"What must he think of me, dear Fate… That I’m a slut?"
Suddenly, a wave of emotion almost crushes me, hitting my nervous system so hard I tremble, and tears start spilling from my eyes. It all feels like a shameful confession, like my silent plea for forgiveness.
But the stalker senses my mood, his gloved hand brushing lightly over my wet cheek as if trying to erase the tears.
"He doesn’t judge you, Alex. Never. You haven’t been together for many years, he has no such right, he wants what’s best for you."
But my tears won’t stop, and I press my forehead to the table.
"I still love him, I’m not over him."
"He feels the same, but you have the right to live, Alex. You can’t be a prisoner of the past, you should find someone who loves you and treats you well, because you two can’t be together."
My voice trembles when I ask,
"He’s not angry about what happened in the park?"
"How could he be? He wants you to know it’s okay to be with other men, to find someone who will love you… because you deserve the best."
"Bay was the best! And if he loves me then how can he accept this?"
"Would it be love if he wanted to keep you chained while not being close to you himself? Would it be love if he forbade you from being happy? It’s time to start living, Alex. Do it for him."
And I cry again, damn it, soaking the table with my tears.
"I don’t know what happiness means without him…"
"It’s time to step out of mourning, Alex. You always wanted to have a family, right? Bay wants that for you. More than anything."
"I want that, but with him!"
"That’s impossible, Alex. You need a purpose in life, you need to move on."
I say nothing else because I know I won’t convince him. He won’t understand. He echoes all the things others have told me, what Dereck said, what Jared said.
Move on, Alex…
"I want you to leave after the knot goes down," I say in a flat voice, "you’ll come back only when the next wave hits."
"Whatever you wish."
My mind stays suspended and strangely resigned.
Yes, the longer I think about it, the more obvious it feels. He’s Bay, but more like aghost of Bay, a shadow of him returning from beyond the grave to service me in need, protect me, and soothe my heat, but only that.I CAN’T bring him back to life.And knowing I’m getting his blessing to build a life somehow hurts me even more.
Why?
Any normal person would think this is right and normal of him. It’s commendable; he isn’t acting like the dog in the manger. That encouraging me to build a life is something correct, even admirable.
The problem is…
It pisses me off…
Majorly!
Why isn’t he possessive?
The way I feel about him?
