“No problem! I’ll take care of you, Baby Girl.”Baby Girl?I got another wink as he sauntered away. Apparently, I was counting them now.
“Do you need a napkin to wipe up the drool?” Daina chuckled and shook her head as she sat in the beach chair next to me. I rolled my eyes in response.
“I was not drooling. Does Lucas have a girlfriend? Wait, don’t answer me; he’s probably got a few.” I leaned back in the chair and covered my face with my hands. I shouldn’t have been this affected by a guy after meeting him for all of five minutes.
“My cousin is a really nice guy, but he’s good-looking, and unfortunately, he knows it. He’ll help you in school, but try to keep a safe distance—I wouldn’t want you to fall in love and get hurt.”
My phone buzzed in my purse, bringing me back to the present.
Lucas: Wanted to make sure you got home OK. Is it bad to tell you how much I miss you already?
I pinched myself. Yep, still awake. I didn’t dream spending the night with Lucas. I texted back.
Me: I’m almost at my stop now. No. I miss you too.
Lucas: Call me later?
Me: Sure.
My neighborhood seemed so quiet. It was the same street, same walk from the train station—but it all seemed different. It was as if I had been living in black-and-white before, and someone flipped a switch, washing everything in Technicolor brilliance. It was going to be that much harder to pretend I wasn’t miserable now. I put my key in the door and took a deep breath. It was time to face reality.
I opened my front door, and I heard Marc in our bedroom.Crap, he was supposed to be in Atlantic City until Sunday. Why the hell was he home already?I didn’t expect to have to come up with an excuse for being out all night and crept to my bedroom.
“You’re home already? I thought you were staying until tomorrow? Since Bella had a sleepover at Julianna’s, I stayed at Stacia’s last night after we went out after work. You remember her? She moved here from Oregon, and she lives by Madison Square Park, so I took the train home this morning.”
Lying was not my strong suit. I always felt I had to add all these additional details to make my story sound believable. Anyone paying attention could see through me in five seconds. Since the truth was I rode Lucas’s face for half the night, I felt compelled to come up with a believable story that didn’t look like it had any holes. I felt my first pang of shame and guilt, followed by a rush of more shame that I was onlynowstarting to feel this way.
Marc paid so little attention to me, he didn’t find it suspicious at all that his wife came home in a skirt and heels before nine o’clock on a Saturday morning. If I knew him, he didn’t care one way or the other, but we were still married. Whatever I suspected he did or didn’t do in our marriage, adultery was still breaking a commandment—one of the big ones, too, if I remembered correctly from my eight years at St. Anne’s.
“I had to get back early since I’m leaving tomorrow morning.” Marc didn’t even look up, so he hadn’t witnessed my walk of shame through the door.
“Rick told me last night he got me that freelance job I’ve been waiting to hear about. I can finally go back to work.”
“Where?” He was packing a very large suitcase. It didn’t look like he intended to come back anytime soon.
“Chicago. For six months. Maybe longer, depending on how it goes.”
“You applied for a job in Chicago and took it, just like that? Where are you staying?” I realized how ridiculous I sounded, being so indignant after what I just did. Besides, I should expect this from Marc by now. He didn’t consider me a partner, or even someone who factored into any kind of decision he made.
Marc rolled his eyes like he did every time I asked him a question about anything—what to have for dinner, could he pick up Bella from somewhere, or why he took a long-term, out-of-state job without considering he had a family.
“Here we go, nagging as usual. You’ve been bitching about me not working. I finally do get a job, and you still have something to say. I start on Monday morning. Rick has an apartment there already, and I’ll stay with him. Thank God! I’ve been going fucking crazy here. I’m on my way out after I pack. I’ll be home tonight.”
“You’re leaving your daughter for six months, and you aren’t even giving it a second thought?” Nowthiswas behavior I should’ve come to expect—he thought of himself and no one else. I was getting pissed off.
Marc shrugged. “She’s a mommy’s girl anyway. She won’t even notice I’m gone. I’ll promise her a present when I get back, and she’ll be fine. And I don’t have to explain shit to you. I can gowhereI wantwhenI want, and it’s none of your concern. Shut your mouth for once.” He pushed past me to keep packing.
Something inside snapped. I was finally done pretending I had an actual marriage. There was no way I could keep getting treated like this just because I didn’t have the guts to move on. Being alone was a hell of a lot better than this.
“Maybe she wouldn’t be a ‘mommy’s girl’ if you actually spent time with her instead of dropping her off at your parents’ every day like she’s a burden you don’t feel like dealing with. But you know what, Marc, you’re totally right. You’re not my concern, and I am sure as hell not yours. It’s about time we did something about this joke of a marriage. You go your way, and I’ll go mine. I’mdonedealing with your bullshit.”
“Oh Jesus, not this again. You’re so fucking sensitive, another reason I can’t stand being home. Look—”
“No,youlook! Finish packing and do whatever you need to do, then I want you out of here—for good. When you get back from Chicago, you live somewhere else—with your parents, friends, on the curb, I don’t care. I deserve better, and so does my daughter. She’s unclear on what a real man actually is after seeing such a poor excuse for one the first five years of her life. Let me know when I can expect money for Bella’s tuition since you’re finally working again.” The ‘finally working again’ was a low blow, but I didn’t care.
I stormed into Bella’s bedroom and slammed the door. I was a little shaky over what just happened and pissed at myself for not standing up for myself a long time ago. I lay down on her bed and covered my eyes with my hands.
After our blowout, Marc didn’t say anything else or even try to talk to me. We had been over for a long time, but neither of us had the guts to admit it.
