‘Can we see the sea today, Mummy?’
I smile at Millie and pass her a banana. Rosie scrunches her nose and shakes her head when I offer one to her. We’ve been in the car hours and they’re getting agitated.
Millie begins to peel it and I scrunch my nose at the smell.
‘We are staying in a cottage right by the sea. We’ll be able to see it from our windows. How lovely is that?’
‘Wow. I can’t wait.’ The excitement across her face warms my heart. ‘Can we walk on the beach even if it’s still raining?’
‘Yes we can.’ I nod animatedly and smile widely.
‘Then we can buy some flowers for Jess.’
My daughter warms my heart again. ‘That’s right, Millie. We can choose some pretty, colourful ones.’
‘Are we nearly there?’
‘We are here.’ Damien navigates the car through the narrow town, driving slowly as tourists step off the pavement and onto the road. We finally find our allocated parking space. Sea View Cottage stands out with its huge blue plaque, boasting a four-star accommodation experience and the girls let out a scream of delight. It looks the same as it did in the photo but I don’t remember having it taken. My dad must have stood where I’m standing now when he took it.
‘Let’s get this holiday started.’ Damien’s enthusiasm is contagious. He and the girls step out of the car and run towards the beach to take in the sea. The child in my husband has come out and for a moment I remember him being like this all the time before we had the children. While they’re occupied, I grab my phone and see that I have a notification. Will has accepted my friend request. I want to look at his profile and send a message telling him that I’m here, but Damien is already back and opening the boot. I throw my phone back into my bag. The girls run around the car, giggling and tagging each other.
‘Are you staying in there all day?’ He’s already dragging a couple of bags out.
I step out of the car and take in the location. ‘Sorry. I was just taking it all in.’
Over to the left, I see a pub I remember, the Admiral Boscarn. My dad got drunk in there a few times back then. My mum had tried to get him to slow down on the beers as Jessica cried in her pushchair. In front of the car park is a small bay of a beach that I remember being full of families when I was little. Today, the sand blows in the wind. The waves crash onto the shore throwing up white froth that look like little sprites being flung into the air. It’s almost mystical and I find it both hypnotising and terrifying. I stare into the distance and I don’t see any boats, just a block of grey. The horizon is hidden by the sea tones matching those of the sky and it feels eerie. It’s perilous and murderous. The sea will take and take.
‘Millie, stop.’ She’s gone too far ahead and my heart is going.
‘Mummy, we want to see the sea properly.’ Millie grabs Rosie’s hand and they continue forward. I glance back. The key safe is open and Damien is already taking our bags in.
‘Millie, come back now.’ She doesn’t hear me. Weaving in and out of the stationary cars, my girls are getting further away and they can’t hear me so I run. Within seconds, I catch up with them and I spin Millie around. ‘I told you to stop. When I say stop, you stop. Do you hear me?’
Her bottom lip begins to tremble and a tear runs down her cheek. Her damp hair is starting to frizz and her button nose is red. ‘We wasn’t going to go far, Mummy. We just wanted to see the beach more.’
I get down to her level, one knee in a puddle on the cold concrete. ‘It’s dangerous out there. Remember what I told you both about Jess.’
They nod.
‘Right, let’s go and see the cottage. I promise I’ll show you both the sea later. Okay?’
We hurry back to the mid-terraced dwelling and enter through the pale-blue door. I feel the beckoning warmth of the cosy lounge with its cute fireplace. The walls are adorned with rattan hearts and inspiration quotes about love and family.
‘In here,’ Damien calls. The lounge takes my breath away. For a second, I see Jess in her pram in the middle of the living room but that image is skewered. I’m small and I’m looking up at her. It’s like I’m back there.
‘Mummy, can we have the craft box?’ Millie grips my arm and I flinch.
‘No, sweetie, we’ll leave that in the car for a seriously rainy day.’
Rosie runs upstairs shouting about finding their bedroom. I hurry into the galley kitchen where Damien is already putting the groceries into the cupboard.
‘Why don’t we go out for lunch?’ he says.
‘I’m not that hungry. Shall we just make a snack?’ My stomach is doing somersaults and I feel sick. The journey did get a bit hilly.
‘No way. Neither of us are cooking after that journey. I want to get this holiday started and I need a whopping big plate of something fatty and greasy.’
‘Sorry.’ Confusion runs rife through my body. I want to find out more but I don’t. What if the truth is worse than I ever imagined? My hands are beginning to shake. I don’t know why I’m feeling so het up. Will is probably some weirdo who saw the article and thinks it’s funny to wind me up. ‘I’ll go and have a wash and change into a thicker jumper, then we’ll go and get some food.’ I wish I could believe that’s all Will is but something is telling me otherwise. Do I trust my instincts on this? I have to.
