“Leigh, come on now,” Melissa said.
I sighed. I didn’t want to admit this to myself or them.
Did I really just think that?I mean, I knew I did…I guess I just couldn’t believe that I was admitting I was fearful of this in such obvious terms.
And if I was going to think to myself in such honest terms, I knew I owed it to my friends, desperate for something that would pull their attention away from the current situation, to be just as honest with them.
“Sonny is great for me in a lot of ways, and of course things are great physically,” I said. “But there’s just…there’s two things that I can’t shake.”
“OK,” Melissa said. Hailey didn’t say a word, but her eyes were on me so strongly that she didn’t need to say anything.
“Well, the first is, I just…I don’t know if it’s worth it. The risk. I mean, let’s call a spade a spade, right? You all are here because of the things that Satan and his club do.”
Thankfully, Hailey didn’t seem to take offense to what I had said.
“You know what’s funny?” Melissa said. “Hailey and I more or less had the exact same conversation before I got back with Corey.”
I had to remind myself sometimes that these guys’ biker names and their real names weren’t the same. It made me wonder what Sonny’s real name was—and anything that made me think about him more…
Felt good?
“And ultimately, yeah, we decided for us it was worth it. Even now.”
“No one has made me feel like Sam has,” Hailey said. “No one. I knew when I dated him, I’d get shit from her. I knew I’d have to probably quit my job. I knew my world would get turned upside down.”
“And I knew I’d have to face a lot of demons from the past but face them I did. And it’s because of the reasons Hailey said. But you have to decide for yourself on that.”
The question wasn’t if I had to decide for myself on that or not. I had a feeling that was how Hailey and Melissa would answer me in the first place.
No, the real question was if I’d asked because I genuinely wanted the answer, or if I just wanted confirmation one way or another. The real issue was the second part.
“Makes sense,” I said.
“And the second part?” Melissa said, Hailey still with that thousand-mile stare, even when she jumped in to speak.
“I just…”
Spill it out.
“I have a great chance with a great guy, and all I can think about is how it feels wrong. Somehow. It’s stupid, I know, but it’s like I’ve been conditioned to go for guys who aren’t this good to me. I’m so used to going for guys who are assholes and don’t give attention, and…”
“It’s like eating a vegetable when all you’ve eaten your whole life is pizza and burgers,” Hailey said dryly.
It was a better analogy than anything I could come up with. And it didn’t matter how much rational logic was given to me. The idea of committing just seemed…scary and foreign.
“Dumb as it sounds, I’m scared to commit.”
“And you don’t think we were?”
The forcefulness of Hailey’s tone stopped me in my path.
“Do you think either of us was just so desperate to be with these guys that we offered ourselves up as sacrifices to them? Do you think either of us was so horny and so lonely that we promised to do whatever they wanted? Of course it’s scary to commit, especially to guys like these. We already said a bit about it, but there’s nothing easy here. You—”
She caught herself, shook her head, and stood up, walking away. I got the strong sense she’d had to almost literally bite her tongue to prevent her from saying something harsh. Who could blame her, though, all things considered?
“Why do you think you’re scared to commit?” Melissa said in a much calmer voice when Hailey had disappeared from sight.
I drew a breath. I knew the answer. I just hadn’t admitted it to myself much, let alone outside.
