‘Love you, Jess.’ I’ve missed out on having a sister to play with, to fight with, and to share make-up with.
The door bursts open and Rosie runs in and jumps on the bed. I place the box on the floor and pop the photo of Jess on my bedside table. ‘Hello, sweetie. Is everything okay?’
‘Millie won’t play with me. Will you play with me, Mummy?’
I hold her tightly and kiss her tangled mass of hair. Her hands are wandering and before I know it, she’s reached for the photo of Jess and her red-tinged brows furrow.
‘Can Mummy have that?’ I don’t want to take it from her in case I tear it. The photos I have of Jess are precious as I have very few.
‘This isn’t me or Millie.’
‘No, sweetie.’
‘She looks like a dolly, Mummy. Is it you when you were a baby?’
I shake my head. There’s no time like now to introduce Jess to Rosie. I’ll take the photo downstairs later and show Millie too when Damien and I tell the girls about our half-term plans. ‘That’s my sister, Jess.’
‘Don’t be silly, Mummy. You haven’t got a sister.’
‘I did have a sister. I’m sorry I never told you about her.’
‘Where is she?’
I shrug.
‘Did she run away or get lost?’ Her child’s mind makes things sound so simple. ‘Maybe she’ll come back.’
‘She was in an accident not long after this photo was taken.’
Rosie places her finger on the photo and traces Jess’s outline, then she places that finger in her mouth. ‘What kind of accident?’
‘She went missing a long time ago.’ I grip Rosie harder as I think of how dangerous the sea is. I swim like a champ but even I don’t go in the sea. The very thought makes me sick to the stomach after what happened. My daughter seems unaffected by the news as if Jess isn’t real. Then, I remember, Jess isn’t real to her. I have to bring her to life.
‘Jess was a smiley baby and ultra-cute, just like you. If she was alive now, I know she would have been a lovely aunty and she would have loved you and Millie.’
‘That’s sad. Can we put her photo in a frame?’ My child’s lovely comment touches my heart and I have to bite back a sob.
‘Yes, that would be lovely. We’ll get a special frame for Aunty Jess.’
‘A sparkly one?’
‘Yes, a very sparkly frame.’
‘Did she die in the accident?’
I shrug my shoulders. ‘People think she fell into the sea. She was never found.’
Rosie grips me and buries her head in my chest. I drag a snuggle blanket over her and hope that I’m doing all I can to make her feel safe. ‘That’s very sad. Maybe she swam out and she lives with the mermaids.’
‘Maybe.’ I need answers and I’d like my children to know what happened too. While cuddling Rosie, I flick through pictures of the cottage again. I can’t remember much but I’m hoping that being there might bring everything back.
I’m coming to find you, Jess.
ELEVEN
KATE
Saturday, 22 October
