He exhaled a long breath as he rubbed the heels of his palms along his thighs.
“The doctor’s office called this afternoon.” His eyes narrowed, anger seeping through his gaze.
I froze, panicking at what he may know, although what he said still wasn’t anywhere close to coherent.
“They said to call them about treatment options and the number for counseling.Jesus Christ, Brianna!Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you just walk out? Do you really think I’d let you go through this alone?”
“Josh, wait.” I cradled his quivering jaw as my insides gutted from the consequences of my actions today. My split-second decision to cut Josh off created a snowball of misunderstanding that led to the devastated man before me. I had enough shame filtering through my system to finally give it to him straight.
“I don’t have cancer. I’m not sick. Babe, I’m so sorry you spent the last however many hours thinking that. I’m sorry for running today, too. It was a gut reaction I can’t explain, but I didn’t mean a single thing I said.”
Relief ghosted across Josh’s face, but his glare didn’t waver. “I know that. Gut reaction to what?”
“I can’t have children,” I blurted out.
His mouth opened to reply, but he couldn’t form any words.
“You can’t have . . . how do you know—”
“I asked my doctor to switch my birth control since I thought what I was taking was screwing with my system. I was hot all the time and my period has been all over the place. They ordered some tests before giving me the new prescription and found that I had premature ovarian failure. It’s untreatable.”
His eyes dropped to the carpet before lifting back to mine. “Is anything really untreatable? Lou’s wife had triplets after they saw a fertility doctor. We can go look into options when we’re read—”
I cut him off with the shake of my head. “Even if we found the money for treatments, it would have to be from an egg donor. I’ll never have a biological child of my own . . .” My voice cracked before I trailed off. “The treatments they were talking about were to ease the symptoms, and the number for counseling is to learn how to accept it.” I gazed at the ceiling, trying to halt the stream of tears that flowed most of the day. “You deserve better than this.”
Josh’s brows pulled together as he leaned closer. “Now you’re back to not making sense. I deserve better than what?”
“Me. Maybe it’s good that we were apart all those years and you found Sara. If you got stuck with me back then maybe you wouldn’t—”
And that was the most painful part of it all. I’d asked the doctor how long I’d had this condition, if I always had it or did it only start when the symptoms did. She told me there was no way to know, but what if nine years ago I was still fine, and Josh asked to see me instead of going home with Sara? Victoria could be ours, and that “what if” cut through me like a knife.
“Stuckwith you?” He cupped his forehead and rubbed his temples. “Brianna, please stop this.”
I still went on. Maybe he’d see after this sank in for a few hours and realize all he was giving up.
“You’re a great dad. And I know how you hate missing so much of Victoria’s life. I can’t give you that. I can’t give you a baby. If you’re with me, you’ll have to settle—”
“Wait just a fucking minute, Cupcake.” I almost laughed at him calling me Cupcake through gritted teeth. “Being with you isnotsettling. It’s being the luckiest bastard in the world. There is not one single second that I’m anything but grateful I’m with you. What you told me just now changes not one damn thing. And you should know that.”
I raked my hands through my hair. “You shouldn’t have to pick me over something you really want—”
“Youare what I really want! Really, Bri? We have to go over this?”
He rose from his seat on the couch and knelt before me.
“Do you remember that poem book you loved so much when we were little? It was by that guy, Finklestein?”
“Shel Silverstein,” I whispered as I almost let my lips curve into a smile. “Where the Sidewalk Ends.”
“Right.” He shrugged. “You used to make me read thatBoa Constrictorpoem over and over again. I think I read it a hundred times one day. You loved my cool sound effects.” He dipped his head and pressed a kiss to my knee. “But I didn’t care. Hearing you laugh so hard every time was worth it. In fact, making you laugh was the most important part of my day. You had the best smile, even when it was missing your front teeth.”
He tapped my chin and a laugh bubbled out through my tears. “You were a beautiful angel.Myangel. I loved you then. I love you now. I loved you all the years in between.” He slid his arm under my legs and lifted me off the couch and onto his lap. “If we want kids, we’ll go about it a different way. I needyou, before anything or anyone.”
My hands drifted up his shoulders and met at the back of his neck. “That’s not all of it. Victoria . . .” And here came the waterworks again. “I’m afraid.”
His head jerked back as his brows pinched. “Afraid of what?”
“I’m afraid I’ll resent her. That I’ll look at her and all I’ll see is my stolen dream. And if I do, she’ll feel that and I don’t want . . .”
