Talking about it is so much harder than I thought it would be. My chest feels tight and my eyes well with tears. One even slips past the barricade and descends my cheek leaving a streak of warmth in its wake.
“I don’t want to feel this way. Sometimes it’s so overwhelming. Like the night I drove to the bridge. I just felt…unwanted.” There. I said it. “I felt like it would be easier on myself if I wasn’t here anymore. It felt like an easy way to erase the horrible image I’d earned and just be a faded memory, you know?”
One hand on the back of my neck, Jason draws our foreheads together so we share a breath. The heat of him splits the cold between us.
“I’m sorry, I wasn’t looking for sympathy. I just thought you’d want an explanation. And, in case you’re wondering, I haven’t thought about following through again since being here.” His shoulders drop the slightest amount, just enough to notice.
“Thanks for not judging,” I tell him. I don’t see judgment in his eyes, I don’t see any pity either. I only see affection. I like to think his gestures mean he’s glad I’m here.
After leaning my body against Jason’s for a while, sharing as much bodyheat as possible, and freezing my nose off, the sound of the snow shifting ahead of us alerts us to the presence of the buck in the distance. He has two points on either of his antlers. He’s so much smaller than the elk Jason killed on Thanksgiving. But equally as majestic. Which makes it harder to know his life is about to end. I understand the logic behind this. We need to eat. But I still marvel at the buck’s beauty and appreciate the sacrifice of his life for our continued existence.
Maybe I’m growing numb to this life, but I don’t even flinch when Jason pulls the trigger and the buck drops to the ground. I don’t even blink. All of this is starting to feel like a natural part of my life.
And I like that.
Except when I have to help carry pieces of deer back to the cabin. That will never be part of my picture-perfect vision.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Jason-Present
Temporary Tears-NEEDTOBREATHE
The look on Mara’s face when I held one quarter of the deer towards her was priceless. I gave her the smaller of the pieces and I went back for the other half on my own while she and Dylan started processing the meat. Once it was headless and skinless, she seemed to do better with butchering the meat for storage.
When I come back inside from disposing of the feet and processing the skull and antlers for a future sell, I’m met with Mara’s baffled tone.
“You’re telling me this is an illegal deer?” Her pitch rises with her surprise. I shake my head to myself.
“Technically, yes,” Dylan answers while stuffing more meat into the grinder for sausage.
“Technically—“ Mara’s words are cut off by the sound of the meat grinder whirring through the air, mechanical andloud.
“Dylan just told me it’s not deer season anymore,” Mara turns her blazing stare toward me with a knife pointed in my direction. I hold my hands up in mock surrender. “This deer isillegal.”
“Well, we hunted during the proper time frame but only enough for two people through the winter,” Dylan reminds her of the peculiar circumstances. “Besides. How would anyone know? No one comes up here even in the summer, unless we bring them ourselves.”
Great, a reminder of the girls I’ve brought here. That’s the last thing Mara needs.
“Do you bring prospective romantic partners to the cabin?” Mara asks teasingly.
“Um, no,” Dylan states finitely. “Usually find a hotel room to meet people at in town.”
“I’ve never had sex in a hotel room,” she confesses. It’s all I can do to stifle the subtle laugh that leaves me at that particular confession. Didn’t realize that was on her bucket list. Come to think of it, neither have I. Maybe we can cross it off together when the snow melts. There’s a lot of sex-related things I’d like to cross off my bucket list with her.
After we finish with the deer Dylan heads out to the barn to tend to the animals. He was working in the shop this morning but the goats seem to like him best, seeing as they don’t try to eat his clothes when he walks into their pen, so he was nominated to milk them tonight.
As for Mara and I, I find her in our bedroom stripping out of the clothes she was wearing beneath the snow gear. They’re probably laced with sweat after the tiresome workout of hiking in the snow and transporting deer chunks back to the cabin.
A band I’ve never heard before plays on the speaker. She must have borrowed a CD from Dylan. She’s down to her underwear and the long sleeve thermal I leant her when I step into the room and shut the door. Her head lifts to look at me at the sound and a smile graces her lips. It’s so beautiful, genuine, innocent. After I became sexually active and word spread about the size of my “eel” women always smiled with purpose toward me. Their smiles held requests, selfish intentions. I didn’t mind it then because I thought I was the lucky one getting laid on a regular basis and not having to woo a woman into bed. It was easy.
I didn’t realize how shallow those smiles were until Mara came barreling back into my life. When she smiles at me, there’s nothing selfish about it. She’s truly happy to see me. I’m sure she wants sex, too, but that’s just a perk, not the root of it.
I take my time crossing the space between us in slow strides until comingto stand directly in front of her. She waits motionless for me to take the lead, to make the next move. I gingerly run my hands from her hips over the curve of her waist, along her rib cage, taking the shirt she’s wearing as I go. My fingers scale over the outer shell of her breasts, eliciting bolts of lightning through me when I feel she’s bare underneath. I brush my thumbs over her hardened nipples before wrapping my fingers around the hem of the shirt and gently bring it up over her arms and head.
Next is her underwear, I scale down her body kissing as I go. Once I reach her hip bone, I take the side of her panties in my teeth and use them to tug the pesky garment down her body, inch by inch, massaging her ass and the backs of her thighs in the process. Her skin is pure silk, warm and salty. She’s perfect.
As soon as she steps out of her panties, I run the pad of my tongue through her slit one time as I rise to stand over her once again, appreciating her naked glory.
