26
REBECCA
Isn’t there any way I can skate around this moment?
This is the day that I’ve been dreading for four years now. How am I supposed to look my little angel in the eyes and tell him that I knew who his father was the entire time…
The thought breaks my heart. At least I don’t have to worry about whether or not Damian will get along with his dad. They’ve already formed a bond that even shocks me.
As I lean up against the counter in the kitchen, my eyes remain on Damian, playing out different scenarios of how badly this could go.
I could be wrong, and it’ll go just fine, but given my recent track record of disasters…I doubt it. What if he resents me, or he decides that, since we lied to him, he doesn’t want to trust us ever again?
Suddenly, my mind shoots to the future when he’s an ornery teenager. What if every time he’s angry with me, he throws thisin my face? I know what I did was wrong, but do I have to pay for my mistakes for the rest of my life?
“I think it’ll be easier to just tell him,” Steven whispers to me quietly, and his voice startles me out of my trance. I look out to Damian again, who’s playing with Legos while watching a movie.
Sighing, my eyes trail back to Steven. “I know. I’m just nervous. I don’t want to disappoint him like I did everyone else.”
I hand him the last dish that I’ve been washing over and over again to stall the inevitable. He begins to dry it with a dish towel before placing the plate in the cabinet with the others. I replace the sponge in its holder and turn to face him.
Steven shakes his head, his eyes softening, and he hugs me. “Well, you didn’t disappoint me. Yes, I was shaken up a little, but I came around. So will he. He loves you.”
His words cause a smile to form on my worried face. Steven’s absolutely right, but I can’t shake the fear that Damian won’t trust me again after he learns that I lied to him his entire life about who his father was.
In my mind, I didn’t necessarily lie to him. His father is a great man and couldn’t be with him at the time. It was just because I couldn’t man up and tell the truth.
“All I’ll say is that from my experience, it’s better to rip the Band-Aid off as soon as possible, rather than keep the lie going.”
I don’t disagree with him; I just have to muster up the courage. “I’ll be right there with you to help,” Steven continues, offering me the support I need to do this.
With his hand on the small of my back, he leads me toward the living room. “Are you sure we can’t just…hold off for a bit?”I ask as a last-ditch effort to avoid this entire conversation. He chuckles and continues to push me toward the couch.
Will he ever forgive me?
Hopefully, one day, Damian will understand why I hid all of this from him for years. I only had the best intentions at heart…To protect him from his other grandparents. But he doesn’t need to know all the gritty details yet.
For God’s sake…he’s only four. It’s bad enough that I have to swallow my pride and tell him that I lied to him. The one person he thought he could trust in this entire world.
Maybe his reaction won’t be like the others, at least it’s the only hope I can hold onto.
Steven and I sit down on the couch behind Damian as he sits on the floor, building with his Legos. “Look, Mom!” he exclaims. “I made a dinosaur. It’s like a T. rex, but I didn’t have any white blocks for his teeth.” As he lifts the green creature to show us, I smile, trying to keep my worries hidden from my features.
He’s just so innocent. This entire thing is killing me. I made my bed, though…Now it’s time to face the repercussions.
“That’s awesome, buddy,” I reply, but I shift and clear my throat, preparing myself to drop the bomb, yet again. The only thing pushing me along is knowing that telling him is the last obstacle I have to face, and then this whole fiasco can be done.
It’s exhausting that I have to continue telling the same story…I just wish I had never left in the first place.
“So, listen,” I continue. “There’s something kind of important that we need to tell you.” My knees squeeze against my foldedhands that rest between them as the nerves intensify. Damian puts down his newly built toy, and his eyes remain on mine.
He’s so intelligent…He can already tell something is wrong before I can get the words out. “What’s wrong?” His little voice is so sweet, so innocent. This only makes me feel worse for hiding such a big piece of his life away from him.
“Before I say what it is, I just need you to know that it was such a big decision for me to keep it from you. And it was only meant to protect you.” I can hear myself trying to deflect as I look over at Steven and back to Damian. “Do you remember all the times you would ask about your dad?”
My words stop in my throat, and my mouth hangs open as Damian nods yes.
Steven places a hand on Damian’s shoulder as he smiles, keeping his eyes on him the entire time. “Buddy, I’m your real Dad.” His words echo through the house as if it were empty, and my heart stops, as does my breath, as I watch Damian intently.
