole’s eyes were bright now with mischief instead of tears. “I know,” she nodded. “It sounds ridiculous, but hear me out.” She held up a finger. “One, if you see me topless, then Sean isn’t the first and only person to see me without a shirt on in over five years—excluding all the random medical professionals who have of course. Basically, I need this for my ego,” she joked. “Two, I know you’ll give me your honest, unvarnished opinion and that way, I won’t have any bad surprises when Sean sees me.”
Devin replied, “I can be honest, but I’m not unbiased. I think you are beautiful from head to toe. Seeing you topless won’t change that, wouldn’t change that even if you’d made the decision to have both of them removed. I know it’s a trite old phrase, you are beautiful inside and out—so I’ll say instead that your boobs don’t define you, and besides whenever I’ve seen you with him, that man is looking at your butt.”
Nicole walked around the table and hugged Devin. Her heart felt full with the words Devin had just spoken, but she still needed visual confirmation that she wasn’t hideous.
“Before we do this thing, I just want to point out how proud I am of you for taking a chance on another man. I know the last few years have been just awful and I’m in awe of how you kept pushing through the disappointments and all the pain. Especially when you made the decision to lose your ovaries. It just stinks you had to make that decision before you’d had a chance to have kids.”
Nicole let out a big sigh and slumped in her chair. Not being able to have kids was heartbreaking, even more so because it was something else cancer had taken away from her. She hadn’tspent a lot of time, as a kid or an adult, dreaming of the day she’d become a mother, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t something she wanted for herself. Her voice was low with emotion, “Thank you, Devin. Some days have been so hard.” She took a few moments to gather herself, and then she rallied, determined to continue her mission.
“Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way,” Nicole said as Devin blew her a kiss. “Are you ready to check out my boobs?”
“Honey, I’ve been ready,” Devin joked in a sultry tone.
“Behave.” Nicole playfully swatted Devin’s arm.
Devin got up. “Let’s go back to the guest room so we aren’t standing in front of a window. We sure don’t want Old Man Stevens getting an eyeful."
“Old Man Stevens?”
Devin waved her hand. “Doesn’t exist, I just made it up.”
