Inadequacy rolls over me like a street paver. I pray for the right thing to say, then pull out a Sarah-esque question. “What are you thinking about now?”
Her voice is small and muffled against my neck. “I’m afraid I made Grams sick.”
I hold her close and pat her back. “Oh, honey—you didn’t. I promise.”
“But I wanted to move back here and live with you, and I wished I could. I didn’ mean to wish her sick.”
“Of course you didn’t, sweetheart.”
“But what if I did?” She pulls back and looks at me. Fresh tears flow down her face.
“It doesn’t work like that. You can’t just wish for things and make them happen.”
“But Mommy said I could do anythin’ I set my mind to.”
“She didn’t mean just by wishing, honey. People make dreams come true by taking action like going to school and studying andpracticing and working really hard. None of us has the power to just wish for something and make it happen.”
“That’s the way how it worked inPinocchio.”
“Sweetheart, you know the difference between pretend and real life, right?”
“Yes.”
“Well,Pinocchiois pretend.”
“Are you sure?”
“Very sure.”
“But the Pinocchio story is old!”
“Make-believe stories can be old. Besides, if wishes came true, your mom would still be here, right? Because that’s what you really wish.”
Her head is warm against my shoulder. “Yeah. I wished an’ wished for that, an’ even used-ed my magic wand over an’ over an’ over. An’ I prayed to God.”
I stroke her silky hair, lifting a strand and letting it filter through my fingers. My chest aches like a cracked tooth.
“Why did Mommy have to die?”
“I don’t know, sweetie.”
“Does God know?”
“Yes. He knows everything.” Unlike me. Right now, I feel like I know nothing—least of all how to comfort this grieving child.
“Can he see Mommy?”
“Yes, sweetie.”
“I want to see her, too. I want us to be together.”
I say a silent prayer and take my best shot. “You’re still together in your heart.” Even to my ears, it sounds like a useless platitude.
“I don’ jus’ want her in my heart! I want Mommyhere, with arms an’ a face an’ alap!”
My eyes fill. “I know, sweetie. I know.” I feel entirely inadequate. I don’t know what else to say. I rock her until Ruffles jumps on the bed and uses her paws to try to wedge between us.
Mercifully, this makes Lily giggle.
