Jack lumbered out the door and I picked up my cell to call my father.
“Hey, Pop. How are you feeling? Listen I have a question for you. Is mom’s engagement ring still in the safety deposit box?”
Twenty-Three
Paige
Hospice.The doctors could bullshit us all they wanted, tell us this was a good thing; how Jack would get the best care at home and would be kept as comfortable as possible. But we all knew what the word meant. This was the home stretch. There was nothing after Hospice.
Jack’s bedroom turned into to a fully functional hospital room with a home care bed and nursing around the clock. Thankfully, my godson was only a few months old and wouldn’t remember any of this. Seeing Jack unable to get out of bed, or even keep his eyes open for long, killed me. I dreaded coming every day, but there was no way I could not go. I spent a few hours with him and gave Ellie a little break. I worried constantly about her, too. She seemed so stoic, almost like a machine. Once she actually let herself feel, I was terrified it would break her.
Every day I said my good-byes, got in my car, and wondered if that was the last time I’d see my cousin alive.
The fact I was bone tired and full of aches and pains each morning didn’t help. There were no conclusive results in all those blood tests I’d taken before the holidays other than a high level of inflammation. Dr. Ramirez asked about any stressors in my life that I could avoid that might be causing my symptoms.
I’d love to not have someone close to me die a little each day before my eyes, but unfortunately that wasn’t an option. Plus, I knew it was more than just simply stress. Stress alone didn’t make a fever spike to over one hundred degrees a few nights each week. So she took more blood, sent it for more testing and now I was waiting with no answers, again.
“You got skinny, cuz. You’re not doing that stupid cleanse again are you?”
Jack’s raspy voice was full of sleep. I rested on the futon next to his hospital bed and watched TV as Jack drifted in and out of slumber.
“No.” I laughed at the irony. “I didn’t need the gym, or weird cleanses. I just needed to get pneumonia. Best diet ever.” I gave Jack a sarcastic thumbs up. He shook his head as he pulled himself up. I jumped up from where I lay down to adjust the pillows behind his back.
“I don’t like that you’ve been sick for this long. I know Evan is worried as all hell. Promise me you’ll see another doctor.” I chuckled at Jack’s wrinkled brow.
“Don’t worry about me; I’m fine. You just get . . .”Better? Was that what I was about to say? Even after watching the harsh reality become more real by the minute, my toes still liked to wade in denial.
“Evan likes to baby me. You should see him get all worked up every time I even clear my throat.” Jack lay back on the pillows, still glowering at me. “It’s pretty adorable, but we’ll figure it out. I went for more blood tests and should know something soon. I wouldn’t worry about it.”
“Of course I worry about you. I’ve worried about you ever since I can remember. It’s a fucking full time job since you’re always in trouble.” Jack raised his eyebrows at me and I rolled my eyes.
“Stop being dramatic.” I sat back down and leaned my elbows on the edge of his bed and to rest my head on my hands; I narrowed my eyes.
“You werealwaysin some kind of trouble. Even when we were little.” Jack laughed. “Remember that one Christmas Eve, we were maybe seven, you snuck into the living room and opened two presents after Aunt Tess told you not to. Then she wouldn’t let you open presents at all until almost the end of the night.”
“You used to open them, too! I was just unlucky enough to get caught.” Jack cracked up at me to the point of almost choking. I stood and patted his back until the coughing subsided. He was still laughing when I adjusted the nasal cannula that provided him oxygen.
“It’s all in the execution, Paige. I did it when my parents were sleeping—with my Cub Scout knife, and slid the packages back in. You tore everything apart, then said you had no idea how that happened. That maybe—” Jack clutched his chest and started laughing again, “Maybe Santa just forgot to wrap those. You shamed blonde girls all over the world that Christmas.”
“I thought you were so mad at me that year. They wouldn’t let you open your presents until the end of the night, too.”
“I wasn’t mad. I was allowed but I told my dad I didn’t want to open them until you could. I didn’t want to make you feel even worse.” Jack bit his lip as he looked at me. I sucked in my cheeks to keep the tears prickling at my eyelids from spilling over. Jack had always done things like that for me. I would never know about every time he’d protected me or looked out for me. All I knew now, is that he wouldn’t be around to do it anymore.
“You’re right. What am I going to do without you?” My jaw trembled as I squeezed Jack’s hand.
He offered a feeble attempt to press back. “You’ll be fine. You’re smarter and tougher than we all gave you credit for.” Jack looked up at the TV. “What are we watching?”
I mostly read or just stared into space in Jack’s room, I didn’t really notice what was on TV.
“My Girl. The movie with Macaulay Culkin when he was high from hisHome Alonefame. We saw this before when we were little.”
“Where he dies, and she’s screaming in the funeral home to put on his glasses? Why the hell are we watching this? Things aren’t upbeat enough around here? Give me the damn remote.” Jack huffed at me as he snatched it from the edge of his bed. “Ah,Copsrerun.Perfect. Didn’t you date that guy in the handcuffs?”
I laughed as I dashed at my eyes so that Jack wouldn’t see.
“So where do you think things will end up with you and Evan?” Jack held his gaze at the TV as he continued flipping channels.
“Evan is . . . he’s amazing, Jack. Just, everything about him. How he’s still so sweet after what he’s been through, the way he takes care of his father, even though he doesn’t deserve it. I like watching him light up when I walk into a room. I don’t think I’ve ever made anyone do that.”
