Fuck! The things this man does to me should be illegal.
He makes me want things I swore I didn’t want.
He makes me dream.
And when it’s time to go to bed, those thoughts follow me, until sleep takes me.
CHAPTER 10
Jay
The morning light is sneaking through the half-closed blinds, casting shadow lines on the wall in front of it.
Nothing in those shadows, though, brings out the fear or worries that are a constant in my life. Instead, they give me a sense of safety, as does the blanket I’m wrapped in. It smells like Haden, citrus and lemon, and reminds me of a day illuminated by the sun, as well as the man himself.
This smell reminds me of how close we were last night, but more than that, how his scent had wrapped around me like asoft shawl when his lips pressed against mine in a mind-blowing kiss. That press of his lips on mine had sent me to heaven.
I touch my lips with my fingers, feeling the lingering pressure of Haden’s mouth there. I want more of that, as many times as I’m allowed to. I hope before I’m forced to go that I’ll get to learn what being in his arms means.
My cock stirs when another wave of his scent envelops me and at the thought of us naked, pressed against each other, and becoming one. How long has it been since I’ve been in a lover’s arms? Too bloody long… Will I have the opportunity to feel that pleasure with Haden?
Behind his hard shell, there’s so much hidden. With that kiss, though, I had the opportunity to get glimpses of his beauty, and for a second to make it mine. His tongue had sneaked into the gap between my lips to deepen the kiss, and had sent me to heaven. He tasted divine. He tasted like freedom and hope.
It ended too quickly. Was it my whimper of pain, or was it remembering who I really am? I never thought I’d miss something that had barely begun. I could have kissed him for hours.
I move and my body protests, but not as much as it did yesterday. Is it normal to feel down because I’m getting better?
Yes. My brain is quick to answer. Getting better means leaving this house, leaving the only human being other than Jeremy who cares about what happens to me.
It’s so strange to think that two days ago I didn’t know him. That two days ago there was only despair. I’ll be carrying the ache of the loss of something that was never meant to be, but the memory will be a sweet one.
Haden might be the human version of a Monday morning—irritable, grumpy, and aloof—but I’m no fool. You don’t meet many people like him.
My two years experiencing the worst of society has given me the gift of being able to separate those who are made of gold and are good-hearted, like Haden, from those who were born to make others suffer.
While I was always aware, in the back of my mind, that being attacked was a possibility, I never really thought about what it would do to me, or what it’ll mean to me. I always thought I was safe because I was never really alone. Having Jeremy and Ed within reach would help avoid those situations, but instead, it didn’t help at all.
How can I go out there, offer my body again, knowing I’m never safe? Fuck!
I pass a hand over my face, and the soreness there is another reminder, as if I need more of those. I take a deep breath to calm myself, and the constant ache in my ribs and the throb beneath any breath reminds me once again that it wasn’t a bad dream. Reminds me that I didn’t wake up with Jeremy next to me.
If the pain is not a strong enough reminder of what’s changed in my life, the room around me does the job. As does the man sitting at the kitchen table.
Haden is worried. Even someone not accustomed to observing people like I am—I mentally snort because I’ve hugely failed—could read it in his attitude.
He wasn’t his normal self after the kiss. Haden’s attitude changed even more after he received a text last night. Or a series of texts, one after the other, making his phone illuminate like Christmas lights. His fingers went whiter and whiter with every new incoming text, to the point I thought it’d break in his grip.
I had to bite my lips not to pry, because even if we’d opened up to one another the night before, it still wasn’t my place. I fought hard to remember that I’m an unwanted guest when I saw him so shattered by those messages. His distress made me long to protect him from others’ lack of sensibility.
Haden kept to himself, and the air was so thick it could be cut with a knife.
I’ve learnt a lot about Haden in these few days we’ve spent together. He’s not someone who shares easily, he’s not someone who judges quickly, and he’s not someone who trusts comfortably.
I can’t point fingers as I’m exactly the same. Trusting others doesn’t come easily, not when the people you love have betrayed you.
Despite his hostile behaviour, I’ve never feared him. Under that blanket of pain there’s a kind heart. I wouldn’t have been here otherwise.
His hunched form on the chair is a cry for help. His hair, once well combed, is now out of place, thanks to his hand that’s constantly running through it. He’s focused on his phone, his body as tense as glass about to shatter, and his face is as dark as moonless night.
