Something must be wrong.
But I’d be lying if I said I’m filled with dread. What I’m filled with is gratitude for what he’s doing for me, and worry… because I’ll never be part of whatever he’s going through. While I look at this wonderful man sitting just a few steps from me, it’s not fear that’s growing inside me. There are other feelings and sensations, and none of them have anything to do with fearing him.
Nothing here is mine and I shouldn’t get used to this. I need to remember that this moment is a borrowed one, that it doesn’t belong to me and I’ll soon be leaving it behind.
Too soon I’ll be back under Dick’s control and mood. I’ll have to keep him happy, because an unhappy Dick makes a broken Jay. Dick’s probably not aware yet that I’m gone, but as soon as he is I’ll be in trouble. He’ll chase me down to the last penny, or until I’m too broken to be useful to him.
I’m worried for Jeremy. He’ll be in trouble for covering for me. I’ve texted him to let him know I’m okay, and he promised me he’ll be here to see me soon. If he doesn’t show up, I’ll leave earlier than I planned because I need to protect him.
“Are you okay?” Haden’s breath washes over the side of my face, making me shiver and bringing my attention to the room. My eyes fall to my lap, investigating the soreness in my fingers, just to discover that while I was thinking I strangled the cushion I was hugging earlier, probably hoping it was Dick.
“Yeah, all good,” I say, letting go of the cushion and pushing it away from me.
“You can talk to me, you know.”
I nod, but don’t say anything. The things I want to say make me ashamed.
How can I ask him if it was the texts or the regret? I hate to think that the kiss could be the cause of his bad mood.
How can I share my worries for Jeremy when he has his own problems?
How can I ask him to save me, and give me a place to stay, when I’ll be placing him and the baby in danger if he says yes? And yet, there’s nothing I want more.
Haden stands after my silence goes on for a while. “I’ll be in my room if you need anything, or if you change your mind and want to talk.”
“Thank you.” I’m not ready to share my internal turmoil. Like we said a few days ago in the kitchen, the night is when you share, and right now the sun is shining.
I watch him walk away, and once he’s gone I pick up my phone. It’s nothing fancy, just something cheap that keeps me in touch with Jeremy. The most impressive thing it does is send texts.
I don’t have any other number in there, so I just press the green button and the phone comes to life. I press it again to engage the call. It rings and rings and rings, but Jeremy doesn’t answer.
My ears fill with the sound of the phone and my heart bumping louder and louder the more my fear transforms into panic. I pull the phone away from my ear and press the red button to end the call, just to press the green one to call again straight away, but no answer.
Is Jeremy in danger? I should have gone home. I take a few breaths, trying to calm myself and assess the situation. I heard from him yesterday and he was fine. Dick usually comes when it’s money time, and there’s still a week to go. I reassure myself, believing Jeremy is sleeping and his phone is probably on mute.
I grip my phone in my hand and send a thought out into the universe… please, Jerr, be safe.
Bangs and cursing coming from the other room, grabbing my attention and reminding me that I’m not as alone as I was before. I smile hearing the frustration in the growls Haden is letting out. I wander in there, curious to see what’s making the always calm and detached owner of the house so tense, and what I find makes my lips curve in quiet amusement.
Haden is reading a huge piece of paper… glaring would be a better description of what he’s doing, and I’m surprised the sheet hasn’t gone up in flames yet. What’s funny is that he keeps turning the instructions over and over, as if they’re written in an ancient language he can’t understand.
“Stupid fucking instructions,” he says, scrunching them into a ball.
I step inside the room before he reduces it to tiny bits. “Do you want help putting it together?” I offer.
He turns around and his scowl is a danger sign, while his glare is warning me of how not thrilled he is about my idea.
My mouth twitches with suppressed laughter, but I don’t show my amusement in any other way.
He doesn’t say anything, but instead he eyes the ball of instructions… maybe hoping they’ll talk to him now. “Fine,” he murmurs with a defeated sigh.
I wish the kiss had brought us closer, so I could touch him to calm the beast inside him. My guts are telling me his distressisn’t coming from the crib, but from deeper inside him. Maybe I am the problem, or it’s another issue he’s mulling over.
“This looks very sturdy. She’ll be using it until she’s eighteen,” I joke, trying to lighten the mood, but what I get is another stern glance.
Maybe we need a break, so I leave him there and go to the kitchen. A strong cup of coffee will calm us down and lift the mood. I put the kettle on, feeling like I’m at home here, and immediately remind myself that it’s only in my mind.
Once the coffee is ready, I walk back to Haden’s room, and he’s trying to kill the instructions again. So I place my cup on the dresser and pluck the piece of paper out of his hand, and when he begins to protest, I hand him the coffee.
