Does he seriously not know I never went to Tallahassee? Or is he just pretending in order to make it easier on himself? Less guilt to deal with if he pretends not to know just how thoroughlyhe ripped my heart out of my chest. And how dare he say it’s nobody’s fault? Part of me died when he walked away that day! He can’t seriously think I can justmove on.
I want to scream at him. I want to pull off and punch his stupid fucking face all over again. I want to collapse into tears and ask why he’s so heartless.
I don’t do any of that.
I nod, sharp and definitive, and I push every piece of my broken heart right back into the box I kept it in for long.
“Cool. Sure. Let’s move on.”
Lucas blinks at me, surprised and suspicious, but I keep my eyes firmly on the road. I’ve had enough of looking at him.
“You sure?”
He sounds so genuine, so uncertain, and it almost makes me laugh bitterly. I’ve opened myself up enough just to get nothing but a slap in the face, and I’m stuck with him for another three and a half hours. Like fuck am I going to lay out my feelings right now — or ever.
“Positive,” I say, sounding a little hysterical even to my own ears. “All good here!”
I reach over to the center console and crank the radio up so loud it hurts my ears, effectively ending any further attempt at conversation. There’s not a single fucking thing I want to hear come out of Lucas’s mouth, preferably for the rest of my life.
I’ll settle for the next few hours.
God fucking damnit, I can’t believe I actually thought this was going to change anything. Clearly, it was nothing more than a hookup to him if he won’t even take the olive branch I’m offering. Whatever. I just won’t let it happen again.
It’s not like he’s irresistible, or anything. I just wasn’t trying that hard before this. I got the taste of him that I wanted.
It’ll be easy to ignore him now, and my life can go back to normal.
Yeah, that sounds perfect.
LUCAS
The weekend with Jenny in Bozeman went fuckinggreat, if I do say so myself.
The drive back? Not so much.
Sure, there were things that could have gone better on our little trip. Punching Elias in the face wasn’t my best moment, but thankfully he decided to go easy on me and only make me pay for his urgent care visit and the pain meds they sent him home with. While it took a hefty chunk out of my bank account, it’s the least he deserved after I decked him. Besides, I’d much rather cough up a few hundred bucks than deal with a lawsuit for aggravated assault.
I’ve got enough on my plate as is.
I thought the tension between me and Jenny was finallyoffmy plate—or at least was replaced withsexualtension, instead—but it’s apparently back in spades. I have no fucking clue why.
I mean, sure, I’m an idiot sometimes, but I’m notstupid. It obviously has something to do with our breakup, since that’s what Jenny was talking about when she went cold on me again. If she would just talk to me without making me walk through a minefield of loaded questions, maybe I’d be able to figure something out.
But all she did was ask for an apology.
She wouldn’t tell me what she was mad about, couldn’t even demand an apology from me without insulting me in the same breath. It’s not likeshe’sthe one who lost everything. Jenny had damn near a full ride to her dream school, and I was just as much of a loser then as I am now. I couldn’t hold her back, couldn’t ask her to stay or to come to Utah with me. So instead I left her before she could leave me.
A clean break, even if the edges of my heart are still jagged from it to this day.
I didn’t even manage to get anything out of leaving. A failed football career, an injury that’ll never quite heal, and now a dead-end job I’m not even good at in a town I swore I’d never return to. Having Jenny around makes all of it seem so much more bearable, but with her mind games and the way she keeps going hot and cold on me, I don’t know if it’s worth the wear and tear on my psyche.
The smart thing to do would be to forget about all of it. Forget about the hotel room, our past relationship, any ridiculous notions I have of a future together. Just wipe my mind and start over with a clean slate.
The truth? Even if I could do that, I wouldn’t. Jenny’s always meant too much to me.
It feels pathetic to admit it, even to myself, but I know that I’m going to go running back to her like a puppy the second she expresses any interest in me. At least I can be sure that shewill. She’s always been a firecracker, but if I give her enough time to cool off and get over whatever’s bothering her about our past, things will sort themselves out. Maybe we won’t fall in bed together again, but I could be content with a friendship.
I could pretend I don’t want her more than oxygen itself.
