“Text me when you get home, please. It’s late.”
I nodded. “Yes, sir.” I gave him a pretend salute.
We finally let each other go and backed away. I instantly felt empty and wrapped my arms around myself, so I could still feel his embrace.
“Thank you again, Lucas. I still feel terrible that I didn’t get you anything.”
Lucas glanced down at the sidewalk and let out a long sigh. When he picked his head up to meet my gaze, his piercing blue eyes were pained.
“You’re my favorite part of every day.That’smy gift. Merry Christmas, Sam.”
“Merry Christmas, Lucas.” I smiled big enough to hide the tear rolling down my cheek.
Amazing how the most joy I’d ever felt came hand in hand with painful despair. I finally had the one thing I always wanted, but I wasn’t free to take it. God certainly had a hell of a sense of humor.
Five
Samantha
After Christmas,things shifted between Lucas and me. There had always been some kind of attraction, but now I couldn’t deny the fact it wasn’t one-sided.
I raced around the house, getting ready for work in record time after sleeping through my alarm. I’d never done that before, but I’d been texting back and forth with Lucas until about two o’clock. We spoke all day long now, and into the night. When I wasn’t thinking about him, I was speaking to him. There was no way I could keep kidding myself that we were “just friends.” Sure, nothing physical had happened yet, but only because we were always in public. The accidental brushes against each other that sent shivers right up my spine and the hello and goodbye kisses that lingered longer than they should were slowly chipping away at my resolve. It was becoming a question ofwhensomething would happen between us, notif.
Making sure Bella was packed for another Daisies sleepover tonight, I quickly slipped on my pencil skirt and a pale blue silk blouse for this morning’s client meeting. I was enjoying a quick cup of coffee when Marc sauntered out of our bedroom with a large duffle bag and headed right for the door.
“Going somewhere?”
Marc stopped in his tracks without looking at me.
Maybe he was leaving for good? He was hardly ever home. He picked Bella up from school, dropped her off at his parents’ house, and then hung out with his buddies. Our house had become somewhere to shower and eat before heading back out.
“Tonight is Rob’s bachelor party in Atlantic City. Carmine is picking me up. I probably won’t be home until sometime Sunday afternoon.”
I shrugged. “Have fun.” I put the empty coffee mug in the sink and was about to call Bella downstairs.
“Wow, that’s all you have to say? No twenty questions or bitching about me being out. You feeling okay?” Marc laughed.
“What difference would that make? You come and go as you please without giving your wife and daughter a second thought. Why waste energy?” I didn’t care what Marc did anymore—at all. So after all these years of being treated like a nag and an inconvenience, why did I feel guilty? Things had been heading this way between us for a long time, but over the past few months, they seemed to be getting worse at a much faster rate. Was it because my heart wasn’t in it? My interests were elsewhere, and the ding of an incoming text from my phone at seven forty-five in the morning confirmed it.
“Whatever.” Marc rolled his eyes and hustled out the door. I blamed him for our marriage failing, but it wasn’t all him. I gave up on us a long time ago. Our marriage had been two people going through the motions for a long time, and now we didn’t even do that.
Lucas: How about dinner tonight?
Me: Sure. I can meet you at 6. I’m up for whatever you want to eat.
Lucas: Great, meet me at my apartment after you get out of work. Ring the top bell, and I’ll buzz you in.
His apartment? What the hell was I doing?The emotional affair we were obviously having was the elephant in the room we never discussed. In my silly little brain, denying it was the only way I could keep it from progressing. Saying “no, being in your apartment is not a good idea” made it truer than I was ready to deal with.
Me: OK. See you then.
I wasn’t fooling anyone, least of all myself.
* * *
We’ll only be herefor a little while. I’ll stay as far away as physically possible until we go out. I can handle myself for a half hour.
I ran up the stairs to Lucas’s apartment after he buzzed me in. He was waiting with the door open when I got to the top of the stairs.
