I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone before, not like this. Can I really just turn my back on all of this and leave when my job is done? The thought of washing my hands in the kitchen sink for the last time makes my heart stutter in my chest, and a fresh wave of tears spills down my face.
I don’t know how long I sit here, panic cresting and receding as I cry.
A knock sounds softly at my door, but it rings like a gunshot in the silence.
I jump up from where I’m sitting on the edge of the bed, my eyes fixed on the door like a monster is about to burst through it. Another knock sounds, a little louder, and Everett’s voice follows it.
“Mary?”
The sound of my name on his tongue is enough to make my heart clench up in pain again, but I force myself to take a deep breath. I can’t keep hurting him like this.
I clench my jaw and wipe my face as clean as I can manage before making my way to the door. My eyes are probably swollen and red, and I know there’s nothing I can do to hide the fact that I’ve been crying, but I won’t shed any more tears.
Not in front of Everett, at least.
I pull the door open quickly. Everett looks as haggard as I feel, and the frown on his face only etches itself deeper when he takes in the sight of my face. All I want is to reach out and wrap him up in a hug, but I lost my chance at that.
“Are you okay?” he asks.
He sounds like he thinks it’s a stupid question, and I wish I could be honest and tell him that I’ve never been less okay in my life. I force a smile instead.
“I’m fine,” I lie, ignoring the way my voice shakes over the words. “Did you need something?”
He blinks at me in confusion, but frustration quickly overtakes it. His brows furrow deeply, and he sighs at me.
“I wanted to check on you,” he says bluntly, the look in his eyes daring me to pretend nothing happened. “Are you okay?”
I swallow hard, glancing away from him. The sight of his face is too painful to bear right now, and it’s too soon for me to test my resolve like this. I need to convince myself that I can stay away from him before I even think about trying to convince anyone else of it.
“I’m trying to figure out what to do.” It’s the most honesty I can afford to offer him right now. “This puts my entire job at risk. We…Ishouldn’t have done this.”
He’s quiet for a long moment, and when I finally convince myself to look at him, his face nearly makes me crumple. The same deep pain that shadowed his eyes when I first met him sits in his gaze again, and I hate myself for being the one to put it there.
“Do you regret it?”
His voice is raw, only just loud enough for me to hear. I don’t manage to bite off the pained hitch of my breath in time to hide it.
I don’t think I could regret it even if I lost everything because of it, but that doesn’t mean that it’s smart. It doesn’t change the fact that the world I live in is different from the world Everett lives in. All it means is that I’ll miss him after. I’ll miss all of this.
“No.” I can’t lie to him, not even if it would be the easy, clean break that I should aim for. I can’t hurt him any more than I already have.“I don’t regret it, Everett, but we live two totally separate lives. I have to go back home when this contract is up. I can’t…”I can’t lose you, I want to say. “I can’t lose my job.”
The breath that rushes out of him almost sounds like a sigh of relief, but I have no idea what he could possibly be relieved about. I’ve always prided myself on staying positive, but I’m having a hell of a time finding a single good thing in this situation.
“Okay,” he says. “That’s okay, then.”
It’s so simple that it startles a laugh out of me, and I find his eyes again. They’re crinkled at the corners, the very edge of a smile curling his lips. He looks hopeful, actually, which is kind of the most insane reaction to this that I can imagine. I don’t even have the energy to try to figure out what’s going through his head right now.
“Don’t worry about your job,” he tells me. “I’ll take care of it. Just rest, alright? Take care of you.”
Before I have a chance to question what that means, he tucks a strand of hair behind my ear and steps out of the room. I listen to his footsteps fade down the hall in shock, my gut churning with an unpleasant mix of guilt and affection.
All I can think to do is close the door again and fall back onto my bed.
The ceiling is as plain as ever, but I still trace my eyes over every inch of it, trying to find a hidden solution somewhere. As much as I hate it, it seems like the only thing to do is keep my head down and do my job.
I’ll finish this contract, and then I’ll do exactly what Jenny told me to. I’ll go back to the city, back to my apartment.
I’ll go back to being alone.
