I pull out another. Green. My eyes will pop, but what if it clashes with my hair?
Auburn hair, green eyes, pale skin. I’ve Googled this before. The recommendation is to wear jewel tones, soft blues, or creams.
But creams show everything. Blues make me feel washed out. Black feels safe but boring. I sit on the bed, surrounded by rejected outfits, and press my palms to my eyes.
Why do I care so much?
Because he’ll be there.
Because he might look at me.
Because he might not.
I change three times. Then a fourth.
I stare at myself in the mirror, heart racing, imagining his eyes on me and immediately wanting to hide.
“Get it together,” I whisper. “He’s just a guy you have a crush on.” But it no longer feels like a crush. It feels like something more. Something deeper. Something serious…and dangerous.
Dangerous because I don’t know how to handle relationships. Friendships are no problem, at least not with genuine friends like Sara. But how I act when I’m with her doesn’t reflect on her. People don’t judge Sara because she has a flustered, awkward friend who can’t speak without stuttering.
People do judge you if you have a girlfriend who behaves like that.What does he see in her?They wonder.Why is someone like him, with someone like her?
I don’t know if I’m dressing for a party.
Or for Ethan.
And that realization scares me more than anything else. Because Ethan is definitelysomeone.He’s a catch who could date anyone he wants. Whywouldhe be with someone like me?
He went to business school and has a graduate degree. He needs a partner who can advance his career. Someone who can schmooze and make small talk at networking events disguised as social occasions. Someone who knows how to dress and how to act.
I look at the dresses covering my bed.
I will never be that person. I should stop dreaming about a future with Ethan now, because that will never happen.
Chapter Six
LIZ
On Wednesday,most people leave early to get ready for the party. Sara left just after lunch with the rest of the people on the party committee. They’re getting dressed up and then heading to the venue early to make sure everything is in place, including all the wrapped Secret Santa gifts that people have been dropping off at the office for the last few days. I swallow down the anxiety rising when I think about what I got Ethan. It is a bold choice, maybe too personal.
Oh, fuck.What if it is? Is it too late to take it back and get something else?
I swallow hard and do my breathing exercises so I won’t spiral. There’s nothing I can do about the gift now. At least, nothing without making things extra difficult for Sara.
Thinking about my friend calms me. I don’t know how she’s not exhausted from all the work she’s put into this event.
Actually, I do.
She’s a true extrovert. People and parties energize her, and if she could, she’d do something social every evening. She kind of does.
If there’s not a party to go to, there is book club, or pottery classes, or volunteering at the youth center. Sara’s amazing. More than once, I wished I could be more like her. But my stupid brain and nervous system are wired very differently.
Most amazing of all, even though we are totally different, she’s the best of friends who understands why I don’t take part in all of her activities. She still makes time for me and fills me in on everything going on in her life so I can experience it all vicariously.
But the office Christmas party is one thing she will not allow me to back out of.
Before she left, she gave me a stern talking to, about how disappointed she’d be in me if I didn’t show up. How sad it would make her. So sad that she would leave the party to come and be with me instead.
