So, perhaps I would never have sex with anyone as good as I’d had it with Rose. Perhaps I would never have a relationship as passionate and meaningful as anyone as I’d had with Rose. But if that was what it took to stay sane in the face of utter chaos, then it was something I was more than willing to do.
And it makes you wonder, though, what would happen if you could have it all.
Too bad that’ll never fucking happen.
Rose
Iopened the door to my apartment, feeling dejected. My shoulders slumped, I could barely carry the bag of groceries, and I didn’t even know what I was going to make. I hadn’t bought anything else after LeCharles had embarrassed me so badly in the grocery store. I’d felt too hurt, too rejected to think clearly.
It would have been one thing for him to say no. But for him to say no so cruelly and so harshly? For him to reject me in such a public and humiliating manner?
That wasn’t the LeCharles I knew.
But, then again, maybe I wasn’t the Rose he knew anymore. Maybe we’d both changed—or maybe we both were wearing masks to hide our fear of each other. What would happen if we removed those masks?
I wasn’t exactly confident I’d get an answer to that ever. Nor was I confident it was in my best interests to get an answer.
But as soon as I heard the jingling sound of Shiloh’s collar, much of my concern dissipated. I let my bag gently drop to the ground, kicked the door behind me closed, and hugged my dog as he licked my face and broke out into heavy panting.
“Oh, I know, buddy, I know!” I said as he barked his disapproval at me being gone all day. “I know! I’ve been a very bad owner!”
Then he sat in front of me without me saying a word, knowing that that was the next step toward going on a walk. It was nice to have something in my life go according to order. Not everything I experienced was complete chaos.
I went to my bedroom, grabbed a leash, and attached it to Shiloh, whose panting made it look like he was smiling like a kid who got an extra bar of candy on Halloween.
“I’m happy you’re happy!” I said in a high-pitched tone. “I’m happy... I’m happy someone’s happy.”
Poor Shiloh didn’t know it, but he was about to be a therapy dog of a different kind for me.
“You know, Shiloh, I get why LeCharles rejected me,” I said as I opened the door.
The German Shepherd yanked on the leash, desperate to get to a spot where he could relieve himself. That was something I was going to have to figure out for later—I couldn’t afford a sitter, so I either had to make the very tight squeeze home to take care of him, or I’d have to pray that he wouldn’t relieve himself in the middle of the day in my apartment.
“Our last relationship was filled with so much trouble,” I said as I found a patch of grass to the side of one of the apartment buildings. “I knew things were bad, but I didn’t have the courage to tell the truth, so rather than do that, I just chose to fight him. Terrible decision on my part. Lied to him some, too.”
I shook my head.
“You’re lucky, Shiloh,” I said as we began our actual walk. “A dog’s life is a simple one. Wake up, use the bathroom, play with your owner, go for a walk, eat, go for another walk—it’s all just casual and fun. I wish I had a dog’s life. I wouldn’t have had the work, school, and family issues I had when I was dating LeCharles. I guess ignorance is bliss, huh, Shiloh?”
At the mention of his name, he turned around and jumped up on me. I knew it was bad practice to let a dog jump on you, but I didn’t mind. I thought it was cute the way he did it, and I just kissed him and scratched his face whenever he did that.
“I didn’t know how to handle it,” I said. “And so I never did. And it exploded on me.”
I shook my head. It wasn’t just that I was in a worst spot now—it was that the descent into this spot had been so gradual, there were very few explosive moments of failure. It wasn’t like I had woken up one day and had changed from a would-be doctor into someone who took the only place that hired her.
I had started out wanting to become a doctor of humans, just a normal doctor who people would go and visit for annual checkups or colds. But when my father fell ill, I realized I didn’t have the stomach for chronic, fatal human suffering. So, thinking I could continue to give back with my knowledge of medicine, just not to people, I went to vet school. I chose Utah thinking it would get me away. And then...
It was all too much to think about. To think of how, after six months of dating LeCharles, I was sure we would marry, I would go to a medical school in the Los Angeles area, and my father would walk me down the aisle...
And now, I could only say that one of those would definitely never happen, and two of those were only likely to happen in the most outlandish, most improbable, most ridiculous of scenarios.
“But I still want to make things right,” I said. “And, if I’m being totally honest, Shiloh, he looked very handsome today.”
My dog literally stopped in his tracks, squatted down, and pawed at its head with its rear left leg, scratching himself. I suspected, though, that that was merely an excuse, a gesture meant to cover up the fact he was staring at me, thinking I was beyond crazy.
“I know, I know, but just hear me out, would ya?” I said with a smile. “I never thought he was unattractive. That was never the issue for me.”
Shiloh got up and kept walking forward as if expressing his disdain. But I knew he was still listening. It was what a good boy always did, and Shiloh was the best boy that there was.
