I pull the sheet away, and then I stretch the collar of the PJs top I’m wearing, trying to get as much air as I can, because my throat is slowly closing up on me, and soon the room will do that too. Until everything is dark, and I won’t be able to move. My body will be like stones, heavy and uncooperative, and it’ll be like I’m buried in the ground.
When those tricks don’t work, and my brain keeps wandering in a loop of dread and anxiety, I leave the bed. I rise slowly, trying not to juggle my ribs too much, and I bite my already sore lips to keep the groan inside. The last thing I want is to wake up Haden.
I leave my room silently, hoping a bigger space will give more room to breathe. I use my phone for some light, just to turn it off when I reach the corridor, because it’s not as dark as my room.
My room… I’d give everything for that to be the truth.
I make my way to the kitchen, guided by the street light that wasn’t visible in my room. Maybe some water will help me… or tea. I wish I was one for drinking until I pass out instead, but I’m too afraid to lose control, so I keep myself away from it. Not being in control can lead to what happened last night, and so much worse.
How has my life become so unfamiliar in this short amount of time?
I don’t want to be a fool again. I don’t want to stumble into another situation that will break me even more. It would be easy for me to fall for someone as strong and reliable as Haden is…
“Aaaaah!!” I jump out of my skin, and then whimper in pain, when a shadow moves in the kitchen.
“It’s me.” Haden’s voice makes my blood liquid again.
Relief and something undefined fills me and calms my overworking mind and body.
I turn my light on again to make sure I don’t stumble on anything. The brightness calms my racing heart a bit more and gives me the chance to admire Haden.
He’s standing next to the sink and looking out at the darkness beyond it, a glass in his hand, still half full. I believe it’s alcoholuntil my light lands on it, then the clarity of the liquid and the absence of smell gives away that it’s water.
I watch Haden bring it to his lips, the glass reflecting the outside light just enough for me to see his face and the lines wrinkling his forehead. He looks older and troubled.
If only I had the right to take a step forward and clear them with a caress of my hand, wishing that caress had the power to take away all his worries and replace them with a smile.
How would he look wearing one?
His lips deserve to be stretched by a smile. An open one, full of joy, warmth, and life.
“Did I wake you up?” His voice is careful, as if he’s afraid of scaring me and making me run away. As if I’m a wounded animal he’s trying to protect.
“I couldn’t sleep.”
He turns to me slowly, and I stand there, barefoot and under his gaze, feeling smaller than I already am. My hair is damp with sweat, and only now that my muscles are relaxing and trembling am I aware of how much tension there was in my body.
“I thought I heard you.”
I take another step towards him, attracted by his presence like a moth is attracted by the light.
He opens a cupboard, takes out a glass, and places it under the tap. Once the glass is close to overflowing, he turns the faucet off and hands it to me.
Tears spring to my eyes at how caring he is, even if everything is hidden under a tough shell.
“Sit,” he says, and I laugh, but it’s a wet one. His harsh tone, so in contrast to how caring he is.
It doesn’t bother me, because I appreciate what’s behind it. When he’s close to me, the darkness surrounding me fades, and life looks a little… a lot brighter.
I take a seat, ready to appreciate this moment of tranquillity, but my mouth runs away from me.
“Do I get a treat?” I keep my tone light, so he knows I’m joking.
His shoulders relax just a little, and my guts buzz as a hive of fireflies light up inside me.
“Tea or silence?” Haden asks while moving to the counter to pick up the kettle.
“Both sound good,” I say, afraid of what kind of questions tea will bring.
