“It did. Took a few minutes to get her to talk, but we had a nice chat. She misses her mother, but she loves staying with you. And she’s afraid she’s making you feel badly because she’s sad her mother isn’t here anymore.”
“Weallhate that her mother isn’t here anymore for a million reasons, but the last thing I want is for her to worry about me.” I propped my elbow on the arm of the couch and rubbed my temple.
“Kids are perceptive. She sees a family in grief who now has to take care of her like her mother used to. It’s a natural reaction.”
“I need a better poker face. She shouldn’t see me like this,” I muttered and rubbed the back of my neck.
“She shouldn’t see how much her uncle misses his sister? I disagree. I think working through it together is how you’ll all start to heal. And bringing her here is a step in the right direction. Give yourself a break, Jesse.”
I got what she was saying, but I still felt too guilty to agree. “Did she mention anything else?”
“She mentioned it felt different starting school next week in her new house without her mother, but she was looking forward to seeing her friends. An extracurricular activity may help distract her a little.”
“Like sports?”
Tessa had tried to put her in dance last year, and it hadn’t worked out. By the time she’d enrolled her, all the other girls her age had already been in dance for a few years, and they’d made fun of her for being so behind them.
Then my sister got sick, and she couldn’t look into anything else.
“Well, maybe you could talk to the school and see if there’s a sport she can get involved with or some kind of club. It’s not that we want her to avoid dealing with her feelings, but we don’t want that to be the only thing she deals with. Make sense?”
“It does. I just… I just need to think.” I dropped my gaze to the carpet.
“Don’t stress about that. I’m sure if you ask her teacher, she can direct you to something Maddie may like. I think it’s important to keep her a kid as much as you can. Children who lose parents grow up very fast, but some fun with friends could go a long way.”
“That makes sense,” I said, trying to figure out what Maddie could be interested in. Since I worked from home, I could takeher back and forth from whatever she chose, but new shame hit me as I had no clue about what she’d want to do.
“I’m trying to get her to pick out things for our new condo. I told her she could choose any decorations she wanted, and she’s told me no every time. I understand that she’s still adjusting to living with me, but I want her to feel at home, and I don’t know how to do that without rushing her.”
“That’ll come in time. Until then, she seems fine, considering her situation, and it’s very obvious that she loves her uncle.”
“I love her too. So much. I just… I’m trying to figure out how to be what she needs. Which is why we’re here.” I motioned around her office and to all the different puzzles and games.
“I could see that.” Dr. Asher’s mouth curved into a kind smile. “What you have to do is understand that both of you need time to adjust. This is a new situation. Nothing is going to be seamless from the beginning. Let yourself make mistakes along the way. Mistakes are how all parents learn. You just happened to be coming into it beyond the diaper stage.”
“Well, I was around for the diaper stage but admittedly not that hands on. I mean, I held her all the time when I’d see her, but…”
We shared a chuckle.
“Be there for her just like you’re doing now. And for the condo, maybe buy things you think she’d like and get her opinion that way.”
“I’ll do that. There’s something else I wanted to ask you.”
Caden’s voice was in my head, and although I knew the answer, having Dr. Asher agree with me would at least give my decision some validation—to whoever was nosy enough to pry, and to myself when I had a weak moment.
“While I have her, especially for these first few months or maybe even years, it’s a good idea if I don’t date anyone, right?”
Her brows pulled together as she sat back in the chair.
“Are you looking for me to give you permission, or for me to give you an out?”
“I really don’t know,” I admitted as a nervous chuckle escaped me. “I feel like my attention should be on her and her alone. Some people are telling me that I’m overreacting about it.”
“Well, only you could say if you’re overreacting. The one thing I would suggest is that you don’t introduce somebody new to her right away, unless you are pretty sure that they’re going to be a permanent part of your life. But if you want to go out and have a good time sometimes until then, that’s allowed.” She shrugged. “All parents deserve some self-care and a little time to themselves.”
“I suppose,” I said, resting my elbows on my knees. Maybe I was looking for an out. The thought of getting lost in Emily again when I knew I wasn’t enough for her felt like the worst kind of déjà vu. While I still believed my focus belonged on my niece without any distractions, if I was honest with myself, I didn’t mind the barrier and excuse not to try to bring Emily back into my life.
I both wanted her and was terrified at the prospect of being consumed by her all over again and hurting us both.
