While I order I look at him, and a smile lingers on my lips when he leans towards her and caresses her foot. She has the power to conquer everyone just by being present.
I order a full breakfast, because I want to spoil him and because I missed him, and because this is what we do when we have a good day. I want today to be a good day.
“I don’t want your money,” Jeremy says as soon as I sit down. This is why he was making that face.
“Tough shit,” I say to him, whispering the last word because I’m being a good parent. The ache at knowing I’m not really her parent leaves me with a sour taste in my mouth.It doesn’t matter, I say to myself. I’m here and I’m ready to stay for as long as they need me to. I focus on the conversation. “You’ll take it, because I want you to have it, and because I want you safe.”
Jeremy murmurs something that I don’t catch, because the waitress approaches our table with the breakfast for champions. It cost me a small fortune, and I’m planning on giving the money back to Haden when I get my first salary, but the sight of Jeremy’s face with bulging eyes and salivating mouth… it’s a sight I want to see more of.
“You’re f…” He clears his throat and glances at Arianna, and then continues. “Crazy.”
“I love you too, Jerr.”
His smile is full of love that his words don’t convey.
I don’t ask how he is, I don’t talk about work and even less about Dick, because it’s not important right now. We’ll have time after this feast to discuss moving forward. Even if Haden and I are only temporary, what I have with Jeremy is forever.
“This chocolate’s great,” I say to Jeremy, and he nods after taking a big gulp.
“Hot,” he says, fanning his mouth with his hand.
“It’s called hot chocolate. Stress on thehot.”
“Ha ha.”
“You’ve developed a sense of humour since you became a nanny.”
I love this. I love the banter between us, it feels good to laugh together.
“We need to do this more often.” And just like that the good mood is gone and Jeremy is looking gloomy again.
“Jerr, let’s stop this,” I say, reaching for his hand.
“How can I?”
“Us,” I say, pointing at him and then at myself.
“Is there still an us? Because from where I’m standing, I’m still there but you’re not.”
“Jerr, I promise you. I’m not leaving you.” I stand and walk around the table, and I pull the chair next to him around until it’s close to him and facing my best friend. I sit down, and then take his face between my palms. Fuck everyone. “It’s still me and you against the world. I’m never going to leave you alone.”
Jerr closes his eyes, and some of the tension eases. His shoulders relax and he leans towards me. I do the same until our foreheads are connected. Our way of sayingI love you.
I let go of his face, and fish the envelope from my back pocket, and then I push it into his hands and clap them inside mine. “Take it.” He opens his mouth, but I stop him. “I don’t want to hear it.”
“Jay…”
I shake my head. “I don’t need the money, you do. Please take it.”
“Thank you.”
“No thanks between us. I’ll find a way, Jerr. I’ll find a way to free us.” I take his face in my hands again, and make sure our eyes are locked. “We’ll be free soon, but please let Haden help.”
“Now go away and let me eat,” he says, once we regain our composure.
I go back to my chair, and once I’m seated I reach across the table and take his hand. “Please don’t shut me out.”
He nods and I go back to my food, my heart a little lighter and way more content. The time goes quickly, and when Arianna wakes up, I pick her up.
