“I’m getting used to this,” Haden says with a smile, while taking his place against me. I love how he cradles me even without enveloping me in his arms. His bigger body is so gentle and protective. I like this protective side he has with me and Arianna. Some might call it controlling, but I don’t believe he is. I believe he’s afraid of losing what he cares about, and how can I judgehim for that when we both know how tragic losing someone can be.
Seeing them like this makes me think about the past, about what having a family meant. I place a hand on his leg, afraid of the memories that these thoughts will bring, and not ready to face them yet.
I ran away, too afraid to confront the pain… mine and the one I created with my actions. I never allow myself to think about it, but now that I’m here with them, I can admit that in some way, deep down inside me, I believe I deserve what happened to me.
Only when Haden’s hand lands on mine, stopping the trembling, am I pulled back to the room and to the man who’s looking at me with worried eyes.
“Are you okay?” he asks, while using his other hand to pull me closer, and I tuck my head into his chest, as if by doing that I can share some of the weight I’m shouldering with him.
“Yeah—” My voice breaks when Haden goes rigid. I pull away to look at him, and his eyes are dark pools of hurt.
“I understand if you don’t want to share, but don’t lie to me.”
He doesn’t shout, he doesn’t pull away, he just stays there, firm in his conviction, and I’m the one who stumbles because in this moment more than anything, I trust him.
I open my mouth to say something, but nothing comes out.
“We’re okay, Angel.”
“I trust you.”
He pulls me onto his lap and I go willingly, and while I sniffle into his chest he supervises the little terror.
“When you’re ready, I’m here.”
I hope what he’s saying is true, because now more than ever I want his lap to become my favourite place.
Even though Haden said everything’s okay, I’m not sure why my mind is stuck in the moment I said yeah instead of no. I didn’t mean to lie, I was just trying to spare him the worry… I’m lying again… I wasn’t ready to share, and I chose the easy way… pretended everything is fine, even if it isn’t.
I saw the moment that word slipped out. I felt the change in him and my world tilted beneath me. And when he pushed my headback and I met those eyes, searching inside me, I felt the weight of disappointing someone I cared for.
I glance at them, still in the living room while I’m here in the kitchen, feeling like this physical distance we have now translates to the emotional one I created. I move quietly, hiding myself away, in a way insecure about how to act.
Haden’s silence after asking me not to lie wasn’t cold, but maybe the mood between us felt colder than before.
Did I break that delicate connection between us?
I pick the vegetables and slice them like I’m trying to kill them, until my boiling emotions quiet thanks to the steady rhythm.
“Can I help?” Haden’s voice is full of caution.
I glance up, uncertain, but I want him here.
“Where’s Arianna?” I ask, looking around and finding her playing with her blocks.
We work side by side, and I find myself stealing glances at him, and when I’m not looking the weight of his gaze is like a blanket. We don’t talk, and the silence is only broken by the incoherent babbling of Arianna, and that puts a smile on our faces. By the time dinner is ready the room feels less heavy, at least for me.
We sit at the table, and eating what we made together makes my heart warmer. We both focus on Arianna, the lighter topic in the room.
“Ari, that’s not the way you eat,” Haden says to her, but she just giggles.
“Maybe she prefers wearing it,” I say half-seriously and half-jokingly, and Haden’s eyes move to me with… affection?
When we’re done, Haden picks Arianna up, and while he gets her ready for bed, I clean the kitchen.
I’m putting the terry-cloth under the sink when they enter the room. She looks beautiful in her pink and white onesie. When they’re close she reaches out to grab my hair, and I take a step forward, following her order.
When I’m close enough she rubs her wet mouth against me, as if giving me a goodnight kiss, and I close my eyes feeling like I can breathe again. When Haden passes his arm around my waist to pull us into a three-person embrace, I go willingly.
