“My dad,” I said. “He was never emotionally close to me. It caused all sorts of problems. So I think now I try and replicate that, go for men that are emotionally unavailable to get that win. And—”
“So talk to your dad.”
Why did such a simple idea seem so foreign to me, so unexpected that Melissa might as well have told me to solve calculus problems?
“You think—”
“I don’t know that it’s the answer, Leigh, but you gotta start somewhere,” Melissa said. “And I’ll tell you, I can help, but Hailey is at her wits end. She’s not in a place to be asking hard questions. She’s gotten to the point where she just wants solutions. So I’m sorry if that came across insensitive, but I understand where she’s coming from.”
“I do too! I just…it’s so obvious, and yet it always seemed too taboo an idea to consider.”
And there was reason for that.
In fact, my stomach roiled more at the thought of speaking to my dad than the prospect of committing to Sonny. At least committing to Sonny, while a step beyond normal, would promise great sex, great food, and presumably great conversation. Talking to my dad only promised, at best, awkward silence and stilted answers, at worst frustrated dialogue.
But I knew I had to do it.
I knew that even if it went terribly, which it was almost certain to do, at least I would have taken a step that I hadn’t taken before. And if it went well, it would lift up my spirits at a much-needed time.
Either way, it seemed like the equivalent of going through a period of hell for some happiness and cheer on the other side. It just seemed like an extraordinary amount of hell.
“Well, I hope it works out if you do it,” Melissa said.
“I will.”
An uncomfortable silence fell over us.
“I don’t think Hailey is coming back, huh?”
“She probably went upstairs to see Sam,” she said. “It’s been rough on her. She won’t say it out loud, but I think part of her does sometimes wonder if it was worth it.”
I did a double take.
“Oh, she loves him, that’s for sure. She’s not going to leave him. I have never seen Hailey enamored with anyone like she is with Sam. I’m thinking more of an intellectual exercise. Like, I think she wonders how much calmer her life would be.”
Melissa shrugged.
“But isn’t that the game we play with everyone? No one’s perfect. And if they were, then we’d play the game of creating some fun with a little bit of chaos and foul play. Hailey could date guys not in biker clubs, but she’d lose their masculinity and thrill. No such thing as a perfect partner. Just a partner that you trust and like enough to work through your imperfections with.”
Her words were sinking deeper than I expected, but she stood up before I could ask more.
“I’m going to go find her upstairs. I think right now, just keep giving her space. I haven’t seen her walk out on anyone like that yet.”
“Makes sense,” I said. “Maybe I can bring her some drinks.”
Melissa snorted, but she gave a half-smile. On the curve of emotions today, that might as well have been a full-blown, belly-aching laugh at a bar. From there, she stood up, nodded to me, and headed out.
Although I was briefly left alone, I didn’t feel alone at all. I knew exactly what I needed to do, and though it would require some courage and some building up of my confidence, I knew I’d have to dial my dad’s number. I knew I’d have to have the uncomfortable conversations.
The ones about him not being emotionally present. About him working too much. About him divorcing my mother and marrying someone much younger, almost close to my age, leaving me in doubt about the prospect of stable relationships.
But now that the thought had entered my brain, it became practically impossible to shake. Melissa was right—either I spoke to him and had a cathartic conversation about a lot of things, or I learned my father truly couldn’t take the heat and would need to be categorized a certain way. But only by actually forcing the issue to some degree would that be possible.
I stepped out of the hospital, my phone in my hand, my finger over the call button under my father’s contact information. I told myself I was walking to a quiet place, but…I was just delaying. I just needed to make it happen. I…
I heard a distant sound.
It was growing louder and louder.
