Not the time, though. This moment is family time, and I like this time as much as I like Jay.
“You’re a troublemaker, aren’t you?” I say, tickling her tummy and making her giggle.
Jay’s sweet laugh joins her, and those emotions troubling me just moments before settle inside me. He uses his body to gently push me out of the way. I don’t resist but I don’t go far, because I enjoy every touch even if brief, and in a few perfect moves the nappy is done, Arianna is clothed again, and I’m handed the bag with the dirty one.
“Hey,” I say to him, following them towards the kitchen.
He turns around, sticks his tongue out at me, and at my outraged face, he grins and his eyes twinkle with mischief.
This is happiness.
Every day is full of small victories, all made less painful by Jay’s silent presence. He’s always there when I need him, but he gives me the space to try and fail, and then succeed.
He’s always there when I need him, helping me to survive the sleepless nights, the night feeds, and reminding me to change her nappies.
I catch myself watching him when I’m around and touching him every time I can, feeling a protective warmth that scares me a little…a lot. Can I really let someone in? Most of all, can I let myself want something for myself?
Every time my eyes land on Jay and Arianna, everything seems simple. His steady support and his being real make me believe that maybe I can.
I stay behind to clean up while they move to the other room, and once I’m done I join them in the living room. Jay and Arianna are playing on the rug, and the house looks a mess with toys everywhere. But Arianna’s smile is worth the hassle of having these things scattered around.
I pick her up, unable to resist her charming face, and kiss her cheeks repeatedly making her squirm to avoid my bearded lips.When I put her down my eyes catch Jay’s, and without thinking I lean in and land a chaste kiss on his lips.
When I pull back I’m met with a stunned face but sparkling eyes. Before I can stand up, he pulls me back in for another long one.
When he’s done I don’t wanna leave. I want to pull him up and move us to the bed.
“See you later,” he says, letting me go and then winking at me.
“You tease.”
“I’ll give you more later.”
“You better.”
“If you behave…” His tone is timid, as if he’s afraid of angering me.
My laugh fills the room this time, and while Arianna squeals in joy, Jay looks at me as if I grew another head. I wink at him, and his smile brightens the room.
He’s my shining angel.
“I’ll see you later, Angel.”
I open the door with caution, as I don’t want to be discovered with the bag and ruin the surprise. I’m planning to give it to him while we’re relaxing on the sofa, in one of those rare moments where it’s just me and him.
I hide the bag under my jacket and take off my shoes, then I call out, “I’m back.”
“Hey, I’m changing Arianna.”
I join them, and watch in awe how with just a few movements, Arianna is ready to go.
“Play with her,” he says while putting the baby in my arms, but before he can pass by I use my body to cut his path.
He raises his head and I take the chance to land a kiss on his lips. “Hi,” I say when I pull back.
“Hi.”
We lock eyes, but it doesn’t last long because Arianna pulls on my beard, distracting me and giving Jay the chance to move past me.
