It’s been three years and this is the first time I’m opening up. When the memories try to resurface, I usually push them down and try not to think about it.
Another tissue appears in my hand and I use it to clean my face, and I raise my head to tell Haden without words how grateful I am.
He leans in and takes my lips in a long gentle kiss, that doesn’t have anything sexual in it, just a lot of comfort. It has everything I need right now.
“We had a good time, and we were still buzzing from the excitement—at least I was. Will, who couldn’t drink, didn’t find our drunken sense of humour very funny. We couldn’t find a taxi because of the rain, and we decided to walk home as it was only a mile away, and in my drunken state it didn’t sound like very far. Will wanted to wait, but I thought walking would do me some good, and help me to walk off some of the alcohol.”
How could I have been so selfish?
I must have done something because Haden’s arm pulls me closer still, and I use the strength his touch and support gives me, to continue. “I didn’t see it coming. Will was laughing at something stupid I was doing, and a second later he was gone from in front of my eyes.” I burst into tears, the pain inside my chest rushing out like a flooding torrent that I can no longer contain. I collapse under the weight of the sin I carry and that I’m unable to outrun. “It’s all my fault.” I repeat those words like a litany. Painful memories, regret and guilt that have grown claws and now in this moment of truth, in this moment of sharing are tearing me apart.
“I’m so sorry, Angel.” Haden must have understood what happened next, but now I need to tell him everything. I need him to know, and maybe deep down my desire is for him to see me like I see myself… see me for the unworthy trash I think I am.
Now that I’ve started, I can’t stop. The need to bring out everything buried inside me is too huge to be stopped. “The sounds of the metal against flesh, and the thud when his body hit the road. I’ll never forget it. The car didn’t even stop, and once the silence fell on us, I could hear the sound of the rain. Then my voice calling Will, and me rushing to his side, the blood… so much blood. Looking for my phone, calling the ambulance, all the while I was praying for Will to be okay, but I knew he was gone.”
“Oh, Angel. I’m so sorry.”
I pull away so I can look Haden in the eyes, because he needs to understand that it was all my fault. “Don’t you see? It was my fault.”
“No, Angel. It wasn’t. You couldn’t have known. No one could have known that was going to happen.”
These are the same words everyone kept repeating. I couldn’t believe them, but with Haden those words make sense. Maybe because he’s a stranger… or maybe because he always tells the truth even when it’s painful.
“I can’t fail Jeremy. I can’t let it happen again. I can’t lose him too.”
“You’re not going to lose him. We’re going to find a way to keep him and you safe.”
“Thank you,” I say, leaning in to grab more of the strength he so freely gives.
Haden rocks me like I’m a baby, and I’m close to falling asleep, but the doubt is still there and starting to eat at me again.
“Is it my fault?”
“No, Angel. It’s not your fault. It was an accident.”
More tears fall, but I’m so tired.
“You should talk to someone. You shouldn’t face all this alone.”
Inside Haden’s arms I consider the possibility that it wasn’t my fault, and while there’s a small light at the end of the tunnel, I still believe that if I’d made other choices, Will would be still alive. Maybe talking to someone is not a bad idea, but Jeremy comes first.
“Sleep now.” The kiss he lays on my head stops all those thoughts, and I allow myself to fall asleep knowing Haden will take care of me… and Jeremy.
CHAPTER 19
Haden
I’m in shock. I never realised how much pain and guilt Jay was hiding inside, and how devastating what he went through was.
I was ready to apologise for my grumpy arsehole behaviour after my dad visited, and instead I found him in an unusual mood. At first I thought it was payback for my shitty behaviour, then that maybe something had happened to Jeremy, but in the end was neither. It was something life-changing.
How alone and scared he must have been, believing he was at fault and unable to accept that he wasn’t.
Seeing someone you love die in front of your eyes must be traumatic and heartbreaking. The ambulance, the chaos, when the only thing you want is for that person to still be alive. Facing everyone feeling as if he’d killed his brother must have destroyed Jay.
I want to keep him in my arms forever and protect him from everyone and everything… even from himself.
My beautiful angel.I land a kiss on his hair, putting all my love and strength into it.
