I stared at Hailey. Her eyes were still straight ahead, but there was a sharpness that had been lacking from before. She still looked grief-stricken, but she was certain in what she’d said.
“What about him?”
“When you saw him at Sam’s, that was the first time you’d seen him since you dated, right?”
I nodded.
“How did it feel?”
How did it feel…for such a simple question, it was one I struggled to find the right words to at first. Several seconds of silence passed before I finally spoke.
“Mixed.”
More silence followed.
“If I’m being fully honest, which I suppose I should do since you’re my only family now…”
Those words hung in the air. Said out loud, there was just some terrible, tragic truth about them. Like, she really was it. We didn’t have any close cousins or anything of that nature. This was it.
“On the one hand, I felt stressed and anxious. That was a guy that caused me so much hell. But…fuck, I don’t know.”
“Come on, what?”
I grimaced.
“He was still handsome,” I said, almost feeling like I wanted to vomit for admitting that. “He still, on some level, triggered that excitement and attraction. I don’t like admitting that. It makes me feel weak.”
“It’s only weak if you act on it or if it affects your behavior.”
I disagreed, but I understood her point.
“And that’s it?”
“I…”
Again, more silence. I really hoped this wouldn’t become a trend for our relationship. I already sucked at being forward and honest with my feelings with other people. I didn’t need it to extend to my only living family.
“He texted me last night,” I said. “Said that he fucked up with us. Also said he was sorry for what I was going through. I…I didn’t expect that. I don’t know how to handle it.”
Hailey nodded. She glanced over at me momentarily, but now it was my turn to keep my eyes straight ahead and not glance over.
“What exactly happened during the relationship?” Hailey said. “I know you’ve told me that he got assholish by the end, but if he was that bad, I feel like you wouldn’t even be talking to me about him as you are.”
“No, I would not,” I said.
I took a deep breath in and sighed.
“So for the first several months, things went well, as you know. But there came a point where things got more serious, and I thought about Mom and Dad.”
Funny how it all connects.
“You know they never had a close relationship. Like they were married, sure, but it just seemed so lifeless. Dad always working, Mom always looking like she’d rather be anywhere else. And I was afraid that was my future. I was afraid that if Corey and I went that far, that would be me. I tried to fight it, and I know it wasn’t fair to him, but I just couldn’t shake it. I just couldn’t stop believing that if I got married, someday, I’d be the lady quietly yearning for more on the couch. And so…”
I shook my head.
“I should have said something to Corey, but I never did. Instead, being the immature woman I was, I would just lash out at him. Like I was trying to give him an excuse not to be with me. Now, of course, if he was mature, he would have handled it better. But since we were two kids, basically, we just wound up trying to one-up the other.”
“And he started harassing and stalking you.”
