He took a long sip from his beer glass and lifted his head, a slow grin splitting his mouth.
“And then Maddie was born, and we all fell too much in love with her to think of her as anything other than a blessing.”
My heart broke all over again when Jesse’s eyes glossed over.
“For most of Maddie’s life, I was the uncle with all the presents and fun trips. She loved to FaceTime me about everything at school and cool things she did with her mother and—” his smile faded as he shook his head “—I’ll never forgivemyself for not moving back sooner. At least I could have spent more time with them both in person rather than on a screen.”
I shook my head and reached out for his hand because I couldn’t help myself. “You had no idea what would happen, so you can’t blame yourself for that. We always think we have more time than we do.”
He took a long sip of beer and lifted a shoulder.
“Tessa always looked exhausted whenever we talked. She said it was because she was getting used to night shifts at the hospital and blew me off. Maddie had just turned six, and Tessa was finally able to move into an apartment of her own. She insisted it was probably the stress of settling in. While I had a bad feeling there was more to it, I’d never suspected leukemia.”
The devastation combined with obvious guilt drained Jesse’s features.
The waitress brought our burgers over, both of us muttering a thank-you as we stayed silent and still.
“I keep saying it, but I’m so sorry,” I said, swallowing after I caught my voice crack.
“I know,” he said so softly, his words were almost inaudible. “When Maddie was born, Tessa asked me if I could be Maddie’s guardian just in case of anything, and of course, I agreed. Toward…the end…I told her that I wouldn’t be insulted if she wanted to give Maddie to my parents instead, but she swore she still wanted me.”
“Of course she did.” I tried to smile despite the tears pricking my eyes. “You were always her first choice for everything.”
“Well, this time, I keep wondering what the hell she was thinking. Maddie’s therapist said to get her involved in an extracurricular activity, and Maddie asked to join soccer before I even had a chance to research or suggest anything.”
I glanced at the huge burger and the mountain of fries in front of me, too sick for Jesse and his family to want to take a bite.
“That’s a lot.”
“It has been,” he mumbled around a mouthful of food. “But I grasp at signs that she’s maybe settling in with me. Like today. She looked like she was having fun or was at least excited about the prospect of having fun later on.”
“And then you found out I was her coach.”
A smile broke out on his face as he chewed.
“Yes, that was a little bit of a surprise. It shouldn’t have been, same as I shouldn’t have been surprised to see Penny there since I think she carried a soccer ball under her arm all through high school,” he joked as he set down his burger.
“I think it’s a good thing that you’re her coach. A great thing.” A grin split his mouth. “I know you’ll do everything you can to make this an awesome experience for her.”
“Well, I’m going to try,” I said, picking up a fry and working myself up to taking a bite.
“I know you’ll do more than just try. Maddie is in great hands with you. It’s another good sign.”
“Well, I’ll take that compliment. I’m sure you’re adjusting to being back on Long Island too.”
“That isn’t much of an adjustment. I came back and forth as much as I could, when I wasn’t putting in crazy hours. The job I have now is busy but manageable, which it has to be since it’s not just me to consider anymore.”
I guessed Jesse had been unattached for a while if he could just pick up and move back, but that question, I was keeping to myself. If he wasn’t ready for a drink with a friend at a bar, he probably didn’t have much of a personal life. And while knowing he was single relieved me in ways it shouldn’t have, I hated thinking of him so isolated.
“So, that’s the whole story.” He tipped back the rest of his beer and drained the glass. “Stop worrying about me and eat your dinner,” he teased, nodding his chin to my full plate.
“Do you know what this reminds me of?” I mused as I reached for the ketchup bottle. “The first weekend after your dad gave you his Corolla, and we were supposed to go out but your parents had to visit your Aunt Lu because she was sick, so they left Tessa with you?”
Jesse’s eyes shut as he nodded.
“We had the whole night planned out, and Tessa begged us to take her to that arcade.” Jesse rolled his eyes.
“Yes, and she played pinball until her thumbs cramped, and we dragged her to the diner next door. She said she needed an extra big cheeseburger from playing so hard, but we had to cut it into pieces before she could wrap her hands around it.” I chuckled despite the burn at the back of my throat.
