“Can you let him examine you again? He needs to check if you’re okay.”
Jay looks between me and him, and then taking my hand, he nods. “I want you there,” he says, gripping my hand as if he doesn’t want to let go.
I tell myself, while we walk to Jay’s bedroom, that I’m not affected by it, but the crazy truth is that I don’t want to let go either.
While Kai examines Jay, I sit there next to him, his hand never leaving mine. Every time he hisses in pain, or whimpers because of the probing Kai is doing, I gently caress the back of his handwith my thumb. The touch seems to soothe him, and in some way it does the same to me.
“Did you call Jeremy?” I ask to distract Jay when Kai checks his ribs, and then I pass my thumb over his lips when he bites them so hard they go white.
“No,” he says, just before another groan of pain.
I keep caressing his lower lip, finding it soft and full, and the irrational thought of tasting them takes hold of me. Our eyes meet, and I can’t look away.
“I’m done,” Kai says, his voice too loud in the silent room, and it pulls me back from the deep lake I’ve fallen into.
I turn to him, his smirk at this point a perpetual item on his lips. I glare at him, hoping he’ll understand that he needs to keep his mouth shut.
“You’ll be good in a few days. The ribs don’t seem broken, but they will hurt. So you need rest, don’t lift weights, and eat properly.”
Kai ruffles Jay’s already untamed hair, and ignores the death glare I send his way. He laughs this time, a loud sound that fills the room, and pulls at Jay’s mouth. His smile enchants me, and I have to bite my lips to avoid smiling as well.
“How much do I owe you?”
“Nothing. My friends get my skills for free.” He stands and waves at Jay.
Friends…
I don’t even know what those are.
CHAPTER 8
Jay
The house has gone quiet, and I was lying in the dark where everything morphs and changes into something terrifying and unknown, stopping me from falling asleep.
Haden must live on a quiet road, as not even the sounds of the passing cars can be heard in this room. It’s like being suspended in another dimension without being able to distinguish direction or find a way out. My nerves are like naked wires while I lie here waiting for the worst to happen.
Even the yellow light of the streetlamps doesn’t penetrate the thick curtain, which is strangely completely closed today. Only the sounds of the wind, when the gusts are particularly strong, penetrate the darkness.
At this moment, if things were normal, I’d be on my knees on the hard wet ground again, trying to make as much money as I could, instead of being in a warm bed away from the danger.
I should stop thinking and force myself to sleep. I won’t have chances like this once I’m back in my old life. Visions of worst-case scenarios fill my head, reminding me how much of a nightmare my life is.
Things can only get worse.
I take a deep breath and use the technique one of the other occupants of the building we live in suggested when I had my first panic attack. Four in, keep it for four, and release it in four. I’m not sure if it’s correct, but it seems to work, because it shifts my attention from inside my head to the action of counting. The panic doesn’t disappear, it’s just easier to handle it, and I can pretend it’s not taking my breath away.
I squeeze my eyes, trying to fall asleep, but the stillness in the house reminds me so much of all those nights where I’d lie awake fearing the upcoming morning that’ll bring Dick and those hands that’ll exploit my body. When the only thing I ever wanted was to be in the arms of a person who loved me.
Betrayal doesn’t hurt as much as my stupidity does.
How could I have been so blind to what was happening? How could I have trusted Dave, when everything in me screamed not to?
By the time shit hit the fan, it was too late. I had to open my eyes to the reality that I trust too easily, that I give everything I have without asking for anything in return.
But no more. They’re not taking more than my body because that’s the only thing keeping me alive. Some day, they won’t be taking that either. It’ll be Jeremy and me, in a safe place, where the ugliness of the world can’t touch us.
How could love make me so blind? How could I have let love fuck me up so badly?
