I turned to throw the cup into the trash can next to his nightstand when he grabbed my wrist and yanked me onto the bed.
“Touch me. I need you.”
I shook my head. “No, Jesse. You’re drunk. I won’t touch you when you’re drunk.”
“But you’ll touch me when I’m not?” he asked, raising a brow as he propped his elbow onto his pillow. “What if I said please? Pretty please with sugar.” He brushed his lips against my cheek, painting a trail of tiny kisses to my ear.
“Jesse, stop it.” I sat up, shoving him back. “You’re not thinking clearly. I know you’re hurting, but?—”
“I’ve only let myself do this once. I mean, once while thinking about you.” He shut his eyes and laughed to himself. “I wouldn’t do it that summer, even though I missed you so fucking much I couldn’t see straight. If I came thinking of you, I’d never get you out of my head. Not that I ever really did,” he said, brushing the hair off my forehead. “You were always in there somewhere.”
“When did you?” I asked, wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I’d gotten him home, and now, that was where I needed to go. Away from him and this ache in my heart and between my legs that had no cure.
I had no time for questions I couldn’t handle the answers to.
“That night after the reunion. I was so happy you didn’t hate me anymore. And you looked so damn beautiful.” He cupped my cheek, setting my skin on fire from the skid of his thumb along my jaw. “I was a sloppy kid back then. Lost in how good it was to be inside you and how sweet you tasted. Now, if I had the chance, I could give you what you need. I’d make itsogood, Em.”
“Jesse, please stop,” I said, forcing air out of my lungs to form words. The ache at my core was a full-on throb, all my blood flow now in my clit with nowhere to go. “You don’t mean what you’re saying.”
“The fuck I don’t.” His jaw clenched as he hovered over me. “I meaneverything.”
I shimmied out of his hold to push him back on the mattress. “I’ll go home and forget about all of this, just like you will when you wake up. But I mean it about never drinking alone like that again. Do you have an extra key so I can lock up?”
“If you can’t touch me, kiss me. I swear I want you to. Please, baby.”
My chest squeezed at the crack in his voice. He was hurting, and all I’d wanted to do tonight was make him feel better. But kissing him wouldn’t only be for his benefit. I needed him too. More than I’d wanted to acknowledge and now couldn’t deny.
I let my fingers curl into his hair, and I scraped my nails along his scalp. He moaned, guttural enough for the vibration to run right through me. I inched toward him, easing my lips onto his until they barely touched. I backed away, hoping it would appease him enough to lie back down and pass out.
He shook his head and looped his arm around my waist, drawing me closer until we were almost chest to chest. He brought his lips back to mine, slanting his head before dragging his tongue along the seam of my lips. My mouth opened on a gasp before I let him in, my hands back in his hair as the kiss caught fire, our teeth scraping as our tongues tangled, both of us licking into each other’s mouths in long sweeps, chasing a twenty-year thirst we’d managed to push aside until it consumed us.
He rolled me on top of him, gliding his hands up and down my back as his erection pressed against my core. I repeatedone more minuteover and over in my head, but I couldn’t make myself stop. I skimmed my hands down his arms and over his strong shoulders, bringing them to the back of his neck as I pulled him closer, deepening the kiss I should never have let happen at all, never mind let go this far.
“Okay,” I murmured against Jesse’s lips as I finally tore my lips away. “I need to go, and you need to sleep.”
His head sank into the pillow as his breathing slowed. It was as if our crazy kiss had pacified him enough to grasp on to some peace, if only for the moment. I kissed his forehead as his eyes fluttered.
“No,” he breathed out, clutching my wrist with his eyes still half shut. “Stay with me. Please,” he said, settling on his side and pulling my back to his front.
I let my head fall back into the pillow and groaned. I gently squirmed out of his hold enough to slip away, when I noticed the purple cushion on the chair next to his bed. The entire house had notes of purple, all, I was sure, courtesy of Maddie.
I plopped my head back down as Jesse brought me closer, his breathing soft and even against my neck.
Whether he knew what he was saying or not, I couldn’t leave any more than I could stop kissing him, even if it would further complicate things between us. It didn’t matter if he probably wouldn’t remember asking me to stay or the mind-blowing kiss we’d shared that felt as soul-searing as it was wrong. I let myself drift off, feeling some of the solace that had finally put Jesse out, and savored the stolen moment before I’d have to give it back.
13
JESSE
I squeakedmy eyes open and clenched them right back shut as pain ricocheted across my temples. I cupped my forehead, shielding my eyes before I squinted at my window, the sun peeking through just enough to make my splitting headache even worse.
I didn’t remember much of last night or how I’d even gotten into bed. How much had I had to drink to almost black out?
I eased up to sitting and glanced at the clock on my nightstand. Panic laced through me for a minute as I shot up to get Maddie, then remembered she was with my parents.
On a trip to distract them all from my sister’s birthday today.
Despite the painful haze I’d woken up in, I couldn’t forget that. I’d inhaled most of a bottle of whiskey trying. I’d felt off from the time my parents had picked Maddie up, like a fungus or residue lingered on me that I couldn’t wipe away or shake. I felt my sister’s loss every day, but I was too busy holding things together for Maddie’s sake and so afraid of being a screwup as a parent that it hadn’t sunk all the way in that my sister was truly gone. I’d managed to hold it back from seeping into that last layer, the one that made it permanent.
