Fuck. I never dream about the day my father took me to work with him. Usually it’s about the fight on the porch. Why the fuck is my head messing with me like this?
Sticky sweat coats my half-naked body. My vision clears and I’m back in my bedroom, in a chilly room since the embers in the hearth are nearly out. Small hands hold my face in their grasp with a force like they’re afraid I might slip away, fearful yet determined. I look up into Mara’s eyes and remember where I am, how old I am, the blowjob she gave me before bedthat was so intense it knocked me out.
“Jason,” she sighs when she notices the recognition in my eyes. “Hey. Were you having a nightmare?”
I nod and rub my eyes as her hands fall away. Folding the quilts away from me, I head to the hearth and begin building the fire back up with some pre-cut kindling and firewood.
“I know you have nightmares a lot,” she announces as if I don’t already know she’s aware of them. “But you were shaking in your sleep, Jason. You don’t usually shake. Usually, you just jolt awake in the middle of the night. Was this one different?”
I could nod, because she’s right, but I don’t want to acknowledge that. Why does she have to be so damned observant?
I return to the bed and smash our faces together in a determined kiss. Maybe I can distract her from what she’s picking up on. One hand on her lower back, and the other pressed against the mattress I start to lower her flat against the bed but she resists.
“Hey,” she breaks the kiss and tries to placate me. “Do you want to talk about it? I mean, I know you don’t talk. But, do you need to process it?”
Fuck no.
I start to lower her again and run my palm along her smooth outer thigh pushing up the t-shirt she’s wearing to bed. No underwear. Perfect. I slip my hand between her legs and start stroking her pussy that gets soaked at the first of my touches. She’s so easy to turn on for me. Just for me. Mine.
“Jason,” she says but not in the way she usually does when I’m between her legs. She says it like she’s annoyed. “You can’t use sex to ignore your problems.” I ignore her comment and keep stroking her, admittedly less coordinated than usual. “You don’t have to talk to me about it but maybe you should write about what you’re feeling. Jason.”
Fuck.The annoyance in her voice tells me she’s going to ignore the way her body responds to me and try to make this bigger than it needs to be. Why does she have to stick her fucking nose in my goddamn business?
I pull my hand away and put distance between us in an instant, running my hands through my hair, significantly longer than when the winter started.
“Jason, please,” she pleads, “I don’t like seeing you like this. I don’t like seeing you shake in your sleep. And you can’t tell me what happened in your sleep to make you shake like that which only makes it worse.”
Yeah, cause you need to know everything about everyone all the time.
“I just think if you wrote down what you’re feeling you might be able to work through whatever it is since you can’t talk about it.”
I shake my head no. No fucking way I’m writing myfeelingsdown like some loser with a diary. Not my style. She’s inserting herself where she doesn’t belong.
I kick the dresser with the inner side of my foot. Not hard, but enough to rattle the drawers. I don’t want to deal with this. I’m already on edge from that fucking dream and now Mara is trying to get me to open up about shit that should stay buried. And it’s the middle of the goddamn night. This is not the time. I have all this restless energy, now, so I storm out of the room. Without knowing where I’m going to I somehow end up in the gym in the garage.
As good a place as any, I suppose.
Even though its two in the morning, I decide to do an incline treadmill walk to work off my excess energy that’s fizzling and burning under my skin.
It helps. So I head back upstairs to my room ready to silently apologize to what I’m sure is a pissed Mara. But my room is empty, my bed is empty. But I think I know where she is.
Making a point.
So I make a point of my own by sliding into Mara’s bed beside her. It’s significantly colder in here without a fire in the corner which explains why she’s curled up in a ball like a cat.
When she’s beside me, she usually sleeps splayed across me like a starfish.
I curl my body around hers telling myself it’s to share my body heat with her. But really, it’s because I need her. I don’t like that I need her but I do. I need her close to keep the demons at bay. I need to feel her so I know she’s safe. The warmth of her skin against mine helps me breathe a little easier when it feels like my chest is caving in around my lungs.
Burying my face in the crook of her neck, I fall asleep with her scent in my lungs instead of the pressure that always makes me feel like I’m slowly deteriorating. But not with her. Not when I touch her.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Mara-Present
Silence-Marshmello Ft. Khalid
I woke up as angry as when I went to bed. But a lot of the hostility I felt fizzled out when I felt the warm body curled around me. The hot breath in my hair sent tingles down my spine and softened my fiery disposition. I was glad I had another bed to go to to make a point last night, but I would have slept on the fucking porch if I had to. I’m trying to be understanding of the nonverbal communication we have. I’m trying to be understanding of the dark past he’s trying to hide or whatever is haunting him at night. But I don’t deserve to be his emotional punching bag. I put up with that shit for far too long with my exes.
