He took my hand into his, looking deep into my eyes, and I let it all back in. I let the feelings of last night rush back, every memory, every flashback creeping into my mind, while I finally broke down right then.
He squeezed my hand tightly, and he wiped my tears away, tilting my chin up to look at him.
“I know what you’re going through, Annika, much more than you know. I was born into a family that is heavily involved in crime, and there was a time I didn’t know if I wanted any part of it.”
He looked me in the eyes, then continued. “Eventually, I realized that it was what I was best at, it brought me everything I needed, and I felt free. I left home much younger than the rest of my brothers, because I didn’t know how to face them knowing I’d never be able to live up to their capabilities, though the older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve begun to understand why they each took so long to come into their own, despite their setbacks.
“They took the time they needed to figure out who they were, and that’s all I’m trying to do right now. I don’t know as much about this world as you think I do, but I’m still learning. You have to decide if you want to let this all go, or give it your all, because you can’t keep living your life in limbo.”
It was the harshest truth I’d ever had to swallow, but he was certainly right.
I pretended for such a long time that my father wasn’t involved in any underhanded behavior, that he was just doing what he thought was best to give my family the life he thought we deserved, but never did I even consider that he might have liked engaging in that behavior.
I never gave much thought to the idea that he enjoyed the life of crime. I tried to justify it any way I could, but now I’ve begun to see that was a way of life, and when my parents returned, I had to make the very real decision of how I wanted the rest of my years to play out.
“You’re right. The thing is, I’ve been pretending like it doesn’t exist for so long that I don’t even know what I want. Stephan, I’ve been stuck for such a long time, trying to focus on my passion and forget that my father and mother both know how they were able to afford that lavish house we lived in or everything they’ve given me from the day I was born. I don’t know if I want a part in any of that because I wasn’t given the opportunity to see what it feels like, and now I’m just scared. I’m scared all the time because I had a quick brush with death, and I don’t even know if the people that broke in wanted anything to do with me. I can’t make that decision until I can safely say that I have a hand in trying to protect myself as much as you’re trying to protect me.”
“Alright, then. It’s settled. The only way you’re going to truly know where you belong is if you get a taste for this life yourself. We’ll take it slow, I’ll teach you everything you need to know, and the decision will be yours whether you decide to walk away from it all or not. Okay?”
“Thank you, Stephan,” I replied. I was a mix of emotions, some heightened, others sinking into numbness, but he didn’t seem to care.
He looked back at me like he genuinely understood what I was going through, and I believed the story he told me about trying to find his way. It was what we both wanted, to feel like we were in control of our own lives again, and he was going to give me the opportunity to feel that for myself. I wondered for a moment if he knew more than he was letting on because he always knew the right thing to say at the very moment I needed to hear it, but I decided not to let my speculation get the better of me.
He’s the only one around here that’s willing to teach me what I need to know, and he doesn’t seem to be afraid of what could be in store for all of us. I wonder if I’ll ever get to a point where none of this ever fazes me anymore, or if I’ll always be frightened by it.
I could tell that he still had a human side to him, that even though he spent his life doing terrible things, he still had enough kindness in his heart to help me find out the truth about what was going on, and help me to stand on my own two feet.
That is enough for now.
