“Sure,” I whispered as I ran a finger down her reddened cheek before I pulled away. “See you in a half hour.”
Josh
“SO, LET MEget this straight.” Reid put his hands on the bar after our third round. It took five minutes to tell the entire story but two more beers to be able to acknowledge it. “You came back to New York, met Sara and slept with her, and flew back to the base the next day. No exchange of numbers, so you never spoke again.”
“Right,” I answered before downing the rest of my tepid beer. I slammed down the mug and crooked my finger at the bartender for another round. I kept expecting the shock to wear off, but all the alcohol was doing was agitating me even more.
“And you think that Victoria isyourdaughter?” Reid said the words slowly. I wasn’t sure if he was attempting to process it all or was feeling as buzzed as I was.
“No.” I nodded a thank you as a fresh mug of beer was placed in front of me. “I know. She has my fucking eyes. No one has my eyes. Not even anyone in my family. Well, at least the ones that I know and remember.” Memories of my mother were fuzzier with each passing year. The one photo I had didn’t show her eye color. Now, I had to deal with knowing I abandoned my own kid. I didn’t know about her, but that didn’t change the fact that I was absent her entire life. The events of the day brought out years’ worth of resentment that I thought I’d buried a long time ago.
“All right, I’m not supposed to be telling you any of this. What I’m about to say is off the record, got it?” Reid’s eyebrows shot up.
I nodded before taking a long gulp. Maybe by round five, I’d calm down a bit.
“Sara isn’t a bad parent, but she’s struggling. No grandparents in the picture to pick her daughter up from school, no one at school functions but her, when she could get off work. Victoria is a sweet kid. We published her poem in the school newspaper and her face lit up. Like she couldn’t believe it happened.” Reid exhaled in a rush as he shook his head. “She was so happy, it broke her English teacher’s heart, along with mine. That was why we tried so hard to get her into that writer’s program.”
Poem. Writer.The words reminded me of another sweet little girl I knew. What would this do to her? Tous? I downed the rest of my beer and raked my hands through my hair.
My insides twisted as other memories came flooding back. My father tried in his own way, but he gave me barely enough to live on. I never had a parent that took real joy in me or anything I did. I had Uncle Billy, but he didn’t live with us. If I’d spoken up, he would have taken me in without a second thought. I often wondered how different my life would have been.
“But, I don’t know, Reid. I can’t just barge into her apartment and demand to be a part of her life. And Sara showed today she’s not interested in having anything to do with me. What the fuck do I do?” My heavy head fell into my hands. “I don’t know how to be a father. I barely just got my own shit together.”
What if I ignored what I’d seen today? Pretend I never crossed paths with Sara or her daughter, move on with my life the way I’d planned to this morning. I could, if it wasn’t impossible. My hand dragged down my face as I let out a long sigh. There was no way I could walk away now that I knew or before I found out for sure. I had no idea how to be a parent, but if I was one, I wouldn’t let my kid grow up like me, thinking she didn’t matter enough for me to stick around.
“If this turns out to be true, and you are Victoria’s biological father, what you do with that is up to you. But if any little girl needed a dad . . .” Reid dropped his hand to my shoulder. “It’s that one.”
Google was an amazing thing. Once you had a last name, in a couple of clicks you had an address. I stood in the lobby of Sara’s building in search of some answers. I couldn’t get a handle on all the emotions coursing through my veins. Shock was still a pretty big one. Anger was mixed up in there, too, even though we purposely didn’t trade last names or information, but she fiddled with my dog tags long enough that night to be able to read Falco on them.
I searched the directory for Caldwell and my shaky finger stabbed the buzzer. I needed to get a hold of myself, but it felt like I stepped into the Twilight Zone ever since I traipsed into Reid’s office, totally fucking unaware one night almost nine years ago—a night that I had completely forgotten about—would change the entire course of my life. There was always the possibility I was wrong, but I wasn’t. The certainty I had that Victoria was mine was bone deep, and it scared the living shit out of me.
Did I want kids? Sure, someday. When Brianna and I were ready.Brianna.I shook it off for the time being. Being abandoned by my mother when I was four years old fucked with my head on and off my entire life. It sickened me to think how the first eight years of this Victoria’s life, she grew up thinking her father didn’t care, that she did something to make him leave. He did care. Hedoes.
He just didn’t know she existed.
After rehashing the entire story to Reid, I didn’t have any kind of speech prepared beyond, “Is she mine?” I figured once I received my answer, I’d take it from there.
“Yes?” Sara’s garbled voice echoed through the speaker.
“It’s Josh. Can I come up?” I tried to keep the edge out of my voice. Drinking last night and sleeping it off most of the morning didn’t lessen the tension coursing through my system.
“I don’t want anything from you. Pretend you never saw us,” she whispered into the intercom.
Well, I guessed I had my answer. And she was insane if she thought I was going anywhere.
“I’m not leaving, Sara. I can come up or you can come down here. Your choice.”
The lobby door buzzed, and I pushed it open. I navigated my way to apartment 2F and rang the doorbell.
Sara answered in a T-shirt and sweatpants. She leaned into the doorjamb, the door only opened halfway. Her chest rose as she took in a long breath, the agitation I’d seen earlier now replaced with sheer exhaustion.
“So, I’m . . . I’m right?” I stuttered out. It was one thing to have a strong feeling, but sitting on the cusp of finding out for sure made my chest constrict.
She answered with a slow nod. “You’re right. She’s yours.” She wrapped her arm around her torso and raked her other hand down her face. “Look, I meant what I said. I don’t want you to feel obligated or whatever—”
“Orwhatever?” My tone came out louder than I wanted it to. “Sara,” I breathed out in an odd sounding plea. So much for figuring things out once I knew for sure. Yesterday, I was a lonely dude missing his girlfriend and meeting his friend for a beer. Now, I was someone’s father. My life got flipped off its axis and I was figuring this shit out as I went.
“Why didn’t you find me?”
