There is no forgiveness left in me for my parents, or love for that matter. Jay and Arianna take all of it, and they deserve it.
This morning in bed, I couldn’t let him go. I kept him in my arms and kissed him until we were forced to get ready. I wanted to slow the day, even if facing whatever was outside this house means moving forward, and if we’re lucky, defeating the monsters that are still ruling our lives. Arianna was more clingy than usual, crying every time I took her away from Jay so he could get changed and play with his breakfast like I did.
I close my eyes and lean against the wall at my back, the bench uncomfortable, and the noises around us making my anxiety rise to the highest level. I breathe to slow my heart so I don’t have a heart attack, or kill my parents in a rage spree. I inhale Arianna’s talc-like smell that in some ways gives me courage and support, and puts into perspective what’s really important—and glancing at my parents was not.
The lawyer gave us a checklist I had to compile, two pages long, that included things like pictures of Arianna’s cot, nursery corner, bottle steriliser, GP records, feeding time, evidence of income, and so much more.. We managed it in three days, and then we were lucky enough to get the hearing appointment a week later.
After the hearing, what I feared the most was the call from the CAFCASS. I don’t even know what those letters stand for, but what I do know is that they were the ones assessing whether Arianna was cared for in every aspect of her life.
The call came at nine a.m. on the dot, frying my nerves to the point I was shaking. The lady, Ruth, must have been eager to check on us, but at least her tone wasn’t judgmental. She only asked about Arianna and her schedule, my work schedule, andmaybe I lied by omission by not telling them about Jay, but calling him a great support.
Everything else I was honest about, and told her she was sick only once since she’s been with us, but the fever was gone before having to call the doctor. Another thing I told her was that Arianna has changed my life, and that I love her with all my heart. The call ended on a good note after that.
There was so much more they needed, like a letter of support, and I’ve never been grateful enough for Kai’s letter, telling them how calm, attentive, and in love I am with my daughter.
If we survive this, I’m filing the papers to make her officially my daughter, even if in my heart she already is.
When we received the email from the CAFCASS with the most important document of all, confirming no police or social services involvement, no indication of risk, and that the child is well cared for.
We danced that day, making Arianna giggle, and we all slept in the same room, still afraid something was going to take our happiness away.
I had to write a statement, a witness statement, explaining how long I’d known Arianna, and why I was named her guardian. This part broke my heart, because my parents weren’t even able to respect a choice their daughter had made before dying. Again routine, and how Arianna responded to me. When I reached the part about the grandparents, I wanted to lash out, butmy lawyer’s words—no anger, stay child-focused—stopped me. What I wrote instead was that I’m sorry they’re grieving, but Arianna is safe and loved in my home. I sent it quickly, after having Jay read it, before I had the thought to rewrite it.
In the whirlwind days before the hearing, while we were preparing for battle, we didn’t have time to think or to really realise what was happening to the both of us. I was focusing on Arianna and my parents, while Jay was focusing on planning the undercover sting with Shine and Kai, even if Kai was more of a nuisance. Not my words, Shine’s. I like that man, not only because we agree on Kai, but also because he promised to keep Jay safe. I don’t usually trust, but I trust Shine. Probably because he didn’t blink when I told him I’d kill him if something were to happen to Jay.
They weren’t just empty words, and I’m glad we understood each other.
Last night I held Jay in my arms; sleeping together during the last week had become a routine. We couldn’t stay away from each other or from Arianna. The idea of losing them makes me appreciate even more the love we share.
The words I whispered to him over and over again are still fresh in my mind and imprinted on my heart.
I’m not losing you. Not now. Not ever. And I’m not losing our princess.
We didn’t cry, but the tears will come later if we lose her, or if I lose them. Instead, we stayed pressed against each other, watching Arianna sleep, unaware of the danger that threatened our family.
I kissed Jay deeply before I left. Not staking a claim, because Jay’s already mine as I am his, but to give and take comfort and to give and take strength.
I didn’t own a suit, so I had to go and buy one, but Jay’s aroused face at seeing me wearing one is something I want to revisit. Maybe tonight, if we get to celebrate, after Arianna goes to bed.
Now, here we are, sitting outside the door waiting to be called in. I look at the faded posters, and the smell of disinfectant reminds me of my studio. We’re in Hearing Room three.
To stop the trembling of my hands, I press them together in my lap, and avoid, by pushing my leg down, the urge to jump up and scream at my parents who are furiously whispering a few doors away from us. Seven days since they filed the request to take Arianna away. Seven days we’ve lived in hell.
Arianna complains in her pram, and I rock it backward and forward. Bless her, she’s disrupted, and nothing but staying with Jay would make her happy.
“Baby girl, we need to go,” I say to Arianna.
Her cries fill the room and make my ears ache.
“Give her to me,” Jay says from the door. “You go and get changed.”
When he’s close I give him space to care for Arianna, but I don’t move too far, because like my daughter, I don’t want to stay away from him.
I wish everything would stop for a second and let me take a breath, but things keep spinning around and I can’t stop them.
“Babe?”
I love when he calls me that. It’s not only the endearment but the inflection his voice takes when he does, like I’m precious to him.
