“Better now than when you get the government involved.” She patted my shoulder before hobbling away with her cane and hunched back, and I couldn’t help but giggle. There seemed to be every reason not to marry, and I shook my head slightly before reaching down to grab up my bags.
“I’m glad you didn’t agree to go on the date to break up with him. He would’ve made you pay for half his meal even if you just got free water and breadsticks.” Mikayla wasn’t short of her opinions, but she’d always been respectful— except now there was no reason to be. Seth was a good guy, but he had his quirks, and most of them I couldn’t stand. “Where did you want to go next?”
“I want to get new bed sheets and stuff.” There were only four bags— I’d gotten two new pairs of pajamas, some really nice, fuzzy slippers, and a few pairs of jeans and a couple shirts. I wasn’t going to totally revamp my wardrobe or anything, but I did need to throw out some of my older clothes. “We can browse and stuff, too.”
“Well, obviously. You never know what you want until you see it.” Giggling lightly at that, Mikayla nudged me with her shoulder, and I stood up to huff softly. “You know you’re gonna drop a huge chunk of change on your yard, and don’t even try to deny it.”
“Yeah, I am. I want your opinion on some ideas to make it really cute and nice.” I wanted to get a little fountain and make a little irrigation system, so I didn’t have to water my plants anymore. I wanted a little waterfall, and maybe even some fish. I was going to get rid of the vegetables in my front yard and make a nice flower garden.
I was going to get new bed sheets so no one else would have touched them.
I was going to get new cookware that had never been used for anyone else.
Pausing our trek toward the other end of the mall, where a Macy’s was, I stared at a faint crack in the grout between the marble tiles on the floor. The details blurred as my mind slowed, and I frowned as longing beat against the backs of my eyes.
“Lucy?” Blinking hard, I shook my head furiously, and Mikayla’s eyes narrowed on me under furrowed brows. “You alright?”
“I’m fine. I was just thinking . . . I might paint my house. Maybe something a little darker.” My phone rang, but I ignored it even as this sinking feeling in my stomach got worse and worse as it trilled on. As soon as it went to voicemail, the call started again, and I snatched the device from my pocket to put it on silent, and Mikayla smiled at me with pride in her eyes.
But all I felt was dread.
13
Mateo
Nine Months Later . . .
Sitting on my board on the calm, crystal blue water, I rubbed Ketchup’s head before I started paddling back to shore. There were no waves to surf right now, but I could stay out here all day. Even roiling, the ocean was soothing, peaceful, and even more so when it wasn’t like right now. Nothing but water stretched behind me, and before me was nothing but beach- and Sriracha, dutifully guarding my stuff under an umbrella.
He knew to wait his turn, but I was going to wait until there was a swell before taking him out.
“At least you don’t jump off my board, Ketchup. You good boy.” Patting his broad back, I chuffed a laugh as I tore my eyes off the white sands, and Ketchup smiled back at me. These dogs were pretty large, but he was smaller than Sriracha by an inch or so. “At least you got a bigger heart, huh.”
Only when we were close enough to shore that I could climb off my board to walk did Ketchup jump into the water to swim. A laugh escaped me, watching his wide head bob around, and I held my board against my back.
My scars . . . they were fully healed, covered by my wetsuit, but they never stopped hurting. They burned, sometimes more horribly than other times, but I never found relief. Even here, in paradise, I couldn’t escape it, and I arched with an uncomfortable grunt.
“Excuse me!” Swiping my hand up my face, I flopped my head back and swept back my hair before glancing over. A very nicely dressed woman stood a good distance away, clearly eyeing Sriracha even as she spoke to me. “We’re having a wedding. You need to clear the beach.”
My heart throbbed at that, and my cheek twitched as I stuck my board in the sand. Wandering over to the blonde, her slim body wrapped in forest green, I ignored the gaping hole that opened up in me.Even after so long. . .
“This is a public beach. If they wanted a private ceremony, they should’ve rented a section.” She pulled a face, her gray eyes flashing angrily at my nonchalance, and I waved in dismissal. “Good luck next time around.”
“Hey!” The shout echoed down the beach, and my eyes narrowed on the woman as she stuck her hands on her hips, as if her attitude was strong enough. “Can you just move down a little, then? Come on, it’s someone’s wedding.”
“It’s not mine.” Turning around, the sand squelched between my toes, and I pulled the zipper of my suit to shirk off the sleeves. A horrified gasp sounded behind me, but I ignored it as I ground my teeth to the gum. It’s not my wedding,and it probably never will be.Which was probably a good thing considering. Reaching to rub my chest, I closed my eyes as Ketchup rubbed up against the backs of my legs.
I don’t even remember anymore.
“Hey.” Groaning loudly, I just ignored the call as I grabbed my board and whistled at my dogs. Heading up the beach to the parking lot, my steps were hard, and I scowled lightly as I protected my back from the sun. Even here, over two thousand miles away, I couldn’t escape these feelings, and I long ago forgot why I pushed Lucy away.
“I’m exhausted.” Mysoulwas tired. Every time I thought about her, the world turned gray, and it’d gotten worse and worse over the past months. I thought I was doing the right thing for her at the time, but I’d fucked myself over royally. She deserved normalcy and happiness, and I thought I’d end up back in New York City under my brother’s thumb.
But that was just an excuse. I was free, and I had the chance to beg her to stay with me. Why didn’t I get on my knees in front of her? Why didn’t I man up when my father gave me that envelope, knowing he wouldn’t go back on his word?
“Let’s go, boys. Hup.” Pulling open the door to my soft-top Jeep, I gestured my dogs inside as I went to strap my surfboard to the top rack. Ketchup and Sriracha helped, but it wasn’t enough on days like this. “What a way to end my birthday surf, right? Hopefully, dinner will go better.”
I didn’t live in Hawaii, but it seemed like a good idea to visit at least once in my life.
