I don’t want to think that would be our future, but he’s left so much room for doubt in my mind. I don’t expect grand gestures, but something that tells me this is more than a temporary arrangement.
Of all the times I wish he would speak to me, I wish I could hear his voice, this is the strongest. I wish he would tell me what he’s thinking.
And even though I don’t know sign language, maybe he and Dylan could teach me so we could communicate that way. Something more than eyerolls and passionate embraces. He’s shown me he cares in so many little ways but I can’t help but worry they are for the sake of coexisting in our short lived cohabitation.
Mara, you’re overthinking and over-complicating shit.
I know this about myself, I’m always looking for what’s wrong with a relationship. My ex said I was always causing drama between us when it was unnecessary. And I’m doing that again and we aren’t even a couple.
I can’t let Jason on to my insecurities even more than I have. He’s not responsible for my own short-comings. And the least sexy thing in the world is a girl who’s unsure of herself.
I’ve portrayed the confident girl all my life, the one sure of herself and steadfast in her choices. So wearing the mask of someone not overthinking everything should be a piece of cake.
I just want to enjoy this. Enjoy him. I haven’t been this happy in such a long time. Aside from the sex being out-of-this-world, I’ve never been more content in my life than I have been with this slow living mentality. Nowhere to be, nothing major to do, just honest work that provides for our needs. I haven’t even missed shopping or scrolling TikTok. The dissociation has been more therapeutic than talking to a stranger about my feelings ever was.
I spent all this time trying to get away from this town, from the expectations it holds. I thought I wanted a grand life with big adventures and recognition, so I made drastic changes.
But through this experience I’ve learned I am happier without the pressures I impose on myself than I have ever been. I thought I’d hate working all day, I thought I’d hate the labor and the effect it would have on my body, but I don’t. I feel more empowered than I have since high school sports.
It sounds so cliche, but for the first time in my life, I feel like I’m truly myself.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Mara-Present
Save Yourself-KALEO
It’s been two weeks since Jason and I had our heart to heart and it feels like he’s been making changes to positively affect our relationship. He still has nightmares and he doesn’t talk about it but I see him writing in the middle of the night sometimes and I like to think he’s doing that not only for me, but for himself. He just needed a little push to realize he was his own worst enemy. I just roll over and go back to sleep when I notice he’s writing. I don’t want to disturb him or the cathartic bubble he’s created.
The mornings following his nightmares I wake him up with my lips wrapped around his already hard dick. If he’s noticed that my blow jobs usually correspond with his nightmares, he hasn’t let on to it. The pain etched into his features when he’s lost to a nightmare breaks my heart. He looks like a little boy, helpless and innocent. I know that innocence is gone, he’s a full grown man now, but I still want to remind him he’s cared for.
The more time I spend with Jason, the more I realize he’s a man masquerading as a brute when he’s just a cinnamon roll who needs affection like the rest of us. I want to give him that so badly.
I’ve put my insecurities on the back burner, deciding I need to soak up every ounce of the happiness I’ve been feeling. I don’t know if it will last, so I might as well make the most of right now.
Laying beside Jason at night, the pathetic thoughts creep back in and Istart to worry if he’ll send me packing when the snow melts. It’s hard to ignore them when they pound at my mental walls trying to break through my shields. I don’t know how to explain the back and forth of my thoughts. One day I’m fine and the next I’m struggling. I’m slow. I’m fatigued and worried with little explanation.
For so long, I was just depressed. But with the joy Jason and Dylan have brought me simply by liking who I am without the rest of the world surrounding me–the expectations and astronomical standards, have brought more good days than bad.
I never realized how much I needed the true acceptance of others before now. I thought I had to conform to the image others wanted to earn acceptance and that would make me happy. Through these two unlikely characters in my story, I discovered I’m a reformed people pleaser who didn’t need to change to be happy. I needed to change the people in my life to find contentment.
The people in my life before this happy accident blinded me to the fact that they weren’t what I needed. Maybe I’m pathetic for not realizing it sooner. But I’m human.
I’m cleaning out the chicken stall while Dylan is working on Bessie’s stall. The chicks are thriving. We’re even incubating more eggs at the moment. The last batch of fluffy chicks are skittering around my feet while I try to lay new wood shavings on the floor for them. Afterward, I collect the eggs from the nesting box. There are five today, which is two less than yesterday. But Dylan said it’s normal for their egg production to slow down in the winter. Come April, he said there will be a dozen every morning with the number of layers they have.
I wonder if I’ll be here to see it.
I stop by Bessie’s stall on my way out. Dylan has music playing on his phone, he must have pre-downloaded a bunch of songs before hibernation began. “Need any help?” I ask, leaning against the support beam while Dylan shovels horse shit into a wheel barrel.
“Nah, I got it from here. Almost done. How many eggs today?”
“Five.” I hold the basket out for him to see.
“That’s ok. We don’t need much. In the spring and summer we have eggs coming out of our ears. The chicks won’t be laying until about 18 weeks old.”
“I know Jason doesn’t really leave the mountain in the spring but what about you?” It’s been bugging me for months. I’ve been dying to know what changes for Dylan when the snow melts. This doesn’t seem like the kind of life he’d want but here he is, cleaning a horse stall in below freezing weather. Granted, the barn is heated for the animals.
“Yeah, I go to town for groceries and stuff. Sometimes I go out with a couple friends. But it’s hard to get close to people when you disappear for almost half a year.”
