FOR THE FIRSTcouple of weeks, I was too busy to worry about fitting in. I was sure I’d forgotten the basics I’d first learned all those years ago, but I worked my ass off to remember. It was exhausting but fucking fabulous. The prospect of learning skills to earn a living—not holding a job—excited me. Orjobs,as the case used to be. The memories of my old life, although it wasn’t so old yet, exhausted me.
Thursdays were my evenings off from my paid internship at McQuaid’s, a local restaurant affiliated with Champlain. I met quite a few culinary students there, working their way through school or doing an internship like I was. The salary wasn’t much, but I’d managed to qualify for free housing and was able to hoard every cent. I loved being a part of something,workingtoward something besides keeping my head above water. I missed Victoria like crazy and spoke with her every day, but I drifted off each night to an untroubled and satisfied sleep.
My phone vibrated in my pocket after I shut the door to my dorm room after a full, but great day of classes. I didn’t recognize the email address popping up on the screen and was about to let it go to voice mail when I realized it was a FaceTime call. I pressed the button, a huge grin stretching my lips when Victoria’s adorable face filled the screen.
“Hey, baby!” I crossed my legs under me and held the phone at eye level. “What number are you calling from?”
“Mine!” She gave me a big smile. “Dad and Bri got me an iPad so that I could text you and FaceTime you whenever I want!”
“That’s great—” My stomach dropped from my delayed reaction.Dad?When I left her a few weeks ago, she still called her father Josh. Why did hearing her call him “Dad” unnerve me so damn much? That’s what he was to her, right? Plus, for all intents and purposes, he was her main parent now. I should’ve been happy and relieved she was acclimating to her new normal so well. And I was, but the rotten, sour feeling—an emotionally bitter aftertaste—was hard to shake off.
My daughter’s smile evaporated. I was ashamed whenever thoughts of how I’d behaved where Josh and Brianna were concerned fluttered through my mind. Whenever Victoria would try to talk to me about them, I’d shut her down, drilling it into her they would only be around temporarily. I thought it was the truth at first, but when I realized it was the opposite, full-on panic set in. She’d suffered enough for my insecurities, and so did they.
“It’s good that you call him Dad. I’m sure he really likes that.”
Her lips curved back up as she nodded. “I asked him at his birthday party, right before he asked Bri to marry him. She said I could be her flower girl!”
I had to suck in my cheeks to keep my mouth from falling open. Of course they were getting married. They practically were already. Victoria had the perfect family now, married parents and all. I inhaled a quick breath as my nose burned. I’d struggled all those years to keep her fed and clothed, managing to somehow afford dancing classes as a treat. She had the perfect life now—a huge room, an iPad of her own, and two parents. She had it all, only she had it without me.
Victoria frowned as she tilted her head at the screen. “Are you okay, Mommy?”
“Of course!” I held in a laugh when her head jerked back in surprise at my boisterous reply. “This is all great. I just really miss you, that’s all. But Thanksgiving will be here before you know it, right? And now, we can talk all the time.” My voice squeaked as I laid it on as thick as I could without bursting a blood vessel. Perky was never one of my personality traits, even before Victoria. I didn’t blame her for studying me with a confused gaze.
“You’re sure, Mommy?” Her mouth twisted in a frown. The sorrow and guilt mashing together at once were about to suffocate me.
“Absolutely. You’re going to be the prettiest flower girl in history. I can’t wait to see pictures. When are they getting married?”
“Dad said soon. Bri is taking me to buy a dress tomorrow.”
My gut twisted as I tried to think of a time I took my daughter to pick out a dress that wasn’t on sale. I skipped lunch the weeks before buying her dance recital costumes to make sure I could afford it.
“I can show you tomorrow night!” Victoria broke the long silence.
A sad smile lifted my cheeks as I shook my head. “I have to work tomorrow night. I’ll be home past your bedtime. Show me Saturday morning. Deal?”
“Deal! How’s school? Is your roommate still nice?”
“Lisa is very nice. School is fun.” I laughed at her disgusted scowl.
“How could school be fun?”
“When you get older, you’ll understand.”
Her head twisted toward something behind her. Josh’s deep laugh mixed with Victoria’s whispers.
“Couldn’t wait, huh, Sweets? Hi, Sara!” He waved a tattooed hand at me, and I couldn’t help but laugh at his goofy grin.
“Hey, Josh. Congratulations.”
His smile widened as he settled next to Victoria. “Thanks. Not exactly sudden, but it’s time. Can you come back for a weekend next month? You’re more than welcome to come.”
Again, they were always too nice to me. If only once they’d told me to fuck off, my conscience would have been more at ease.
“Thanks for the offer, but I work every weekend through Thanksgiving. I’ll look forward to the pictures.” My eyes met Victoria’s. She bounced next to her father, and as I looked between them, an unexpected warmth flooded my chest. Our struggles were just as taxing on her, even though she never made a peep about it. We were both happy in our new lives, and I hoped my time at school would eventually lead us to a place where we could enjoy all the things we’d missed together.
“Are you done with your homework?” I glanced at my watch. “It’s almost bedtime.” My heart squeezed at the familiar jut of my daughter’s bottom lip whenever I mentioned bedtime. “We’ll talk tomorrow, and every day after that. Okay?” I was soothing both of us. I didn’t want her to hang up either.
“Okay, goodnight, Mommy. I love you.”
