Jason returns downstairs and washes his hands in the kitchen sink. I ask timidly, “Is it gone?” He replies with a slow nod.
I have no idea if Jason is superstitious or not. He doesn’t seem that shaken by the idea of a bird killing itself on our balcony. Maybe it’s a common occurrence around here.
“So what’s on the agenda today?” I ask after starting the pancakes for breakfast.
Jason walks over to the back door where his shot gun is propped against the doorframe then holds it toward me.
“You’re going for a hunt?” I ask.
He shakes his head and maneuvers his pointer finger between our two bodies.
“Weare going hunting?” He nods yes. “But I don’t want to shoot an animal.”
“You just want to eat them,” Dylan remarks. My returning scowl is answer enough. “We’ve been over this.”
“Yes, and I’m comfortable with the knowledge my food has to get on my plate somehow, but not actually watching it.” Both boys roll their eyes at my continued pretend ignorance toward where all our meat comes from. “Can’t I just play with baby chicks all day?“
Jason shakes his head and I can’t tell if he’s trying to tell me I can’t play with the animals all day, or if he’s just exasperated with my antics.
My argument dies after breakfast when he brings the snow gear to me at the kitchen table in a clear request for me to join him. I agree and start to bundle up. I refuse to watch if we do find a deer or elk, but I want to spend more time with Jason. I hope I don’t come off as clingy but I want to enjoy as much time with him as I can. Not just because our time is running out, but because being with him is the most content I ever feel.
Snow crunches under our boots as we walk side by side. The layers of frozen to fresh to frozen snow beneath my steps make each one less coordinated than the last. It’s a good thing I’m not trying to appear infallible to Jason like I used to, because this would be a miserable failure. I used to hone my image like a delicate craft. There’s freedom in not caring what others think, but I’m still chasing it.
We’ve only been walking for ten minutes but the ache in my chest from shortness of breath makes it feel like we’re running a marathon. I didn’t realize until this winter how immobilizing snow gear can be. Bulky material banded around every limb with limited range of motion.
“Will we be going far from the cabin?” I’ve learned to frame my questions in yes or no formats to make communication easier between us.
Dylan told me they have a hunting cabin for the fall but they can’t get to it in the snow. Apparently, that’s where Jason was coming back from the night he found my car in the snow bank. I doubt we are going all that way. But if I know Jason, he has a plan, and probably somewhere close by he can hunker down and wait for a deer to approach.
He shakes his head to tell me we aren’t too far away from wherever he likes to hunt.
Jason only packed one gun—thank goodness—because I don’t think I’d be able to carry a gun in this condition. Too cumbersome.
Not long after leaving the lodge, we come to a collection of ferns poking out of the snow beneath twin pillar pine trees rising toward the clouded sky. Even though winter is getting close to giving way to spring, today is particularly cold.
We sit in silence for sometime which feels comforting at first. But silence always leaves too much room for wild thoughts to creep inside my head. Idon’t know if Jason ever experiences that in his own silent life.
“What do you think about all day?” I ask before I can stop myself. I know talking will scare away potential targets but I can’t help myself sometimes.
Jason looks at me a shrugs.
“Sometimes, I feel like I can’t control my thoughts.” I continue even though it probably sounds like babbling to him. “Silence feels like a wide open gate letting every bad memory come back to me. I relive the cringiest moments of my life. It’d be nice if the good memories made an appearance every once in a while.”
I chuckle nervously to myself when a specific cringe-worthy moment comes to mind. Jason’s eyes land back on me as his head slowly swivels in my direction.
“This one time, the entire class passed around yearbooks in my eighth grade English lit class. We had to sign everyone’s book. There was a kid I didn’t know very well, we never shared any work groups. I had no clue what to say and instead of just using the basics like ‘have a great summer,’ I wrote ‘you look nice.’” I scrunch my face remembering the humiliation of the following moment. “He thought that was me coming on to him so he found me after school and leaned against my locker while asking me if I wanted to hang out at the park. He swooped in and kissed me so fast I didn’t see it coming. Anddd that was the story of my first kiss. It was with Ryan Parrish and I didn’t even want it.”
An invisible string pulls the corner of Jason’s mouth up in a half smirk, clearly enjoying my embarrassment.
My story reminds me of what Jason shared with me the other night. About how I was his first kiss. The way my heart flutters thinking about it, thinking about how he trusted me enough, or maybe was just attracted to me enough, that he wanted his first kiss to be me…twice. I don’t know what he saw in me in high school but I know what I saw in him. I saw someone who didn’t conform to the expectations of society. I saw a guy who was completely content with the person he chose to be. And I envied that.
He was so vulnerable with me the other day. I want to reciprocate. Being that open with him doesn’t come as easily as I’d like. But not because ofanything he’s done. My own inhibitions stifle any progress I want to make on that front.
But I put on my big girl pants, take in a lung full of crisp air, and try.
“I don’t know why I feel the way I do,” I confess. “Somedays I feel fine, I’m happy and content, the next, I don’t even want to get out of bed. I know mental health awareness is big now but usually people are depressed for a reason. Loneliness, PTSD, breakups, a series of unfortunate events. What do I have to be depressed about? Plenty of people don’t do well in college, look at Ally Herm. But she came back and found her calling, I guess. So what, my parents didn’t love me enough? That’s a little too on the nose. And I shouldn’t be bothered that a guy I didn’t even love cheated on me. I’m glad to be rid of him. None of that is good enough a reason to feel this way.”
I didn’t realize I was staring at the snow until I saw Jason’s leg shift against the tree trunk which draws my attention back to him. His stormy eyes are fixed on me as though he’s hanging on to every word I say.
