He shook his head, sorrow twisting his features. “It won’t last. It can’t. If I let you in like that I’ll just end up hurting you the same way he hurt all of us. And I don’t want to do that to you, Chaos. I can’t. I couldn’t live with myself.”
God, it felt like my heart was being ripped in half. Like I was standing there with a big, gaping wound in my chest. “You wouldn’t do that.”
“You can’t know that!”
“Yes, I can!” I shouted back. Something inside of me snapped. I wasn’t only heartbroken, I was pissed. “I know because of how you’ve treated me that past two months. I know because, despite all the sneaking around and lying, you’ve been the best boyfriend I’ve ever had. I know because I’m so in love with you, sometimes it physically hurts.” I clutched at my chest for emphasis.
His eyes widened, stark terror shining through. “God, Chaos, don’t say that. You don’t love me. Youcan’t.”
“Well too goddamn bad, because I do. I’m in love with you, Raylan. And if you were anything like that piece of shit, that wouldn’t be possible. I love you because I see you for exactly the kind of man you are.” I couldn’t stand the distance between us for another second. Rounding the counter, I came up to him and placed my hand on his chest, right over his rapidly beating heart. “My parents raised me to never settle, to know my worth and what I deserve, and what I deserve isyou.”
His hands came up, his fingers wrapping around my wrist and pressing it harder against him, even as his expression grew bleak. “Chaos, I—I can’t. I’m sorry. If I let this go any further, I’ll break you.”
A rush of pure rage washed over me, and I yanked my hand away after giving him a hard-enough shove he rocked back on one foot. “You can’t break me, Raylan. Because I’m too fucking strong for that. Can you hurt me? Yes. Can you piss me off to the point I see red? Uh, all the goddamn time. But you. Can’t. Break. Me. No one can. I know exactly what I’m made of and how strong I am. You think I fell for you randomly? That it just happened? Raylan, Ichoseyou, and the fact you don’t see that is insulting.”
“Baby—”
I held my hand up to silence him. “No, you said your piece. You got to talk out of your ass and make your excuses. I stood here and listened to you have your pity party. Now it’s my turn to talk.”
He nodded, stiffening his shoulders like he was bracing himself for a devastating blow. “I know the kind of man you are because I know the woman who raised you. You think you’re incapable of being loved because you have that man’s DNA in you? Well, so does Gypsy. So does Rhodes and Sunny. And look at them. You think they’re any less deserving of love just because of who they came from?”
“No. Of course not!”
“Then what makes you so different, huh?” He couldn’t answer. His mouth opened, but no words were spoken because they didn’t exist. “You’ve avoided commitment your whole life because you’re scared. Not because there’s some piece of DannyfuckingBradbury in you. You’re terrified of being hurt again the way your parents hurt you. But at some point, you either have to grow a freaking pair or let it eat you alive.” I could feel myself fading as I poured out everything I’d been holding inside for the past two months. It was like the energy was being drained right out of me. Taking a step back, I let the disappointment I felt shine through, clear as day. “I love you with everything I am, but I can’t be the only one fighting for this.” I waved a hand between us. “You need to decide for yourself whether or not you’re going to fight. I hope you make the right decision, because I’m worth it. And I know I can make you happy.”
“Christ, baby. You’re killing me.” He took a step closer, but I matched it, moving back. “Just, please... Let me hold you.”
I shook my head again as I forced the tears to stay back. “Sober up first. Then we’ll talk.” I turned and reached for the door, but before I left him, I said one last thing. “I told you I deserve you. But what you need to know is that you deserve me too, Raylan. If you sabotage that, you’ll only have yourself to blame.”
With that, I left. I shot a text to Holly, letting her know that Raylan was at home and okay, just so they could stop worrying, then I drove away. And I managed to keep the tears at bay until I got home, where I could cuddle up with my pets who loved me no matter what. Only then did I let them fall.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Raylan
Iregretted the whiskey from the night before as soon as I peeled my eyes open. I drank enough to guarantee a shitty hangover, but not nearly enough to forget the night before. I remembered every single excruciating second of it. And the image that stuck out the most was the pain on Lennix’s face when she walked away from me.
With a groan, I rolled onto my back and blinked my gritty eyes, regretting my decision to drink my problems away. Not because I felt like a living dumpster fire, but because that was a Danny Bradbury move. I deserved the throbbing in my temples and the flaming roadkill taste in my mouth.
I don’t know how long I lay there, silently cursing myself, when I started to hear pounding. For a second, I thought it was my brain banging against the inside of my skull. Then I heard the voice.
“Raylan Matthew Bradbury, open this door! Right now!”
Ah, fuck. This was going to be bad.
I forced myself to sitting and threw my legs over the bed. It felt like an icepick was drilling into my eyeball as I pushed to my feet. Fortunately I’d passed out in the clothes from the day before, so I didn’t have to dress myself, because if I had to bend over, I was liable to throw up everything in my stomach.
“Now!” Gypsy shouted sharply. “Don’t make me repeat myself.” She was using the voice she’d used on us as kids when we were being exceptional pains in the ass, and it still made my balls draw up into my stomach the same way they’d done when I was little.
“Christ, relax. I’m comin’,” I grunted, wiping the sleep crud from my eyes as I padded to the door.
“Don’t you attitude me,” she scolded through the door. Jesus, I forgot she had the hearing of a fucking bat.
I pulled the door open and barely had a chance to move out of the way before Gypsy ran me over as she barreled inside. My tiny apartment suddenly felt even smaller as my big sister’s anger filled up every square inch.
“Good morning to you, too,” I said drolly, moving toward the single serving coffee maker sitting on the counter. “Coffee?”
“It would have been a good morning, if you hadn’t acted like a little shit and kept me up with worry half the night.” She curled her top lip in disgust as I scooped grounds into the filter. “And no thanks. Your coffee always tastes like crap. I stopped and got something from Muffin Top.”
