“We were talking about college, and they kept asking me what I was going to do when you became a big soccer star all those hours away, and did I really expect to stay together when every guy on your campus would want you?”
I waited for her reaction, any reaction. Her eyes were still thinned to slits and focused on me, but she said nothing.
“And I knew that. You were so goddamn beautiful and talented.” I exhaled with a slow shake of my head. “But I guess I never really thought about what would happen to us until that night. Or I didn’t let myself consider it, not really, until then.”
I stretched my arm along the back of the seat, my eyes still on Emily’s.
“One of them told a story about their older brother trying to have a long-distance relationship with his girl when she went away to school, and when he went up to visit her, he caught her with another guy. All I kept thinking was, how was I going to function with you all the way up there, wondering what you were doing?”
“So, you didn’t trust me. Just because of what may or may not have happened to your friend’s older brother?”
“Wasn’t that I didn’t trust you. Well, I guess maybe it was. You were the first girl I ever loved, and thinking of other guys leering at you or you finding someone else made me crazy. I was young, stupid, and scared. I was aware that I was losing you a little already, but that was when it really sank in.”
The clench in Emily’s jaw loosened a little as her eyes went glossy.
“I didn’t know what was more awful, losing you there or losing you here. But I couldn’t keep you. I figured that much. You worked your ass off for that scholarship. What could I do? Tell you to give it all up for me, your high school boyfriend who still didn’t know for sure what his major was going to be?”
“You were more than just a high school boyfriend to me. How could you not know that?” Emily’s voice was soft and small.
“I did, but I was too nuts over it all at that point to remember. I actually didn’t drive to your house intending to break up with you. I wanted to talk and for you to tell me that it would all be fine, so we could forget about it for the rest of the summer. But then the more I drove, the angrier I became, until I decided to just do it. Get it all over with before it really hurt.”
Emily’s eyes bored into mine so hard I didn’t catch her blink.
“Did you really think that night didn’t hurt? Going from being happy and in love one day, to you telling me… What were your words?” She tapped her chin. “Right. That we should just end it now and move on with our lives. Then before I could figure out what to even say, you peeled out of my driveway and my life. You really thought that was the easier way?”
“Like I said, I was a kid. A stupid, stupid kid who loved a girl who was too good for him and it made him crazy.”
“Jesse,” Emily breathed out. “Come on.”
“It’s true. I still stand by that.” I gave her a sad smile. “You were a straight A student who would have ended up with a scholarship, with or without soccer. You were smart. Beautiful. Fucking exceptional.”
A smile ghosted my lips as I watched the now-stranger sitting across from me. I didn’t know the woman she was, but I’d known the girl she used to be, as much as I could have known anyone.
What we’d had could have been dismissed as puppy love, but whenever I allowed myself to think back to that time, the love between us was real enough to be searing. I just hadn’t known the extent of it until I saw her again—and too many years had passed to do anything about it.
I’d doubted myself on and off for how I’d ended it. And at the time, I’d wanted it to go on forever. Wantedusforever.
But it wasn’t meant to be. No matter how old I became or how many reunions we’d run into each other at, that would always sting.
“You were destined for great things, and I didn’t want to be the one to hold you back. Well, I did, but I couldn’t.”
“I don’t understand. How would you have held me back?”
“You were already mapping out dates you could come home, an almost twelve-hour round trip, to see me. If you didn’t have me to think about, you could, eventually, I hoped, relax and maybe enjoy it. You never had a second to relax and never really enjoyed high school.”
“Who does?” she scoffed. “I only enjoyed high school with you.”
“I know you did.” That lost look in her eyes made me want to leap across the seat and draw her into my arms, however inappropriate now. “I enjoyed every second with you. But I thought breaking it off quickly would mean I wouldn’t have to worry about who you were with every minute of the day and bedreading the moment you’d realize you could do so much better than me.”
“And you didn’t think I had the same feelings about leaving you? My biggest worry was that you’d forget me, and that night, you basically told me you wanted to forget meandus as soon as possible.”
“Only because I felt like I had no choice. But regardless of the selfish and childish reasons why, or how much I hated it, looking back, I believe it was the right thing.”
“Because I became a big soccer star?” She scoffed.
“So, you didn’t make soccer your career. But I’m sure you loved playing in college.”
She bobbed her head in a reluctant nod.
