It wasn’t long before Jules could see the path opening up and the sky revealed beyond the trees. Carrie stopped again.
‘You go first,’ she said. ‘You should see this on your own. I’m going to wait here for a couple of minutes and let you have the space to yourself. Hopefully there won’t be anyone else up there. It’s extra special when you’re alone.’
Loose stones skittered under Jules’s feet as she approached the end of the path and there was the Longstone with the valley stretching away to the right. She took a deep breath, unclipped her hair and threw back her head, letting the wind stream through it. She walked over to the Longstone and touched it gently with her fingertips. The stone was surprisingly warm, and she leaned her back against it surveying the view, the weather-hewn surface feeling like a massage for her tight muscles.
She could come and draw up here, sit on the part of the stone that had fallen over and sketch.
With paper and pencils or a small tin of watercolours and a long-suppressed desire to draw, she could try to capture what she saw in front of her and perhaps that would help her escape the loneliness which still gnawed away at her. Perhaps the miracle of nature would reconnect her to life, and she’d learn to accept change. In the distance a hare bolted out of a clearing of trees, stopped, gazed at her, ears pricked, senses completely in tune with everything around it, before running free down the hill. It felt like a privilege to see a hare up close, especially for a girl born and brought up in the city like her.
‘I saw a hare,’ she said, unable to stop the beaming smile that spread across her face as Carrie appeared.
‘Where did it go?’
Jules pointed down into the valley and Carrie squinted.
‘They’re protective,’ Carrie said, as if reading her mind. ‘A sign of a new dawn, new opportunities.’
‘If you believe in that sort of thing,’ Jules said, aware she probably sounded churlish.
‘It’s still a sign,’ Carrie said, the stubborn tone that Jules recognised so well inflecting her voice, ‘even if you don’t believe.’
Carrie settled on the fallen piece of granite and Jules came to sit beside her.
‘I’d like to believe,’ she whispered.
Carrie took hold of her hand and clasped it within both of hers.
‘Trust me, to see a hare up here on your first visit is very auspicious.’
‘Trust is a word which has almost disappeared from my world, present company excepted.’
‘I get that, really, I do. Sometimes we can close ourselves down without even realising it’s happening. Stuff happens.’
‘And we make terrible choices.’
‘You’re being too hard on yourself and it’s not going to help. Choice implies options, that you’re in control, but when you’re in love with something or someone or allowing yourself to be driven by society’s expectations, you’re not totally in control. We don’t always have the space or time or clarity to think about making good choices. Sometimes you’re just on the travellator part of life and you have to get to the end of it before you can get off. And perhaps those parts are there to teach us something, to make us better human beings. I like to think that, because I want there to be a reason, and if there’s an easy way and a hard way, a lot of people take the hard way.’
‘Isn’t that because we’re brought up to believe that hard work equals progress and that if something’s easy it’s not worthwhile or we don’t deserve it?’ She bit her lip. ‘Everything felt really easy with Gavin at the beginning. I should have known it was too good to be true.’
‘I felt the same about Guy, although he wasn’t too good to be true – but he’s not perfect. If you’re looking for perfection, you won’t find it.’
‘I’m not looking for anyone or anything,’ Jules said. ‘I’m going to try to learn to be happy on my own. I’ve spent too long chasing rainbows. I think because of my dad dying I’ve always wanted someone to look after me, to cherish me like he did my mum.’
She ran the pad of her finger over a piece of lichen on the stone next to her.
‘And I’m not going to find that. I think subconsciously I’ve known that all along, which is why I’ve ended relationships after a few weeks. It wasn’t that I was afraid of the commitment. It was that I realised they couldn’t live up to my dreams.’
‘There will be someone out there for you, Jules.’
‘I can’t go through this again. I have my job which I love, and in spite of what I do, and I know people think you’re a bit selfish if you admit this, I’ve never particularly wanted children of my own. I did think about having Gavin’s babies, but that was just me in some romantic stupor. I wasn’t thinking about the realities and I’m a very realistic person. There’s no desperate ticking of my biological clock and instead of feeling as if I’m a bit of a freak, I should allow myself to feel liberated by that. Delivering other people’s babies seems to fulfil that need. It’s like when you’ve cooked a meal for people, you often end up not being that hungry, as if all your senses have been fed by the preparing of it.’
Carrie squeezed her hand.
‘I don’t think you’re selfish at all and I’m really proud of you, how you’re handling this.’
Jules turned to look at her and blushed.
‘I don’t know why. I’m thoroughly ashamed of myself.’ She gave herself a little shake and looked around. ‘Good thing you came to get me or I’d probably still be moping around, my mum hammering on the door or calling the fire brigade to put a ladder up to the window.’
