Actually… Lucas in handcuffs is far from the worst idea I’ve ever had.
Needless to say, we spent most of yesterday rolling around in bed together, taking the occasional break for food or to watch something stupid on TV before inevitably jumping each other again. It was almost like a real vacation, minus the brief moments of sanity where I stared into the bathroom mirror and asked myself what the fuck I was doing. Most of those points came directly after spending time curled up in his arms andletting him fawn over me. It felt a little too much like we were a couple again, and while my rational brain still riots against the idea, my heart swells every time it crosses my mind.
It’s not like I’m ready to forget everything and throw myself back into a relationship with him.
Sex is one thing, and if I’m honest, I knew it was only a matter of time before we fell into bed together. I may not have wanted to admit it to myself, but the draw between the two of us is too much to ignore.
Everything else is up in the air, though.
Especially after the way he apologized for that night with Elias.
It was enough to make me realize he did actually grow up in the time we’ve been apart. At the same time, it doesn’t fix things between us. He showed he was perfectly capable of taking responsibility for his actions, but he hasn’t said a word about our past. No apology has come my way for the way he treated me back then. Not a whisper of regret for leaving with no warning and no offer to stay together long distance.
I’m hoping he’s just scared to bring it up, not wanting to ruin the tentative peace we’ve found together this weekend.
The thought lingers in my mind as we pack the truck up and swing by the rodeo grounds to load Ernie back into the trailer. I let it eat at me for a while, stewing over how to bring it up. It’s probably better to let it lie for now, at least until we get back home and aren’t stuck together for hours on end, but patience has never been my strong suit. I make it nearly half an hour of idle chatter before I break.
“So.” I draw the word out, glancing over at him after merging into the right lane. “We should probably talk?”
I intend for it to sound confident, but it comes out as a question despite my best efforts. Faced with Lucas in the light ofday, the scratch marks I left on his skin just barely peeking above his shirt collar, I feel like I’m on impossibly shaky ground.
It’s a ridiculous idea to open myself up to this again, right? He already fucked me over so thoroughly once. Why give him a chance to do it a second time?
“Probably,” he says, forcing his casual tone just as much as I am if the way he shifts awkwardly in his seat is anything to go by.
Of course, if I wasn’t considering trying again, I never would have slept with him. And his willingness to talk is a good sign. He’s already proven that he can be a reasonable adult after everything with Elias. He managed a proper apology for that, and maybe he’s just waiting for me to bring it up to apologize for leaving last time.
Maybe he’s just as scared as I am. Scared to rock the boat, to say it out loud and make it real. Scared to bring it up first in case I don’t feel the same.
I’m a lot of things, but a coward isn’t one of them, so I take a breath and blurt the words out.
“Just thought we should talk about… everything, I guess.” I shrug, the action much more carefree than I actually feel. “I mean, you apologized about Elias and all, but we didn’t really talk about why we broke up in the first place.”
Lucas is quiet for a bit, long enough that I sneak a glance over at him just to find his brows furrowed in confusion. That’s… not a great sign.
“Do we need to?” he asks, grimacing at the thought.
Oh, you have to be fucking kidding me. He can’t think that a weekend of excellent sex and equally excellent pampering is enough to make up for ditching me and running off to Utah without so much as a proper conversation.
“Yes, weneed to,” I snap back with a sarcastic roll of my eyes. “If you expect me to just move on without so much as an apology, you’re dumber than I thought.”
I mean for it to be a joke, but I’m too anxious about his reaction for it to land right. Why is he shutting down like this? I thought he was just scared to bring it up first, but there’s a defensive shine in those blue eyes that has my hackles raising.
“Want to tell me what exactly I’m supposed to be apologizing for?” he asks, every muscle in his body corded with tension.
He looks at me like I’m a snake coiled to strike, like he expects me to snap and tear his head off. He’s not far off the mark, as I nearly slam my foot on the brake in the middle of the highway when his words process all the way.
What thefuck?
He has to be joking. The look on his face is dead serious, and my blood freezes in my veins at the sight of it. I lock my eyes on the road as I white knuckle the steering wheel, trying to stop myself from freaking out entirely.
“Jenny?” he asks, still guarded, but sounding exhausted and annoyed now, too. “Can you just talk to me? I thought we were over the guessing games. I don’t know what you want me to apologize for, here, and I’m not just going to tell you I’m sorry if I don’t know what’s upsetting you.”
I dig my nails into the steering wheel, fighting back tears by sheer force of will. I can’t fucking believe I thought he was serious about things this time. I can’t believe I let myselfhope.
“Look, we can leave the past in the past, can’t we?” he continues. “You were better off in Tallahassee, I was better off in Utah. We just went in different directions. It’s not like I wanted to break up with you, but you know high school relationships don’t work out like that. It’s nobody’s fault, so can’t we just move on?”
Oh, yeah, keep twisting the knife, asshole.
