It feels tactless to ask but… “what about relationships? I mean, how do you meet other guys? Especially in a town that isn’t as progressive in their beliefs. I know you said there are some closeted guys but…” I don’t know what else I’m trying to say.
“You mean, how do I get laid?” Dylan winks at me making this even more uncomfortable than it already is.
“I shouldn’t have asked,” I confess, feeling like I overstepped a boundary.
“No, it’s ok,” Dylan placates me. “I really don’t mind. Honestly, the action is a little dry in this town. I told you there are a few people in the closet who like to get together when the snow melts. But I’ve gotten to a point where I don’t like being a secret anymore.”
“Yeah, I get that,” I admit before thinking better of it. My situation was not nearly the same as Dylan’s. But by the raise of his brows I assume he is curious to learn more.
I sign heavily and begin. “Sorry. My situation was not nearly the same as yours. I was with my ex for about two years and he didn’t actually refer to me as his girlfriend until I caught him cheating and dumped him on the spot. Funny how he never took me to spend time with his family or friends much, but all of a sudden I was the love of his life when I was ending it. I don’t know if he was ashamed of me or just keeping things casual. He was probably cheating on me the whole time. Though I guess it’s not cheating if you’re not official.”
“You never hadthe talk?” Dylan stands the shovel against the wall, abandoning his chore momentarily for the distraction of our conversation.
I shake my head. “I didn’t want to be the needy girlfriend who needed labels on everything. Alpha-jackasses love to belittle women for insecure behaviors such as making a relationship official, calling him her boyfriend. At least that’s the way it was in high school. You’d think I would have learned my lesson.”
Dylan perks up at that. “What is that supposed to mean?” He waggles his eyebrows as if he knows where this is going.
“Ugh,” I huff. “Just…Jason. And please keep this between us. I just don’t really know where we stand. It’s no secret to you we’re fucking. And I think things are a little more than that, now, but I don’t know where we stand when the snow melts and I can leave.”
“Let me guess,” Dylan lowers to the freshly cleared floor and closes his ankles in front of him, “you haven’t bothered to ask him what he wants.”
“Gee, am I that transparent?“ I drop to the ground and bury my face in my palms.
“You two are such a cliche.” He’s laughing, actually laughing at our situation. “You’re both sure of your feelings but confused how to go about it. And before you ask, no, Jason hasn’t told me anything. He doesn’t talk much, in case you haven’t noticed. But I can tell he’s just as unsteady as you in your relationship.”
“You’re pretty wise for a guy who’s never been in a relationship.” No sooner do the words leave my mouth before I register just how insensitive they were. “Oh, Dylan. I am so sorry. That was such a bitchy thing to say and I didn’t mean it how it came out.”
The shadow that passes over his face tells me my words struck a nerve. But it’s gone as quickly as it came and I know it’s already forgiven.
“It’s ok,” he assures me with a wave of his hand, “you’re right. I’ve never been in a relationship. But I’ve observed a lot of failed relationships from the sidelines and I like to think I’ve learned a thing or two from poor examples.”
“Thank you,” I bow my head in shame. “And you’re right. Maybe being a third party observant gives you a better outlook on things.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to find love. I’d love to find a guy who isn’t ashamed to shout from the rooftops that he loves me, but it’s hard to find that here.”
“What about leaving?” Once I’ve dropped that bombshell of a question, it hangs like a mushroom cloud in the air waiting for a response that I don’t think Dylan even knows the answer to. Conflict rages in his eyes. I can see the wheels turning and thoughts battling in his head.
“I’ve thought about it. I’d love to get my teaching degree so I can be a better teacher and coach than I had. I know that sounds fucked up since my wrestling coach was my first. But I didn’t realize how messed up and predatory that was until I was older. I deserved better than that. I deserved a mentor who would encourage me to be who I am instead of messing around with me in his office after hours and keeping it all quiet. I want to be the example that being different in a small town doesn’t have to be a sin.”
If I didn’t already know Dylan was a saint, I’d know with that. The fact that he wants to use his trauma and abuse to change the lives of others for the better is so positive. He’s the picture perfect image of healing and moving on from your past. He could have let his experiences break him, but he’s choosing to use his pain to heal the world instead.
“That’s a really selfless outlook,” I praise him. “So why don’t you? Why not enroll in classes as soon as the snow melts?”
Dylan chews on his lip mulling that notion over, averting his eyes from me in the process. Finally, he discloses, “I couldn’t do that to Jason. Not after all he’s done for me. The business is growing and he can’t keep up with orders on his own. Especially in the summer. He needs my help. And I owe him.”
Excuse me?
“What?” My brows pull together and I lean forward as if I can coax more out of him. “You owe him? For what?”
Dylan looks like a deer in the headlights. Frozen in time with an expression of regret and shock on his face. “It’s not my story to tell,” he finally says, which does absolute shit to satisfy my curiosity.
“It certainly sounds like it is. What happened, Dylan?”
“Mara, I’m not sure he wants you to—.”
“Bullshit,” I sound fiercer than I meant to. “Does it have something to do with why he doesn’t speak?”
“No, I have no idea why he doesn’t speak. Not sure we ever will. This is something different. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
