I raise my head and Haden is there, resting his shoulder on the frame and looking at me with worried eyes.
“I can’t concentrate.”
In a couple of strides he’s sitting next to me. “Talk to me.”
I look everywhere but him, unable to now that the time has come to express my thoughts.
“Is it Jeremy?”
“Yes.” But nothing else comes out.
“Is he in danger?”
“Always.”
“Is there anything I can do?”
Now that the moment is here, I can’t find the courage to ask for what I need.
“Angel, I’m here, and you can take all the time you need.”
I nod, and then I do what Jeremy is doing: I be brave. “I gave Jeremy all the money I had with me today. But it won’t be enough when Dick realises I’m not there anymore. I’m worried he’ll do something to Jeremy, and I’m not there to protect him.” I bite my lips, trying to keep my fears from tumbling out. I want to be strong and brave. “I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want to lose him like I lost my brother, because I froze. Because I wasn’t courageous enough.” My voice breaks under the weight of my guilt, the present one and the old one that still eats me alive.
Then the dam breaks and I’m sobbing, pouring everything out, and the weight becomes so much that I fold in two, trying to contain it inside but unable to.
I’m pulled up, moved around, until I’m sitting on Haden’s lap, and then his arms wrap around me, giving me the support I need to let go and mourn like I never did before. I press my face against his shirt, and his arms close around me a little tighter, and inside this cocoon, I break, grieve, and make peace with the past.
“Yeah, Angel, let it all go. I’m here for you.”
Every caress of Haden’s hand against my back brings me back to him a little more, and brings back part of me that festered under my guilt. I’m not sure how much time passes, but with every new touch I come back to him a little more.
“Come back to me, Angel.”
Once the tears dry I can move, but my body feels a hundred years old.
“Take this,” Haden says, and a tissue appears in front of my eyes.
I take it and clean my eyes, face, and nose. Haden’s shirt is drenched when I pull away a little, because his arm doesn’t bulge.
“Are you feeling better?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Do you want to talk about it?
I open my mouth to reply, but my voice doesn’t come out, my throat feeling like I’ve screamed for hours, so I nod.
“We’re not in a hurry,” he says, while making himself comfortable. “I like having you sit on my lap very much.” His soft tone and smile make the mood lighter.
“This makes me feel special.”
“You are special,” he says and lands a kiss on the top of my head.
I place my head against his chest, and take a few deep breaths to find my balance again.
Haden doesn’t say anything, he just pulls me a bit closer to himself.
I’m not sure why, but his embrace and his quiet understanding are all I need to open up. “My brother and I were always very close, with only three years between us. We bickered and played pranks on each other, but there was always love between us. So much love, and I doted on him. He was the baby of the family, but when it mattered the most I didn’t protect him.” Tears are running down my face, but I don’t make any effort to dry them, my memories coming just like the lights of that car. “It was the day of my birthday, the first time I could drink alcohol as an adult. I asked Will to come with me. He didn’t want to, but I insisted so much he agreed in the end.” I can’t believe I’m telling this to anyone.
