“Yes, and all the other toys you laid out. You’re sleeping over at Grandma and Grandpa’s for a weekend, not moving in.”
“I know that,” Jack scoffed while rolling his eyes. “Itistwo whole days, Mommy. Look, there’s Nick!”
So much for heading to my in-laws right after school without incident. Since our run-in at Taylor’s Flooring last week, all non-Scout communication stopped. No flirty texting, no secret glances during Tuesday’s meeting. He cut me off, and although I knew why it still stung like hell.
“Hey, guys! Ready to start the weekend?” Nick made his way over to our car and addressed us no differently than he would any of the other moms and Scouts—pleasant, but formal.
I hated it.
But hey, wasn’t this what I wanted? For Nick to move on, spend his time and attention on one of the more amiable single mothers at school? He could text them on night shifts and call them “sweetheart.” I raged at the idea of Nick saying sweetheart and meaning anyone else besides me. But he wasn’t mine. I pushed him away. I had no right to lay a claim on Nick if I wouldn’t let him make one on me.
“Yep! Staying at Grandma and Grandpa’s until Sunday! Hopefully, my mom remembered to pack everything.” My wiseass son had the nerve to narrow his eyes at me.
Nick chuckled and looked my way. “I’m sure she didn’t forget anything. I’m supposed to pick up David today, so I better head back. Have a great time, Jack. See you Tuesday!”
Jack smiled at Nick before I shut the car door.
Our eyes met for a moment, but Nick looked away.
“See you, Ellie.”Ellie.Not Ella-Jane, not sweetheart, not even freckles.
He turned to go, and I grabbed his arm.
“It doesn’t have to be like this,” I whispered. “Why can’t we be friends?”
Nick let out a sad laugh as he shook his head. “Because we aren’t friends. We never were, not even at Evan’s wedding all those years ago. Maybe you could pretend. But I can’t.” Nick shrugged and stuffed his hands into his pockets. “We could torture ourselves some more. Deny the kisses we seem to always fall into. Each time I think I’m getting through, and I start wanting you more, you run.”
My eyes stung with unshed tears. I wanted him, too. But it wasn’t that easy. I had my reasons for pushing him away, reasons that I didn’t remember at that moment. What did I expect? Nick to wait around forever? He’d reached his limit, and my heart shattered at the realization.
“You don’t get it!” My voice screeched before it cracked. “It’s comp—”
“Complicated. Yes, I get that loud and clear. You need time to figure things out, and I’m giving you the space you need to do that. Take care, Ella-Jane.”
Before I could think of a way to respond, he gave me a soft kiss on the cheek and made his way back to the front of the school. I’d been by myself for years, but as Nick walked away, the unbearable loneliness hit me so hard it stifled me.
I had something to look forward to again,someoneto look forward to. And now, I was back to the same mundane life. I’d always been okay with that because I never considered an alternative. Being a chicken shit may’ve cost me something wonderful, and I was so pissed at myself I was ready to spit nails.
I drove away from the school and dropped Jack off with his grandparents. The deafening silence in the car, even with the radio turned all the way up, made me want to jump out of my skin. I needed to get out, go somewhere.
Paige and Kate would give me a lecture on self-sabotage. Although they’d be right, I didn’t want to hear it. I had but one friend who truly knew the hell I was coming from and didn’t judge the stupid things I did. The second I got home, I grabbed my phone and dialed my friend Gina.
“Hey, Ellie. Are you okay?”
I met Gina at the grief counseling support group right after Jack died. Her husband was in a fatal car accident right before their first anniversary. We made fast friends and kept in touch after we stopped going to group. With Gina, I didn’t have to explain any of the things I did that my family considered odd or concerning. Grieving widows didn’t need judgment; they needed understanding and patience. Sometimes, no one other than Gina had either for me.
“Not really. I met someone . . .”
“So, why do you sound so sad?”
“I think I pushed him away. It’s a long story. Jack is at his grandparents’ for the weekend. Are you by any chance free for a drink tonight?”
“Sure! Give me a couple of hours, and I’ll meet you at Ruby’s. Sound good?”
“God, yes. See you then.”
We hung up, and I glanced at my watch. Screw it, I was ready now. I’d have a drink at the bar until Gina got there. After years of preferring to be alone, at that moment it was driving me bat shit crazy.
Ruby’s was always so damn crowded. I weaved my way through the crowd and found a bar stool. It was our go-to place, but it was also across the street from Nick’s firehouse. The realization made my stomach knot. I’d done nothing but run away from him for the past few months, but now I peered through the window in hopes of getting a glimpse. Huffing at my stupid self, I called the bartender over for some alcoholic comfort.
