“If you’d had me at home to worry about, it wouldn’t have been the same. Your focus wouldn’t have been where it was supposed to be.”
“Maybe not. But you took that choice away from me.” She lifted her head, her jaw clenched again. “I loved you too. We could have figured something out.”
“I really don’t know if we could have. Not in the state of mind I was in anyway. I think what would have ended up happening was a lot of tears and a shit-ton of heartbreak. And even though I was an asshole about it, I still believe dragging it out would have been worse.”
I searched her face for clues that maybe I was getting through before I continued.
“And look at you. You’re successful. Whether or not you made it a career, you had the chance to play and travel all over the country. I’ve only been to, like, ten states. Maybe.”
My joke fell flat as she averted her gaze from mine.
“But you wouldn’t have held me back,” she said in a soft whisper.
I shook my head. “You don’t know that.”
“Youdon’t know that.”
“I guess I don’t,” I conceded. “But I can’t change what I did.”
“But you didn’t have to do it…likethat.” Her jaw tightened when her gaze came back to mine.
There was the fire I remembered. Emily would have fought for me. I knew that even back then, and it was a big reason why I hadn’t stuck around to hear what she had to say. Running away like a scared little prick had been my way of being brave. I would have folded like a sad deck of cards had I allowed myself to stay and see how much I’d hurt her.
“No, I did,” I coughed out a laugh. “I had to be a jerk about it. I needed it to stick and give you no room to talk me out of it because I loved you too much. It’s as simple and as complex as that.”
Emily chewed on her bottom lip but didn’t try to argue with me. I hoped maybe that meant I was getting through, or at least making her understand a little.
“I loved you. And I never, ever wanted to hurt you.” I scooted closer to the edge of the booth. “I hate that I did. If it’s any consolation, I was a wreck after I left and basically the rest of the summer. I broke my heart that night as much as I broke yours.”
Her expression softened but still seemed pained. She swallowed, her eyes shining as they held mine.
“I hope someday you can believe me. But today, that’s all I have.”
“I’m sorry for the holdup.”
We didn’t break eye contact when the waitress came to our table.
“What can I get the both of you?”
“I’ll have a cup of coffee, please,” I muttered, still staring at Emily.
“I’ll have a cup of coffee and a very big chunk of the carrot cake that I saw on the way over here.” She pointed a finger at the glass case of desserts behind the counter.
“Sure,” the waitress said, scribbling on her pad.
“Make that two,” I said before the waitress walked off.
Our eyes locked for a long minute. Now that I wasn’t afraid to be caught staring at her for too long, I had the chance to really appreciate how beautiful she was. Sitting across from her, I still felt like that lanky kid who only needed a minute to fall for the girl of his dreams.
Too bad he hadn’t been able to keep her.
“So that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. It was easier to do that without Caden and Sabrina and everyone we ran into tonight leering at us like we were zoo animals.”
A little weight lifted off my chest when a tiny chuckle shook her shoulders.
“I don’t expect you to forgive me. But whether you wanted to hear it or not, I needed to explain and at least try to make you understand. Even just a little.” I pinched the air between my thumb and index finger.
“You know,” Emily started as she unwrapped the paper napkin from around her knife and fork. “That day, I almost gave up my scholarship.”
