“Of course. I’ll text you with updates.”
I hung up, shoved the phone in my pocket, and jumped into motion. The walk from my house to the barn by the lodge where Raylan lived wasn’t exactly close, but it was walkable. However, I wasn’t going to waste any time with that. Instead, I snatched up my keys and ran out the front door to my car. Thanks to a heavy foot, I made it to the barn in five minutes. The breath I’d been holding came back as soon as I spotted his truck in its usual spot. The barn was shut down for the evening, all the grooms and hands gone for the night, so I didn’t have to worry about anyone seeing me as I took the stairs up to his small apartment two at a time. Not that I gave much of a shit. I was so worried about Raylan, I couldn’t have cared less if someone saw me and started talking.
I beat my knuckles against the door and leaned in close, straining to listen for any signs of life from the other side. There was nothing. I knocked again, harder that time. There was a distinct thud from the other side of the door, but it didn’t open.
“Raylan, it’s me,” I called out. “I know you’re in there.”
His voice was faint, but I heard, “Go home, Lennix.” The relief I felt at hearing his voice and knowing he wasn’t lying in a ditch somewhere immediately gave way to concern. Over the past several weeks, he’d taken to calling me by my name less and less. It was usually baby or Chaos. On the rare occasion he used it, he’d shorten it to Lenni like most other people. I could barely recall the last time he used my full name, and something about it made my blood turn cold.
“I’m not going home until I see for myself that you’re okay.”
“Go. Home.”
Fuck that. Reaching for the knob, I gave it a twist, found it unlocked, and threw it open. He wouldn’t let me in? Fine, I’d let my own damn self in.
I scanned the tiny apartment for the man who owned my heart, and when I spotted him slumped on the ground near one of the only two windows in the place, I broke all over again. He was sitting with his back pressed against the wall, his forearms draped over his bent knees. He had a whiskey bottle dangling from his left hand by the neck. I didn’t know how full it had been when he started, but it was only a quarter full now.
“Oh, baby.” I moved quickly to close the distance between us, but before I could reach him, he shot up from the floor, moving faster than I thought possible, given how glassy his eyes were. From that and the flush to his cheeks, I had a feeling the bottle had been closer to full than not when he started. I slowly reached my hand toward him. “Raylan, are you okay?”
His face was a blank mask, not a single thing giving away what he was feeling. His eyes looked vacant. I looked deep, trying to find... anything, but there was nothing there.
“I told you to go home.” My eyes narrowed as I turned to follow him with my gaze as he pushed past me and stomped toward the tiny kitchenette near the door. He tossed the bottle into the sink, the glass rattling around against the metal basin. When he turned to face me once more, I saw that his eyes were no longer empty, but what was there didn’t make me feel any better. They’d gone so cold they were downright frigid, sending a shiver down my spine. The blue was more like ice than the swirling metal I was so used to. “Not to break into my goddamn house, where you’re not welcome.”
I felt my stubbornness rise to the surface and slammed my hands down on my hips. “Stop it,” I clipped. “I know you’re going through something really heavy right now, and I get that. I even understand that your emotions are probably all over the place. But that doesn’t give you the right to talk to me like that.”
He braced his short counter that barely separated the open space into separate rooms, and glared at me. “Then maybe you should do what I suggested, andleave.”
I crossed my arms over my chest and dug my heels in. “I’m not leaving. Holly called me in a panic because you stormed out and none of them could reach you. You’ve got them all worried.”
He had a reaction to that.Finally.He dropped his head, but not before I caught the flash of shame that pinched his features.
“I’ll call her back,” he said in a low monotone. “I didn’t mean to make them worry. I just need some space.”
My rising anger gave way to sympathy. “Raylan.” I said his name in a hushed voice as I crossed the room. I wanted to wrap him in the tightest hug, but that would probably only make things worse, so I kept that dinky half counter between us. He wanted space, fine, but that was all I would allow him when hewas obviously hurting as badly as he was. “I’m so sorry about your dad.”
His head shot back up, his eyes like daggers as he glowered. “He wasn’t my dad,” he barked. “And I’m fine, all right? I just want to be left alone.”
“Don’t do that,” I whispered, pleading. “Don’t shut me out. Talk to me, please. I want to help you. I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now. I know you weren’t close, but he was still your father. It’s okay for this to hurt.”
He smacked the countertop so hard the sound ricochetted through the space, bouncing off the walls and making me jump. “I don’t give a shit that he’s dead,” he barked.
“Then what is it?” I threw my hands out at my sides, my own voice rising. “If you don’t care that he’s dead, what is it you’re so upset about?”
“I’m upset because I’m just like that fucking bastard,” he shouted, his words causing every muscle in my body to seize up in shock. At that admission, his big, strong frame sagged like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.
“What?”
When he spoke again, his voice was dripping with disdain. For himself. “It’s true. I’m exactly like him.”
I gaped at him, my mouth falling open. “How could you possibly think you’reanythinglike that man.”
“Because he told me himself.” When he finally looked back at me, he looked desolate. “I never told anyone this, but I found him about six years ago.”Oh god, this was going to be bad. “It was a total coincidence. I was in Vegas for a bachelor party, and there he was.” He let out a humorless laugh and shook his head. “Sitting there, gambling, without a fuckin’ care in the world. He knew exactly who I was when I confronted him. I lost my cool and punched him right in the face. I would have beat the living shit out of him if my buddies and security hadn’t pulled me offhim, and as they were dragging me away, he just kept smilin’ that disgusting smile and saying I was just like him. A chip off the old block.”
“Raylan. He was wrong,” I insisted. “He was so wrong. You arenothinglike that man.”
“I have him inside me, Lennix. That darkness that was in him, that made him such a miserable bastard he died alone in a fucking dive motel, left to rot for days because there was no one to give a shit, that’s inside me.” He pounded his fist against his chest. “Don’t you get it? That’s why I can’t give you what you want. Why I can’t be the kind of man you deserve.” Suddenly so many things started to make sense. Answers to questions I hadn’t had the courage to ask fell into place like puzzle pieces, and the image they revealed was heartbreaking.
Hot tears crowded my eyes. “Raylan, that’s not true. You give me exactly what I want every single day.”
