“No, it was!It was!”I insisted.“I know you won’t understand, but I thought the pain of me leaving you would be better than the pain of me staying!Everything I touch falls to shit!Everything I try to save ends up dead!I didn’t want to kill you too!”
He let out a frustrated groan.“You’re not going to kill me.That doesn’t even make any sense.You haven’t killed anyone that didn’t deserve it.”
“I killed Clementine!”I blurted out, and I didn’t even know I was going to say it.I didn’t even mean to, I never wanted to confess it aloud ever, but the words were suddenly out of my mouth, and in the air, and I was trembling all over.
“What?”
“A few weeks before I left the Barbarabelle.”Everything came out in a rushed breath, because I knew I’d only be able to say it once, that I could only say it fast, because once I started crying I would never be able to stop.“I was hunting with Ripley, and she flushed a deer out of the trees, and I fired my arrow.But it wasn’t a deer that came running out of the trees.It was Clementine, and my arrow hit her straight in the heart.And… and then the zombies got her when I was washing the blood off my hands, and Juniper was in a tree, so I saved her and I brought the body back, and everyone thought I was a hero.But I did it.It was me.I am death.”
And that was it.Like a damn had broken inside me, and all the pain and rage and shame and guilt and remorse came pouring out of me in uncontrollable sobs.
Boden didn’t hesitate to pull me into his arms, and I was overwhelmed by how much I missed him and how much I didn’t deserve him.The way he smelled, the way he felt.Nothing else in my life felt like home except for his arms.
I clung to him and I cried into his chest, even though I knew I was greedy and selfish, and I was the one who should be comforting him.But I couldn’t stop.I couldn’t do anything else but let him hold me.
“Remy.”He stroked my back and kissed the top of my head as he held me to him.“No, no,no.You’re not death.That’s why you left?”
“Yes.No.I don’t know,” I finally said once I got my crying under control.“I needed my life to have meant something.”
“You really think your life hasn’t meant anything?”he asked me sadly.“That you haven’t already given enough of yourself?”
I shook my head.“I’m still here.So, no, I haven’t given enough.”
“Fucking hell, Remy.”He exhaled roughly.“Please.For me and Stella and everyone who cares about you, can you knock off the self-flagellation and justlisten?You are one of the strongest, most relentless people I have met in my entire life, but you are still onlya person.You aren’t meant to save the world single handedly.No one is.”He put his hand under my chin so I’d look up at him in the dim starlight.“You do know that, right?”
“I honestly feel like I don’t know anything anymore,” I admitted, and then, because we’d already wasted too much time on me, I asked, “Have you rested or eaten anything today?You’ve been travelling for so long.”
“I could actually stand to eat,” Boden admitted.
“There’s this place two doors down that serves excellent food,” I said.“Why don’t we get something to eat, have a rest, and we can talk about things more tomorrow?”
“That sounds perfect.”
69
Remy
In the morning, I woke up in my bed with Boden’s arm draped over me, and for a moment, I thought everything had been a dream.That the entire past nine months had been nothing but a reverie.
But when I opened my eyes, I could see the canal just beyond the window, and I knew I was atThe Frozen Grave.
The two of us were fully clothed, and we hadn’t even really done much talking after dinner.We were both so exhausted, so we’d just laid together in bed and fell asleep.Ripley, meanwhile, spent the night next door with Stella, who she had missed so much.
I rolled over to face Boden, and he opened his eyes.“Good morning.”
“Good morning,” he replied with a tired smile.“I half-expected you to run out on me while I was sleeping.”
I laughed softly.“I won’t do that again.”
“It would’ve really put a damper on our reconciliation,” he agreed.
“Is that what this is?”I asked, putting my hand on his cheek, so his stubble scraped my palm.“A reconciliation?”
“What do you want?Really?”he asked directly.
“I don’t want to be apart from you again, but I still want to see what I can do with Cold Shore.If there’s a chance that I could make this world safer for Fae, for Stella, for everyone… I want to do it.”
“I don’t want to be apart from you, either,” he admitted, putting his hand on top of mine.“But I don’t want you getting exploited or abused again.I do understand and admire your intentions for a better world.So I think the solution is that we go to Cold Shore together.I’ve been a soldier before, so they should have a place for me.”
