He stands, following me and pulls me close. “Not sure,” he murmurs as he cradles me against his side. “I’ve never been with someone like this before.”
A flush creeps down my skin to think of this being different for him too. Special.
He lets me go a minute later and I sit back down to eat my sandwich. But I’m only halfway through when he starts talking again. “My father, or the man everyone thinks is my father…”
My head snaps up at that, the sandwich turning to paste in my mouth.
“He was the spare. The younger brother of the duke. And he lived his life like he didn’t have a care in the world. Nearly bankrupted the family. He’d be gone for weeks, even months at a time, partying throughout Europe, or on safari, or…who the hell knows.” Ryker grimaces down at his sandwich as I turn to him.
“My mother got fed up, I think. She had three boys. Win, Tris, and Gris and she was raising them on her own. She had an affair with the groundskeeper.” Ryker’s mouth twitches. “I’m the product of that affair.”
The tips of my fingers have gone cold. “Ryker.”
“He knew. The man who is publicly considered my father, and he hated me for not being his. Or maybe he hated me for being less.”
“Less?”
“We are not bluebloods, Sasha. Not like Triston, Gris, and Win.”
“Killian?” I ask, because some things are clicking into place. They are rougher looking, Ryker and Killian. They look different, they act different too, with less charm and polish, and more direct aggression.
“You guessed it. We’re not actually Smiths. We’ve always been…outsiders.”
I nip at my lip. I think I understand. “Being outsiders does not make you less. Your brothers know?”
“Everyone knows. No one talks about it. I have an equal share in the profits. On paper, we appear equals. Appearances are ever important in my family. But in terms of the actual operations, Killian and I…we’ve always been shoved to the side.”
I touch his thigh. He covers my hand with his and then leans forward, pressing his forehead to mine. “I understand,” I whisper.
“Thank you, love. I appreciate your understanding. But beyond my anger at Lord Smith, I’ve been wondering the past few days, how much of my brothers treating me differently is about them and their feelings, and how much is me being a dick…” He trails off again.
I get it. He’s trying to make the same decision as me. If he gave them more love, would they love him back?
Or would he be rejected, just like I might be rejected?
I nip at my lip. “I can’t say, but maybe we can test it out together. While we’re doing this thing and we’ve got each other’s backs?”
I know we’ve got an end date. Two days in, and the idea of this thing ending makes me ache.
But just like my family, I think I’ve decided that I’m going to give Ryker my all. I’m going to try and love, and for the first time in my life, I’m going to see what happens when I do and what I get in return.
CHAPTER THIRTY
Ryker
After we eat,I tuck Sasha into bed and return to my office.
Crafting an email to my lawyer, I start asking big questions. How can I transfer the casino that Katarina sold me to Sasha?
I’m not giving it back to Katarina. She entered into a knowing bargain, one that she agreed to at her sister’s expense.
But Sasha? She’s been a hapless victim in this entire affair, and I will not participate in victimizing her any longer.
I should never have done it in the first place. It fills me with… I push the feelings of shame away.
She was right. Love is a choice. I don’t know how I want to change my relationships with my brothers. But I’m clear on where Sasha fits into my life.
She is my future. My purpose.
