“What are you…?” There’s a hesitation as her eyes scan my face, and what she sees there—the sincerity and the fact that I’m dead fucking serious—has her eyes widening. “No. No. We can’t.”
“We can, Hallie I?—”
“Ican’t. And you can’t throw around ideals and promise me forever, because forever doesn’t exist. It’s all a myth, and I know…Iknowif I believed in a forever with you and it fell apart, I could never come back from that,” she says, tears brimming.
“Hallie,” I start, shifting closer and squeezing her hand. “I know you’re worried about Wren, but I promise, she’d be thrilled, she—” She stands then, shaking her head, and I see what I didn’t before: the utter panic written across her face as she lifts her hands in the air.
“No, you don’t get it. You don’tgetit, Jesse. You’re amazing, and that night was the best of my life. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it, trust me.” A prideful smile tips at my lips, and despite her emotional turmoil, she rolls her eyes. “But I can’t let a single moment of good make me lose everything.”
“How would you and I, trying to make a go of things, ruin everything?” I’m using the soft voice I use with Emma when I’m trying to reel her in and speak rationally and calmly and with kindness. Kid gloves that, in any other situation, Hallie would absolutely hate, but she’s so lost, she doesn’t. Instead, she stops her pacing and looks at me with wide, apologetic eyes that cut me to my core.
“Because if something goes badly, I lose it all.” Her voice cracks, and I open my mouth to speak, but she continues before I can, almost frantically. “That’s how it works, Jesse! Every time someone gets the opportunity to leave me, they do. It’s happened with friends and boyfriends. It happened with my mom and my dad. The only people I have left are Colton and your family.” Pain, sharp and hot, slices through me, bringingunderstanding on its heels, but she keeps going, resolution on her face as she shakes her head.
“You have all of this, and you always will. That’s a guarantee. Your family will always be there and love you no matter what. You could fuck it up to hell and back, and they’d still be there. In a way, I have them too—your family as mine—but I don’t have the same guarantee. One bad move and it’s gone. If we tried and it failed, you’d get them.”
Suddenly, it clicks into place with a heartwrenching understanding. This is the missing piece, what my dad either wouldn’t share or couldn’t fully grasp, laid out before me: how deep Hallie’s hurt and fear go.
She continues, oblivious to my revelation.
“They would be nice about it, of course, and pretend it was fine. I’d still be invited to family dinner, and I’d be involved, but I couldn’t put them through that awkwardness of trying to appease both of us. It wouldn’t be fair. I’d stay away, then fade away, and then it would be gone. I’d rather have Wren and your family and Emma and you from a safe distance than try this, fuck it up, and lose it all. That might be a risk you’re willing to take, but I’m not.”
It’s the most honest reaction I’ve seen from carefully constructed Hallie, the one who puts up her tough, fun-loving, easy-going front. A front she’s erected as a defense mechanism, a safety net to keep people in her life for fear they’ll run from the mess of emotions she harbors beneath.
I’ve never seen her more beautiful.
But with the look and her confession comes a sharp understanding.
It’s not just Hallie being stubborn or worried.
This is Hallie, absolutelyterrified.
It’s not about giving Wren hope that Hallie doesn’t want to get her hung up on.
It’s not about my not dating.
It’s not even about messing with Emma’s head, I don’t think.
It’s about losing the safe space that my family has given her over the years.
I was wrong all those weeks ago in thinking she couldn’t be or wouldn’t want to be tied down with a premade family. The truth is that Hallie plays flighty and fun and no-strings attached because she’s terrified of hoping for stability. For family. For love.
She’s never had anyone in her life show her unconditional love, other than her brother and my family. Love has always come with those conditions, starting with her mother’s leaving. Coming to the realization and understanding that I would do anything to stop her from feeling that panic, but knowing I can’t fix it—at least, not right away—is nearly suffocating.
Forcing her hand will only push her further away, so instead, I’m going to play reverse psychology on my sweet girl.
“Okay,” I say, and she stops pacing, her brow furrowing. I force myself not to smile.
“Okay?”
“Okay. I get where you’re coming from. Now sit so we can finish our movie.”
“I don’t know if it’s?—“
“Jeeze, Hal,” I say, reaching up, wrapping my fingers around her wrist, and tugging until she’s stumbling to the couch, sitting next to me. As much as I want to pull her into my lap and hold her there until I get my fill, I sit her next to me, then turn to face her. I don’t resist the urge to reach up, though, to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear, to reveal the row of glittering earrings and her pretty green eyes I could drown in.
“I get it now. I get where you’re coming from.” I don’t tell her that I don’t really care where she’s coming from, that I’m going to continue to push for what I know we both want, what we bothneed, but I’m going to do it with care. “Stop avoiding me, Hallie,” I whisper, and to my own ears, it sounds like a plea.
It is one, really.
